Satire
No, I Won’t Fill Out Your Stupid Survey
Not even if you pay me
It seems like everywhere you go, people are asking you to fill out a survey. Online, on the phone, in person — it doesn’t matter.
The practice of surveying people has gotten completely out of control. And I, for one, have had enough.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate the effort that goes into conducting a survey. I know it takes time and effort to come up with the questions, collect the data, and analyze the results. But that doesn’t change the fact that I hate having to answer all those questions.
Heck, I didn’t even like taking multiple-choice tests in school. You know, their tricky way of surveying our brain’s ability to retain knowledge, or lack thereof.
Want to know how I survived school and graduated with honors?
By randomly filling in the bubbles with my №2 pencil. And look at me now. I’m a successful side hustler in the new creator economy. Side hustling my way to financial freedom without asking people silly questions for a living.
You see, I’m not in school anymore.
You probably aren’t either.
This is real life.
And IRL—surveys are stupid.
The Problem With Surveys
Here’s part of the problem.
It’s that most surveys are just far too long. Like those grueling tests back in school. They take forever to fill out.
They always seem to have a million questions. And half of them don’t even make sense. Like these.
- How do you know you exist when all you can see are other humans, but not yourself? Here’s a hint. Look in the mirror.
- When you drink a glass of Scotch, do you like it on the rocks? Why would I drink alcohol with rocks?
- On a scale from 1 to 10 (with 1 being despondent and 10 being blissed-out), how happy are you with your life? It’s a zero. I’m not happy with my life. In fact, I’m really miserable, and your survey is the reason why.
I think you get my point.
Here’s another beef I have with surveys. They always seem to ask for personal information that I’m not comfortable sharing. Why do you need to know my home address, email, phone number, gender, blood type, and sexuality?
For the record, here’s my information:
- 105 25th St N, Fargo, ND 58102
- [email protected]
- +1 (701) 235-4493
- The last time I checked, I was fully equipped with male genitalia
- Type O Negative—and no, I won’t donate my precious blood
- Women are sexy—that’s why I married my wife
And don’t even get me started on those online surveys that are disguised as fun little quizzes to kill your boredom.
- What Disney Princess Are You?
- Which ‘Friends’ Character Are You?
- What Your Personality Says About the Shoes You Should Wear
No, just no. I’m not falling for that garbage. Not anymore.
I know you’re just trying to collect my data, so you can sell it to the highest bidder. And that’s usually dirt cheap—like those dirty rocks that you insist on putting in my Glenfarclas 25-year-old, aged to perfection Scotch.
Okay, Some Surveys Are Valid
Don’t get me wrong, though.
I understand surveys are a necessary part of valid research. I get that they’re important for business, marketing, and the sciences. Likewise, I know big corporations and scientists need to gather data to make informed decisions.
But that doesn’t mean I have to like them.
Even in my old job at American Express, when I did product development, we went out and surveyed our customers. You’d think the customers would be chomping at the bits to complain and tell us why they hated our products.
Guess what? No one likes taking surveys. Not even if it’s a “quick” survey.
Yeah, right! There’s no such thing as a quick survey. That’s a lie.
Some Final Thoughts
So, next time you want me to fill out a survey, save yourself the trouble and don’t bother.
I won’t do it. Not even if you pay me.
Do you know why? Because I have a 23-room mansion in Beverly Hills. A gorgeous vacation home in the Hamptons. The latest self-driving Tesla. Four private jets fueled up and ready to fly anywhere.
And more money than I could ever spend in my lifetime. Yay me!
So, no, I don’t need your paltry $5 incentive. That won’t even buy me a premium coffee (Cinnamon Dolce Latte, yum) on Starbucks’ secret menu. Especially with inflation rates soaring so high these days.
Either way, I hope this message finds you well. Stay safe out there.
And please, for the love of all that is good and holy, stop right now. Stop asking me to take your surveys!
Important Disclaimer
If you hadn’t realized it by now, this article is satire and for entertainment only. Please don’t take it seriously, get too upset, or ask me to take your silly survey. Also, don’t take it as business, legal, or research advice; because it’s not.
If anything, you should take this quick 3-minute survey before you go. :-)
And while you’re still here, why not subscribe? Click here.
You’ll be notified periodically of new articles after I publish them. And I swear on my grandma’s grave, there won’t be any surveys or fun little quizzes. ;-)