No, Hating Men isn’t My “Brand,” But Thanks for Mansplaining Me to Me
I keep stumbling upon hidden and not-so-hidden pockets of misogyny, often with people who espouse a growth mindset. I feel like I’m going around setting the record straight, only to find yet another situation where the truth is being taken out of context or distorted for one reason or another. But the most common thread I’ve been seeing with misogyny lately is deflection.
If they can get us to look away, they don’t have to deal with this particular problem. Let’s just make it about something else, or try to turn the tables. That’s how this works.
I can give you numerous examples: a Medium article asserting that “toxic femininity” is as much of a problem as “toxic masculinity,” an Instagram post preaching against calling men “fuckboys” because name calling isn’t the answer and there’s not an equivalent name for women, a tweet specifically calling me out for being a man-hating feminist because I wrote an article calling out a comedy routine for being rife with misogyny that perpetuates harmful stereotypes of women, and a comment on a meme I posted claiming that my entire brand is hating and being offended by white men.
In each case, deflection is the name of the game.
Medium
The Medium article on toxic femininity, while well-written and somewhat well-reasoned, deflects from the fact that toxic masculinity stems from patriarchal systems that define being male a very particular way, often leading to harmful behaviors for both men and women. It seems to assert that women’s toxic behaviors are anywhere on the same scale as men’s, a claim that ignores widespread sexual, mental, and physical violence against women as a result of toxic masculinity.
It also perpetuates a misogynistic idea that women use their menstrual cycles as an excuse rather than acknowledging that these natural cycles often do have hormonal and even physical side effects. While men can also have hormonal fluctuations, this article seems to spread the misogynistic idea that only women have hormonal fluctuations that we use for our benefit. It tries to act as though toxic behavior from women is on the same level as men, and while I agree that every person- regardless of gender- should be held accountable for their actions, it seems like a massive deflection from the true root cause of all of these behaviors: the patriarchal system, gender inequality, and the misogyny that stems from it.
I’m not linking to the article. This isn’t an attack on the author. It’s simply pointing out that some of what’s being written tries to bring balance to a conversation that already favors men. The balance doesn’t need to be righted in their favor. While I don’t disagree with many of the author’s points, it seems to leave out the weight of intention vs. impact.
The Instagram post on “fuckboys” seems to forget that women have a whole dictionary of ugly names attributed to us. Bitch. Whore. Slut. Skank. Prude. Hoe. The list goes on and on. It also ignores the fact that a “fuckboy” is characterized by someone who often misrepresents intentions to get laid. These are the guys throwing dick pics at you from the start, asking for nudes, and repeatedly leading all conversation back to sex. This label may not be pretty, but the post in question calls for women to stop calling men names rather than asking men to stop behaving in a way that has become so prevalent we’ve had to name it. Deflection strikes again!
Being targeted in a tweet deflected from examining how comedy that masquerades as science can perpetuate harmful stereotypes that can be damaging to women. Rather than opening up a dialogue about these normalized yet toxic attitudes, the entire thread became a way to drag my character through the mud. It’s actually fairly predictable. You can even perform a little experiment to see.
Post a status update or meme calling out a behavior particular men. Stand back and watch how many people comment “not all men” or “but women…”, deflect to some other behavioral tendency of women, call you out for being a feminist (as if advocating for gender equality is a bad thing), or immediately attack your character. It’s the same thing that happens when a woman steps forward after a sexual assault or makes an unpopular stand of any kind. It’s so predictable that I could have scripted it myself if I had any interest in bad writing.
What actually happened is that a conversation about harmful stereotypes was entirely diverted by making me some kind of punchline or angry woman rather than taking a more in-depth look at how language and perception about women by men can bring actual real-life harm to women.
My Brand
The Instagram post that claimed my brand is hating on men ignores the fact that my brand has nothing to do with hate. Do I advocate equality? Absolutely. Do I advocate sustainable living and social justice? Yes, of course. Do I advocate for better behavior in the dating arena? You’re damn right I do!
Being a feminist does not now, and has never been, about hating men.
Write that one down. Repeat it until it sinks in. It doesn’t mean taking all the power away from men and giving it to women. It means sharing power. It means equality. It means recognizing that gender should never be used to discriminate. It means recognizing that patriarchal systems harm men as well as women. Does that sound like hate? If it does, you might need to check your privilege and undo whatever preconceived notions you may have about feminism and try to listen to understand rather than to defend your position.
Misogyny is everywhere. I run across it in nearly every other post on social media, and then I trip on it nearly every day out in the real world. Pointing it out doesn’t require a deflection; it requires attention, awareness, and a closer look at how we’ve normalized truly negative ideas. If we want to create a better world, we have to start taking away the harmful ideas we’ve embraced simply because they were taught to us or because we want to believe them.
It’s like believing in spanking children when every research study ever has concluded that it (a) is not an effective way to correct behavior and (b) has negative impacts on children. One example of the negative impact is growing up thinking it’s okay for an adult to hit a child. Whatever happened to: pick on someone your own size? But this is just one example of an area of belief that persists despite all evidence to the contrary.
A better world doesn’t come from repeating history; it comes from learning from it. Knowledge truly is power, and we need to stop steering the conversation away from misogyny because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Instead of looking at it as hating men, we can see that it’s about highlighting harmful behaviors and seeking to start a dialogue that might produce some positive changes.
Deflection is the tool used to distract us from looking at what we need to see, and I get that it’s more comfortable to blame women than to take a hard look at behaviors normalized for so long that most of us don’t see them until it’s pointed out. In a way, it must be difficult for men because they’ve always been told that it’s acceptable to talk and act in this way. Changing that is uncomfortable. But being a woman having to walk the earth in fear of actual bodily harm, often being the target of sexual harassment or assault, is infinitely worse than being a little uncomfortable.
Deflection, of course, also applies to conversations about race, gender, politics, and sexual orientation. We need to stop trying to change the subject and instead learn how to have an open dialogue with those who are telling us that something is wrong. If we could stop trying to put up distractions because we’re uncomfortable, we might actually be able to find a few solutions.
No, my brand isn’t hating on men, but thanks, Random Guy on the Internet, for mansplaining me to me. Maybe my brand isn’t any one thing, but if you want to call me a feminist, don’t expect me to be insulted by it. I hope we’ll all be a little less offended by uncomfortable truths and a little more interested in finding solutions for them.