No Fake News: Top Headlines of 2021
Tired of fake news?
The election is history and it’s all over but the shouting. Read on for the best possible prognostications of next year’s headlines. I gazed into my crystal balloon to bring you the most accurate news possible, before anyone can spin it out of control.
Remember, you read it here first:
North Korea’s Kim Jong-un Protests Biden’s Vote Percentage
The President of the Hermit Kingdom expressed outrage that in the recent U.S. election, Biden garnered a larger percentage of votes than the fearless leader has in his own elections.
Biden Not Afraid to Wield His Pen and Phone
The new president proved he is a man of his word when he picked up his pen and phone and ordered pizza delivered to a nation crying out for cheese.
Biden Pushes for Fair National Voting Standards
The new president decried the unfair practices that lead to some being able to vote multiple times while others are denied the right to vote at all. His new Just Voting law mandates that every citizen, living or dead, will receive three ballots. No more, no less.
Biden Declares Cure for Covid-19
In his inauguration speech, President Joe Biden announces a new mandate, to crush the pandemic. All American citizens will eat Chinese food, three times daily. And like it.
Harris’ Dream Come True
At her swearing in ceremony, Vice President, Kamala Harris stated, “This coronation is a life-long dream come true. I wouldn’t be here without my great friend, Scarecrow… uhm, my nickname for him… Joe Biden. But actually he’s my… uhm, my… cow… lion. Lion!” She then sang the chorus of ‘Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead’.
Biden Creates Cabinet Position for Trump
In a gesture of good-will, and reconciliation Biden recognized the value of former President Trump on the national scene. President Biden has invited Donald Trump to join his cabinet in the position of National Whipping Boy. In his speech, Biden stated, “We need Mr. Trump to continue serving in this vital position. Frankly, I don’t know a man more qualified for the job.”
Venezuelan Economy Collapses
It is reported the once vibrant economy of Venezuela has collapsed after numerous celebrities, who threatened to leave the U.S. in the event of Trump’s re-election, have now cancelled those plans and will remain in the United States.
Abortion Declared Sacrament
In a statement of ‘acquiescing to the inevitable,’ American religious leaders announced that abortion, henceforth to be called ‘Sending Babies to Heaven’ will be recognized as a spiritually important and necessary expedient.
Biden Fulfills Promise to Abolish Racism
President Biden has kept his promise to abolish racism from our country. Drawing on lessons learned from his mentor Sen. Robert Byrd (Exalted Cyclops), President Biden waved his wand, said some magic words and sent all pernicious racist beliefs to Perdido Key, Florida. The nation breathed a sigh of relief.
Antifa Goes Corporate
After the successful (and peaceful) attainment of all their goals, Antifa announced a modest change in direction. They are opening a chain of restaurants serving their signature smoke-flavored barbecue. Their catchy counter-intuitive slogan declares, ‘Even Socialists have to eat!’ Watch for them under the sign of the smoking guillotine.
© John K. Adams 2020. All rights reserved.
Thank you for reading. I value your comments.
Bio: John K. Adams grew up in the frozen wastes of Minnesota, where writing became his first love. He spent much of his life working in the mines and dream factories of Hollywood. He has two grown children and a beautiful, loving wife. They enjoy brainstorming on how language and memory wrestle with reality.
