Humor

Nipples Do Not Point Upward

#Surrenderware is everywhere

The appearance of Victoria’s Secret bras was the first sign that something not very sexy was happening in Denmark. Faded, torn, and stretched beyond capacity, satin bras began to be worn on the outsides of shirts. And not taut, crimson, lacy shirts. Sweatshirts. Big gray, you might need some Oxy Clean, scratchy, shapeless, sweatstained sweatshirts.

Leisurewear transformed into #surrenderwear overnight! The ass-tight, yoga Spanx of 2019 evolved into the “I think you need to change your diaper” saggy sweatpants of 2020. But damn, they’re comfy. Mmm, mmmm mmm.

The underwire bra was fired and seen leaving the building with her plastic orchid plant that nobody ever believed was real. No matter many times the underwire bra insisted those were actually new buds blooming, people shook their heads. Nah, plastic.

The fired underwire bra was immediately replaced by the, “I can’t believe they’re this floppy girl” from the mail department, who wasted no time flinging her feet up on the desk like a toe-jammed Spirit Air flier.

#Surrenderware fashion is booming my dear pandemic fashionistas. There’s no escaping this trend. So, ladies, like Sting used to sing to us, if you love your boobs, set them free. And gents, I’m giving you the heads up as the world unclips her bras.

Nipples do not point upward.