Nine Deaths and Counting

Stories of Marking Life Transitions

If cats have “9 lives,” do humans have something similar? Although I haven’t counted, I feel like I’ve died at least nine times as things change.

Some deaths are easier to accept because they are expected and celebrated. For example, graduation at any school level. How many times have you heard, “It’s not the end. It’s the beginning of something new.”?

Whatever nervousness I had, I was excited to embrace the next thing. School, especially, meant carrying forward with people I knew and also making new friends.

When that meant going away to college and ALL new people, I embraced that, too. I love meeting people, and I am always hopeful for adding to my tribe.

For example, During the first semester living in a residence hall, I became part of a group of friends. We ate together daily in the cafeteria. We also made it a point to do something for Sunday dinners when the cafeteria was closed.

Sometimes that meant riding in one car and stopping at multiple fast food choices. Then we would picnic at a local park.

Staying in contact since being outside of University Life worked for a little while. I’m friends with one person on social media. It’s a point of contact to a previous life.

Marriage, and especially divorce, are two more examples. I felt like my identity changed when I updated my name. It didn’t matter that we were already living together. It also didn’t matter that I waited until I finished the current school round. I wanted the degree in my full given name. That’s who I was when I earned it.

In that same sense, I waited SEVEN years after divorcing to return to my maiden name. That may have marked the era better than the celebration of the divorce ruling. As much as it is a pain to update everything, I felt R-E-L-I-E-F. More in alignment with myself.

The hold-up was in the research. I didn’t realize it’d be EASY. I could’ve done it earlier, even though a year had passed since the final date.

Similar to the college diploma, I wanted a passport AND in my maiden name. This motivated me to research and do it, and let Stacy formerly known as Xxxxxx die. Yay.

A more challenging “death” was when I turned 41. I wasn’t eligible to renew as a Junior Chamber member.

The local group had been my life for two years. I went to as many activities as possible and especially loved to facilitate my own. Even though I was always welcome, it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. Other than seeing the people, my friends, the values had gone away.

I chose to stay connected and support the organization and collaborate or volunteer as fitting. And move on to new things.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t agree with the reasoning because I couldn’t change the rule. So, I accepted fond memories and stayed connected.

Sometimes, death is not as clear-cut as age, graduation, marriage, or divorce. Those all have specific dates attached. What happens when things change and you’re not required to leave because of any of the previously noted reasons?

I feel like there was a death similar to a long-term relationship that motivated a change in organizational views and structure. I felt like I didn’t belong anymore. I became a part of the organization because I saw and believed in the vision. I wanted to help and support any effort to realize it and make it come true.

Somewhere along the way, that path or vision or effort was disputed. The dramas of the moment drowned out everything. So much went on in the background that even being “in the know” didn’t include me. And when new people stepped up, it was clear that the path and vision had changed.

Since it was clear cut, I knew how to process the age situation. In this case, I feel like there are ghosts from the past that I wish I could recapture. It also feels like what I did doesn’t mean anything. Occasionally, I’m a resource, and I’m happy to help.

Where do I stand? Where do they stand? How do I reinvent myself to accommodate this situation? Am I dead, or in the in-between? a soul waiting to enter a new body?

I can’t celebrate or mark a point. I’m in limbo until I decide what I want to do.

This may be the toughest death of all of them. Where do you start to reinvent yourself, in this case?

The challenge seems to be a reflection of my life. Being in limbo fogginess is true personally. What I thought was my aim towards a vision has a moving target. I feel the need to redefine that vision and reinvent myself accordingly.

It surprised me, and I’m having a tough time with the transition of letting go.

It’s like letting go of a long-term relationship and having to divide up friends. Some will stay, and some will move on.

How do you decide on the path?