Nihilist Summaries Of Children’s Classics, In Haiku
CliffNotes for your bedtime stories.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
A girl wanders in As long as we’re here, let’s try Some senseless looting
The Rainbow Fish
To survive: conform Rip out pieces of yourself Until you’re empty
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
A butterfly’s all- Consuming primal urges Kills his former self
Where’s Spot?
Hidden in the house: Animals cruelly confined We shrug and move on
Llama Llama Red Pajama
Baby llama cries “Mama, please! I need water!” Water never comes
Harold and the Purple Crayon
Worlds are created Then suddenly abandoned Why? We draw a blank
The Runaway Bunny
Child: “What can I do To change my grim lot in life?” Mother: “Nothing, dear.”
Goodnight Moon
Let’s explore the dark Void that stares back when we say Goodnight nobody
Moo, Baa, La La La!
Don’t say La, La, pigs Oink! Dissent is swiftly crushed — The silence deafens
The Giving Tree
For a boy, a tree Sacrifices all for naught. Soon, both will be ash.
Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Life’s ups, downs, lefts, rights Besieged on all sides, we march To death — march faster!