Nights in White Satin

A song it has taken over fifty years to mean something

In 1967 a certain nineteen year old wannabe pop star wrote a song full of wisdom far beyond his relatively tender years. To this day the lyrics to that song ring true and have served as a guide to me during many difficult times, but none more so than now. What's more the song became an evergreen staple of my own humble offerings as a performing artist.

The song in question is none other than Nights in White Satin by Justin Hayward. And one of the the standout lines for me is "Letters I've written, never meaning to send."

Post divorce, not once but twice, I wrote everything down in the form of a journal and as a series of letters. In my case it was always my intention to send those letters to my ex's. I had hoped to elicit at the very least an apology for the wrongs done to me and our children, but I realised that both of my ex's were buried up to their armpits in denial and that any attempt by me to set the record straight would be totally fruitless. If anything such letters would simply serve to pour fuel on the flames.

Eventually, I didn't send any letters, though I did keep them for whatever future use I might find for them. I am now of the mind that the best future use would be to burn them. One day, one day.....

I also wrote letters to my four children, not for use at that inopportune time, but at some future time, most likely when I will be long gone from this planet. What I wanted was for those children to be aware of my side of the story to balance out whatever nonsense I knew they were being told about me. However, even that MO has had to undergo a massive re-think.

By the time my youngest daughters were in their mid-twenties they were already making unsavoury comments about me based upon nothing more than the lies of those set against me. When I tried to put the record straight about how I was being very unfairly much maligned all I got was very negative feedback. In fact, one daughter told me to "piss off!" and both her and her sister told me in no uncertain terms that they did not want nor care to hear my side of the story.

In the words of the song "Just what I was going through, they didn't understand.....Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore." All that being said, those journals and letters did serve an excellent purpose in enabling me to get things off my chest.

It has been ten years now since I last heard from two of my children and five years since I heard anything from the other two. Does it bother me? No, not really, not now. I have learned to live without them and seriously doubt I will ever hear from them ever again. Some people say how sad that is. Well it was very sad at one time, but not any more. I did my best, and if that wasn't good enough so be it.

On a more positive note one of the other lines in the song which I adore says "Just what you want to be, you will be in the end." Never a truer word has ever been said. I am exactly what I always wanted to be and I cannot ask for more than that.

Is it not a little strange that it took over fifty years for the words to a song to resonate with me? A lifetime of experience for a piece of beautiful art to finally make sense. And as I sit and write my life during the day, I spend my "nights in white satin never reaching the end." In the words of another song by another songwriting hero of mine, Morrisey, "And now my heart is full."