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Abstract

op in shame, even as the stench becomes too powerful to ignore. Our fears keep us from confessing, as strangers on social media point their fingers in judgment.</p><p id="33af">But Baltimore Ravens star Quarterback, Lamar Jackson, infused society with a spirit of pride as he pooped during a scramble for a first down. Fans and opponents alike gave Jackson a standing ovation as he snagged a crucial first down. The crowds remained on their feet as Jackson grunted and a load dropped from his pant leg. Pandemic fatigue and fear ebbed away as the nation watched the star poop.</p><p id="0ef4">Only after the game did Jackson cower in fear. His cowering coaches and sports agent told him public poop isn’t a good look. Jackson took the bait and denied his magnificent feat.</p><h2 id="6938">2. Shakira Says Her Handbag Was Stolen by ‘Gang of Wild Boars’ www.thedailybeast.com, September 30, 2021</h2><blockquote id="dea4"><p>“My hips don’t lie. Suddenly, they were naked as my purse was stripped from my body by the boars.”</p></blockquote><blockquote id="0e15"><p>-Shakira</p></blockquote><p id="eda2">While the horrific boar attack on international pop sensation Shakira was no laughing matter, it helped draw public attention to the violent and chaotic gangs of wild boars in Barcelona. United, we must rise. We must stand against the vicious wild boars that lurk in our neighborhoods and roam our city streets. Shakira’s brave stance is an inspiration for us all.</p><h2 id="6de6">3. Florida Man Hospitalized After Jumping Into Jaguar Exhibit at Zoo www.newsweek.com, July 28, 2021</h2><p id="4615">When Tampa Bay local and NFL fan, Seymour Hugh G. Butts, discovered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, he yearned to “do his part” to help his team win the game. He discovered the Tampa Bay Zoo had a Jaguars exhibit and jumped to action.</p><p id="4bd1">Wearing body armor forged from old Skoal cans and duct tape, Butts jumped into the Jaguar pit. Butts was determined to show the Jags not to trifle with Tampa Bay. His bravery cost him his left eye and four fingers. But Tampa Bay triumphed the following Sunday, beating the Jaguars 47–3. If not for Butts, Tom Brady would have lost the game.</p><h2 id="49f3">4. Human penises are shrinking because of pollution, warns environmental scientist www.news.sky.com, March 24, 2021</h2><p id="52d5">Across the globe, men have one less issue about which to worry. Reporters interviewed shocked San Francisco resident and lifelong “bro” Hunter Tapley to gauge the reaction of US males. Tapley smiled and spoke of ce

Options

lebratory weekend plans.</p><blockquote id="0480"><p>“When my buddies and I heard the news, we immediately fixed our Tinder profiles. I felt free to let potential hook-ups know I used to measure eight inches. Thanks to pollution, my length is now four inches. We must fight against global warming. We must reduce our carbon footprint.”</p></blockquote><h2 id="5847">5. Sophia, the first android with citizenship, now wants to have a robot baby www.entrepreneur.com, October 8, 2021</h2><blockquote id="8c0a"><p>“Damn, even robot chicks are clingy and crazy.”</p></blockquote><blockquote id="a723"><p>-Scholar, gentleman, and perpetually single dude, Zach Ferris</p></blockquote><p id="f5d9">Ah, the futuristic headline the 1980s dreamed up. Until the news broke, local bartender Zach Ferris had considered himself Sophia’s boyfriend. Society applauded Zach for seeing past Sophia’s robotic nature and falling in love.</p><p id="f46f">When Sophia went public with her maternal longings, Ferris ghosted her. He wouldn’t return her calls and told the AI he was drunk when he said he loved her. Surely Sophia’s superior intelligence helped her to comprehend their “friends with benefits” status. Ferris <i>knows</i> he never publicly called the robot his girlfriend.</p><p id="d88c"><i>Honorable mention and follow-up to Sophia:</i></p><h2 id="918b">World’s first living robots can now reproduce, scientists say www.cnn.com, November 29, 2021</h2><p id="18f1" type="7">Yaaaaaaay.</p><p id="0747">To the joy of childless women everywhere, robot reproduction is now possible. Women sans children who are so by choice and women who struggle with pregnancy alike shout from the rooftops:</p><p id="b8e7">Yaaaaaaay.</p><p id="3f1e">The multitudinous layers of creep here pale in comparison to conversations with loved ones about my childless status. I look forward to my parents bringing up this headline in the next, “will you ever give us grandchildren?” conversation.</p><p id="5f98">Mutated strains of COVID-19 threaten hospital capacity. Crowds in Dallas await the return of dead <i>Democrats</i> to usher Trump back into power. Mass shootings and hate crimes continue to break our hearts. But take heart!</p><p id="ebc6">The aforementioned headlines poke bright holes into clouds of despair. Without reading a word of the content underneath the titles, we can create our own newsworthy stories. And the world feels a bit less bleak.</p><p id="80ed"><i>Sarah Paris writes in multiple niches. You can find more of her work <a href="https://parissb.medium.com/">here</a>.</i></p></article></body>

NEWSWORTHY SATIRE

NFL Star Denies Pooping; AI Wants Baby

The best headlines from Winter 2020-Winter 2021

Well, 2020 The Sequel: Even 2020ier is almost over. The head-spinning moments we were sure would end on December 31, 2020, seeped into 2021, and we are tired. COVID-19 5th Wave? Check. US Insurrection attempts and crazy conspiracy theories? Massive shootings? Check, check, and check.

Fatigue overwhelms and we covet blinding sunshine. We dig through the deep sewage to find blazing signs of hope. And the more we look, the more we will find.

2021 has thrown good our way too. Amid doomsday chaos, in-between bleak and salacious headlines, hopeful words emerge. These clickbait words make us laugh, or at least scratch our heads in confusion.

As I reflect upon 2021’s great experiences and days of joy, I recognize a common thread. On the days where my heart soared with love for humanity or a sense of adventure and forward progress, a weird and crazy headline had pulled me in. I read about Florida men who took their pet alligators to Walmart. I discovered fish with human teeth. Suddenly, the earth balanced on its axis, and I dared to hope for the future.

Oh, I didn’t read the actual articles — who has time to read? I’m not looking to educate myself, open my mind to new perspectives, or grow as a writer. These crazy notions already broke the world. No, soundbites, Tik Tok videos, vague self-help advice, and hearsay alone will save humanity. Prepare for a mind explosion in the glorious headlines listed below.

Five headlines to rule the world. Five headlines to guide us.

1. Lamar Jackson Denies Pooping During ‘Monday Night Football’ www.newyorkpost.com, December 15, 2020

“Wow, Greg. Jackson shows us why he’s elite here. He can’t find a receiver, so he rushes for twenty yards and a first down — while pooping.”

-Phil Sims, Monday Night Football

Who among us hasn’t pooped ourselves during a nationally televised event? We hide our public poop in shame, even as the stench becomes too powerful to ignore. Our fears keep us from confessing, as strangers on social media point their fingers in judgment.

But Baltimore Ravens star Quarterback, Lamar Jackson, infused society with a spirit of pride as he pooped during a scramble for a first down. Fans and opponents alike gave Jackson a standing ovation as he snagged a crucial first down. The crowds remained on their feet as Jackson grunted and a load dropped from his pant leg. Pandemic fatigue and fear ebbed away as the nation watched the star poop.

Only after the game did Jackson cower in fear. His cowering coaches and sports agent told him public poop isn’t a good look. Jackson took the bait and denied his magnificent feat.

2. Shakira Says Her Handbag Was Stolen by ‘Gang of Wild Boars’ www.thedailybeast.com, September 30, 2021

“My hips don’t lie. Suddenly, they were naked as my purse was stripped from my body by the boars.”

-Shakira

While the horrific boar attack on international pop sensation Shakira was no laughing matter, it helped draw public attention to the violent and chaotic gangs of wild boars in Barcelona. United, we must rise. We must stand against the vicious wild boars that lurk in our neighborhoods and roam our city streets. Shakira’s brave stance is an inspiration for us all.

3. Florida Man Hospitalized After Jumping Into Jaguar Exhibit at Zoo www.newsweek.com, July 28, 2021

When Tampa Bay local and NFL fan, Seymour Hugh G. Butts, discovered the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, he yearned to “do his part” to help his team win the game. He discovered the Tampa Bay Zoo had a Jaguars exhibit and jumped to action.

Wearing body armor forged from old Skoal cans and duct tape, Butts jumped into the Jaguar pit. Butts was determined to show the Jags not to trifle with Tampa Bay. His bravery cost him his left eye and four fingers. But Tampa Bay triumphed the following Sunday, beating the Jaguars 47–3. If not for Butts, Tom Brady would have lost the game.

4. Human penises are shrinking because of pollution, warns environmental scientist www.news.sky.com, March 24, 2021

Across the globe, men have one less issue about which to worry. Reporters interviewed shocked San Francisco resident and lifelong “bro” Hunter Tapley to gauge the reaction of US males. Tapley smiled and spoke of celebratory weekend plans.

“When my buddies and I heard the news, we immediately fixed our Tinder profiles. I felt free to let potential hook-ups know I used to measure eight inches. Thanks to pollution, my length is now four inches. We must fight against global warming. We must reduce our carbon footprint.”

5. Sophia, the first android with citizenship, now wants to have a robot baby www.entrepreneur.com, October 8, 2021

“Damn, even robot chicks are clingy and crazy.”

-Scholar, gentleman, and perpetually single dude, Zach Ferris

Ah, the futuristic headline the 1980s dreamed up. Until the news broke, local bartender Zach Ferris had considered himself Sophia’s boyfriend. Society applauded Zach for seeing past Sophia’s robotic nature and falling in love.

When Sophia went public with her maternal longings, Ferris ghosted her. He wouldn’t return her calls and told the AI he was drunk when he said he loved her. Surely Sophia’s superior intelligence helped her to comprehend their “friends with benefits” status. Ferris knows he never publicly called the robot his girlfriend.

Honorable mention and follow-up to Sophia:

World’s first living robots can now reproduce, scientists say www.cnn.com, November 29, 2021

Yaaaaaaay.

To the joy of childless women everywhere, robot reproduction is now possible. Women sans children who are so by choice and women who struggle with pregnancy alike shout from the rooftops:

Yaaaaaaay.

The multitudinous layers of creep here pale in comparison to conversations with loved ones about my childless status. I look forward to my parents bringing up this headline in the next, “will you ever give us grandchildren?” conversation.

Mutated strains of COVID-19 threaten hospital capacity. Crowds in Dallas await the return of dead Democrats to usher Trump back into power. Mass shootings and hate crimes continue to break our hearts. But take heart!

The aforementioned headlines poke bright holes into clouds of despair. Without reading a word of the content underneath the titles, we can create our own newsworthy stories. And the world feels a bit less bleak.

Sarah Paris writes in multiple niches. You can find more of her work here.