Self
New Years and the Value of Anti-Resolutions
How to leverage your negativity bias and “via negativa” to complete your goals.
My severe introversion had left me at the altar of solitude. I grew lonely and anxious from the lack of interaction. And so I embarked on my resolution to be more social.
There was great progress in the first few months. I forced myself to go to cocktail parties, meet with old friends, and try new things. Then, and without me noticing, I began relapsing back to my house and doing inside things, and another resolution was broken.
Next, I resolved to be more organized. And so I began the systematic process of getting things off the floor, putting my belongings into bins, and labeling them. My house looked impeccable, and I knew where everything was.
And then, yet again, I began to slip. Laziness crept in. I left one thing on the ground and then two, and put a tool into the wrong bin. Just like a classic workout resolutioner skipping a workout, I broke the continuity, and everything fell apart.
Another New Year is upon us and, as you well know, many resolutions don’t go well. One study showed only 46% of people accomplished theirs — which is still better than many would have you believe. There’s an alternative way of looking at New Year's resolutions: an anti-resolution. It is not a willy-nilly catchphrase. There is science to back it up, and I’ve used it for three years now to great effect.
Why they work so well
We already possess an intrinsic negativity bias, which, per Dr. Amrisha Vais, is “the propensity to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information.”
When exposed to an equally positive and negative event, your brain gives way more attention to the negative one. This bias emerged through evolution and our need to assume the shaking bush had a tiger in it rather than a squirrel — until we confirmed otherwise. It’s partly why news headlines skew so negatively. It’s why, if you think of your last job, you could probably think of the worst parts of it easier than the best parts.
It is a grim and frustrating instinct, but it can be leveraged with anti-resolutions — by identifying the things in your life you no longer want rather than the things you do.
For me, one that I tried appropriately was to reduce my negative thinking. I saw a psychologist who introduced me to cognitive behavioral therapy (the gold standard in treatment).
One of his homework assignments was to label the voice that brought negative, self-critical thinking and mark a line on a piece of paper every time he spoke. Then, I tallied them up at the end of the day and tried to reduce that number. I did this three times a week and labeled my voice “Mr. Darkness”, and systematically cut his cameos down by 90%. It was amazing.
Another way to consider this approach is through an apophatic theology concept called via negativo, which is the study of what not to do.
It was initially introduced as a means of understanding god by understanding what he isn’t — because no person could truly comprehend god fully. And regardless of your proclivity towards religion, this is the big idea with anti-resolutions: understanding who you aren’t and then deleting activities that don’t align.
In my second year, I resolved to protect my time more. I’m a people pleaser to a fault and was giving away time and free consulting to strangers. I knew that every time I did this, it never felt reciprocated or appreciated, and I began resenting myself for giving in — which just invited Mr. Darkness back again.
This “free stuff request” would come in the form of people wanting to “meet for coffee” or have a quick call to “talk shop”. In reality, they wanted access to my expertise under the guise of networking.
I simply reminded myself of the resentment I felt when they did this and politely declined to meet up. If they were insistent, I told them my consulting fee, and they ghosted me — which reinforced my suspicion they were just there to take. What I found was that the negativity bias makes these anti-resolutions easy to stay on top of and easy to spot. Removing them became simple.
Put another way, you use via negativa when you aren’t sure where you want to go in life but know where you don’t want to go. By avoiding wrong turns, you eventually get to the right place.
It is akin to the wisdom that only experience and age can bring. As I scan back through my life through many teachable moments, many small negative memories pop up — and remind me of their lessons.
I recall being overly honest as a child and hurting someone’s feelings, making them cry. I realized I didn’t like how it made me feel, either. It helped me be more empathetic. I knew what not to say going forward. This is via negativa in action.
This is the same concept I’ve used to improve my writing. I learned that I couldn’t always come up with great content, but I knew which of my sentences were bad, and to delete them. In this way, I learned to bumble my way through articles by getting rid of the bad stuff until the content was legible.
The other perk of an anti-resolution is that, for me, it feels a bit less cliche. New Year’s resolutioners are the brunt of jokes and picked on, which feels a bit unfair. People are just trying to become better. Why not let them do their thing? With anti-resolutions, it feels like an alternative path and gives me a subtle spirit of adventure.
One way to create them is to make a list and, at the top, write, “Things I don’t want to do anymore.” Then, list them, rank them by priority, decide on one or two, and go.
The takeaway
We need goals. For me, I function better and am happier and more driven with them. Research proves this is the case for us all, so consider mixing things up this year.
Don’t get caught in the mob of a common New Year’s resolution. Instead, consider listing out your anti-resolutions and leverage the negativity bias to your advantage.
As a parting tip, beware of starting your resolution or anti-resolution in early January. This is when we are just recovering from the holidays.
Family is often still in town, and there are tons of leftover food and energy spent entertaining. But when you are ready, get after it. Ignore the haters. And, please, go easy on the resolutioners — and yourself.