Summary

New Relationship Energy (NRE) often involves a mix of reality and fantasy, which can be healthy for a relationship if managed correctly.

Abstract

The early stages of a romantic relationship, known as New Relationship Energy (NRE), are characterized by excitement and the creation of fantasies about the other person. This process is considered healthy as it allows individuals to explore new aspects of themselves and envision a more fulfilling life. Fantasies can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and relationship development, provided they are compatible and realistic. Compatible fantasies involve mutual interest and excitement in the roles each partner imagines for the other. Realistic fantasies are grounded in the true characteristics and capabilities of the partners involved. It's essential to assess whether the fantasies align with each partner's desires and whether they can be actualized within the relationship. By testing and exploring these fantasies together, couples can build a shared reality that enhances their connection and helps them become more vibrant versions of themselves.

Opinions

Fantasy in new relationships is seen as a positive force that encourages curiosity and the awakening of dormant aspects of oneself.
A relationship can act as a conduit for individuals to embody the adventurous or idealized qualities they perceive in their partner.
Fantasy is viewed as the initial thread that can lead to the creation of new shared realities within a relationship.
For fantasies to contribute positively to a relationship, they must be mutually compatible and realistic, with both partners willing to engage in the roles and adventures imagined.
Incompatibility in fantasies, such as differing desires for wildness or control, can lead to relationships heading in opposite directions.
Unrealistic fantasies, based on misconceptions or idealized versions of a partner, can result in disappointment if not grounded in the partner's true nature and behaviors.
Fantasies should be gradually explored and tested within the relationship to ensure they are shared and achievable, fostering a more alive and authentic connection.

New Relationship Energy: Are You Into the “Real” Them or Just a Fantasy?

Secret: the fantasy can actually be healthy(!) — here’s how, plus two key criteria you can use to evaluate it.

We’ve all been there in the early days of getting to know a new romantic connection, when everything is covered in a thin, glittering veneer of magic and anything seems possible.

At a certain point in the process though, you might get worried about your own enthusiasm for this person. You might ask: Am I excited about them or am I excited about a fantasy I’m projecting onto them?

The answer at the start of a relationship is usually “both.” And that’s not necessarily a bad thing! Here’s why:

Healthy relationships are woven with a mix of current realities and hoped-for fantasies.

When you meet a new prospective partner, it’s actually healthy if they inspire fantasy. Fantasy is the subconscious stretching out into new territory, curious and eager to explore. It allows us to tap into dormant parts of ourself that want to come alive. Fantasy is a key that opens doorways into living a fuller life.

If your person seems glamorously adventurous and makes you feel like you could be a more adventurous version yourself, the relationship may actually serve as a pathway for you to step into that. If they see you as the embodiment of so many qualities they’ve always dreamed of finding in a life partner and feel like they could settled down and build a family with you, the relationship may be a foundation for you both building that together.

While it’s not yet anchored in reality, fantasy is the subtlest thread from which we weave new realities.

However, in order for fantasy to play a healthy role in your new relationship, there are two prerequisites:

1. Are your fantasies compatible?

Having fantasies that combine well together is often a prerequisite for a relationship. If they see you as someone they can explore their wild side with, but you see them as someone you can leave your wild ways behind for, you may be fantasizing about heading in opposite directions.

Similarly, if you fantasize about surrendering to them and they fantasize about you dominating them, it’s probably not going to click.

However, if both of you are interested and excited to play — or best of all, fantasizing about playing — the role the other person fantasizes about you playing, you’ve got the beginnings of a rich and potent connection. 🔥

2. Are your fantasies realistic?

I once dated a man who told me, when expressing how much he had fallen in love with me, “You make me feel like I could be a better person.”

Turns out that was a red flag: I later learned he’d lied to and cheated on multiple past partners. And guess what? He eventually lied to me and slept with other women on the side with me as well.

He wanted to change, he fantasized about being a better person with me, but he was not able to.

Likewise, I fantasized about going on adventures with him — traveling, skydiving, etc. My fantasies were unrealistic not because he was a liar and a cheater, but because at the end of the day he wasn’t actually as adventurous as I’d fantasized about him being. He was a bit of a homebody, and I’d projected an unrealistic image onto him.

At the end of the day, fantasy is often the first building block of reality. Our hopes and dreams, those secret imaginings that make us feel excited and alive are what we can use to actually step into new life.

Start to test the waters and explore your fantasies with your new parter, little by little. See if they are shared, and if they are realistic. Not all will be, but if enough are, you can together open a pathway to being fuller, more alive versions of yourselves.