New Dog Owner’s Guide to Owning a New Dog

Own your dog. Own it!

So you bought a dog. You took onboard all those stern messages about dogs not being just for Christmas, and how they are a big responsibility, and how much work they can be… and you bought one anyway.

What follows is a no-thrills guide to owning a dog. This guide is intended for people who are new to dog owning, and have yet to experience the wonders of having a canine friend.

It is also intended for Jim at number 32, who, can’t seem to keep his rabid little flea ball out of my garden.

Say Goodbye to Your Privacy

You know how cat owners sometimes complain about how indifferent their furry little sociopath is towards them? Well, dogs aren’t that.

With a dog, you will be hounded when you leave. You will be pawed at when you arrive. You will be stalked any time you so much as look at the cupboard where the dog food is kept. You will be fixed with the most intense gaze known to man any time you eat toast. Why toast? I have no idea. Dogs love toast.

They will follow you into the toilet. They will try and sleep on your bed. They will jump in your car when you don’t want them to. And they will not, under any circumstances, give up the sofa without a fight.

NEVER Leave the House Without Poop Bags

You will never know judgement like that of a neighbour who has just witnessed your dog leave a steaming turd on the pavement outside their home and is now watching you apologetically walk away while promising to return soon to clean it up.

“Just scoop it up with your hands”, their eyes say. No thanks, Barbara.

Your dog’s rectum is devious bastard. It will endure miles and miles of “walkies” without so much as a twitch, but the second you leave the house without a poop bag, it’s Shit City. Population: you.

Addendum: Always Take Several Bags

That devious rectum we were talking about knows how many bags you have about your person. If you dare to leave the house with only one, you can bet your arse there will be several bathroom breaks on your walk.

Never Forget Where Their Tongue Has Been

Dogs like to lick their owners. They lick their hands, they lick their knees… and they lick their face. You will be told that it is a sign of affection, that it shows your dog loves you.

You know what else they love? Their own butt.

Dogs have absolutely no qualms about giving the aforementioned devious bastard rectum a good tonguing and then going straight for your face. Like some twisted and (hopefully) illegal porno.

They Can Tell the Time

Don’t let the vacant expression fool you; these buggers are smarter than they look. If you establish a set routine for feeding time, they know.

They know.

I don’t know if they have a remarkably accurate internal clock, or they can actually read the one on the wall, but when that minute hand starts edging towards food o’clock, you will feel those blank, unblinking eyes on you.

Have you ever tried to outstare a dog at mealtime? It’s like trying to stare down a particularly stupid frog with hair.

I don’t know why I went with frog — look, you get the idea.

They Will Set You Up

You shouldn’t hit your dog, you know that. I know that. Every person you pass in the street knows that.

The fact that everyone knows that will inevitably make it all the more painful when your dog — who has developed a habit of defiantly staring at you as you tell him to get off the sofa for the millionth time, along with a host of other passive-aggressive behaviours — cowers like a broken torture victim when you scold them for rolling in a muddy puddle.

If you thought the neighbour who saw you leave the dog poo on the street (temporarily!) was judgemental, wait until you see the looks of a fellow dog walker who thinks you beat your dog.

They Will Make a B-Line For Any Mud, Swamp, or Body of Water

Speaking of rolling in muddy puddles, they do that. A lot. If you take your dog for a walk in a dry field with a single two-foot wide puddle being the only source of water in a five-mile radius, your dog will attempt to sit, lie, or roll in it.

They Will Make a Special Effort to Shake Themselves Dry Right Next to You

Every. Time.

You’re Not Going to Pay Attention to Any of This

Seriously. I’ll be surprised if you even got this far. Not because of my writing, but because you’ve already decided you’re going to get a dog. Maybe you’ve already got one, and it’s too late for you.

But don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

P.S. Don’t Get a Chocolate Lab

They’ll shit in your shoes and maintain eye contact while they do it.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy other things I have written that do not involve my little gi…pet dog.