Summary

The author expresses frustration with the overuse of complex and pretentious business jargon in the workplace, advocating for clear and straightforward communication.

Abstract

The article titled "Never Mind the Bollocks: Why Can’t We Just Talk English?" delves into the author's disdain for the convoluted and often nonsensical language that has permeated professional environments. Over a forty-year career, the author has witnessed a shift from simple, understandable English to a "cacophony of business-speak." This trend is criticized for turning basic concepts into verbose and opaque phrases that serve more to impress than to communicate effectively. The author humorously dissects common buzzwords like "space," "play," "piece," "robust," "unpack," "dig in," "explore," "curate," and "110%," highlighting the absurdity of their overuse. The article emphasizes the importance of plain language, as supported by a U.S. government website dedicated to the cause, and argues that clear communication is not only more efficient but also more inclusive.

Opinions

The author believes that the use of pretentious business jargon is a form of unnecessary complexity that obscures meaning and complicates communication.
Jargon like "learning and development space" and "dig in" is seen as a way to make simple actions seem more significant or sophisticated.
The article suggests that the use of such language can be exhausting and disillusioning, contributing to a sense of alienation in the workplace.
The author argues that plain language is crucial for inclusivity, ensuring that communication is accessible to everyone regardless of their familiarity with business buzzwords.
There is a critique of the expectation to "give 110%," which is mathematically impossible and exemplifies the unrealistic and often nonsensical demands of corporate culture.
The preference for straightforward language is clear, with the author advocating for the ability to explain concepts without resorting to overcomplicated wording that can bedazzle and mislead the audience.

Never Mind the Bollocks: Why Can’t We Just Talk English?

Let’s dump the pretentious business speak and get real

Over the last forty years of working, I’ve seen language in the office go from something easy to understand to a pretentious cacophony of business-speak that is almost another incomprehensible.

And it makes me want to throw up.

Before I continue, let’s clear a couple of things up.

Firstly, I know language is evolving. Otherwise, we’d all be talking like Macbeth. Or maybe grunting and pointing at wall art we drew with our own poo.

Secondly, as proved in the famous Sex Pistols case, bollocks isn’t a swear word. It means nonsense. They fought the law, and the law lost.

Now I’ve got that out of my system, let’s get back to the point.

In the 1980s, when I started work, we were expected to know how to speak and write English correctly. The most radical use of a word I ever encountered was when I worked as a large UK retailer.

The word was ‘action’, as in, “Could you please action that Miss Scott?”

Quite revolutionary for those days, but I was a Management Trainee and accepted the jargon as a sign I was being initiated into the arcane art of retail. Seven years later, the cult of retail spat me out, exhausted and disillusioned, and I set off for the brave new world of corporate.

Fast forward forty years, and I can barely understand what anyone at the office says.

Instead of plain language, which is so important that the US has a whole website devoted to it, people use trite, pretentious gobbledygook. And they don’t just write it. They speak it and take themselves seriously while doing so.

So what do I mean?

Space:

“Next month in the learning and development space we will be reviewing the induction process.”

What space? Why can’t we just say, “Next month we will be reviewing the induction process.” Why do we have to be in a space? I didn’t know I worked in a space. I must be really professional.

Play:

Sometimes we play in the space.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to review the induction process.”

That’s not playing. That’s working. My idea of playing is going out for a nice lunch with my friends. Or going to a movie or reading a good book. Not mucking about at working reviewing stuff that has been reviewed umpteen times before.

I’ve always enjoyed my job, but I think I know the difference between work and play.

Piece:

Sometimes while we are playing in the space, we talk about a piece. Piece of what? Pie? Cake? Lemon tart? Arse?

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to review the induction process, in particular the diversity piece.”

Robust:

In the business world, not content with things being correct, things also have to be robust. And there’s me thinking that robust is a word to describe a pink-faced boy playing in the street or a tweedy committeewoman waving her arms about.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to review the induction process, in particular the diversity piece to ensure it is robust.”

Unpack:

We also unpack things. Where from? Are they in the attic in a wicker hamper? If these things were so important, why did we pack them up in the first place?

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to review the induction process, in particular we will unpack the diversity piece to ensure it is robust.”

Dig in:

As well as unpacking, we also dig. Looking at things in detail isn’t good enough. We need to dig. I don’t want to dig. It sounds tiring. I’d rather just have a look at it.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to dig in to the induction process. In particular we will unpack the diversity piece to ensure it is robust.”

Also, I’m confused. If we are digging, are we doing deep work? Or is that different?

Explore:

Along with digging and unpacking, we explore. In my experience this is used when someone wants you to do something you don’t want to do.

Instead of just telling you, they get you to explore.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to dig in to the induction process. We’ll explore how to unpack the diversity piece to ensure it is robust.”

Curate:

What the fuck is this all about? I’m sorry, are we in a museum? No. So why are we curating?

Not only do we curate data but also courses. Once, we just had a list of courses. If we really went mad we had a library of courses. Now we have curated learning offerings.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to dig in to the induction process. We’ll explore how to unpack the diversity piece to ensure it is robust. We’ll curate it in the learning space.”

110%:

We are now expected to bend the space-time continuum, and the laws of math and physics, and give 110%. This just shows me that people don’t know basic math. I’m not a Time Lord or Stephen Hawking, so no.

Here’s an idea. Every time someone asks the team for 110%, suggest the rest of the team do the 100%, and you do the extra ten. Easy-peasy lemon-squeezy.

“Next month we will be playing in the learning and development space to dig in to the induction process. We’ll explore how to unpack the diversity piece to ensure it is robust. We’ll curate it in the learning space. I expect 110% from the team.”

Talk to people and write a proposal for discussion becomes:

Going forward, touch base with your network and leverage their expertise, reach out to stakeholders with skin in the game and come up with a high-level proposal to interrogate.

And I’m supposed to do all this outside the box.

Final thoughts

I’ve spent many years training a diverse range of people. My role was to explain things simply so that people could understand what I’m talking about.

Fancy words dress up common sense concepts to make what is said, and the speaker, sound intelligent. It also obscures the meaning of what is said.

Over complicated wording can also bedazzle the audience into thinking what is said, must be true. After all, it sounds so professional.

As a pragmatic person, this annoys me because it is not inclusive.

I don’t mind the odd big word, but pretentious business-speak drives me mad.

Thanks for reading.

If you enjoyed this article have a look at some of the others I’ve attached below.