Negotiating: The Undeniable Skill for Survival

Do You Know What You Do Not Want?

When you wake up in the morning, you negotiate with the part of you who wants to stay in bed. Often you win given how long you negotiated and what you see as winning. Did you beat your alarm, or you snoozed? Negotiating is one of the essential skills we will ever have as humans. As much as it is a skill, it is science, evidence-based, and psychological. Negotiation is a mind game where you must win before your mind is penetrated by the influence of the one you are negotiating.

At every age, every relationship, and every profession, you negotiate. Negotiation has a twin sibling called sales! When you negotiate with your parents on the time for you to stay out at night, you are selling them the thought of trust; you are selling them your belief that everything will be fine even if you come back later than they asked you. When you decide on your date night, you are negotiating. You are selling your idea of the perfect night out to your partner. Now, you want to be mindful of the other person’s beliefs and opinions. There are two ways to win this type of negotiation; you can choose to provide the option of ‘my way or the highway,’ meaning that you turn your idea into the only option, and if that is not happening, you ruin the whole date all together, either by ruining the night or hurting your partner. The fear of a bad night out or a fight will instigate your partner to give in to your demands. This type of negotiation is harmful and hurtful and will not work for a long time with the same person. You can throw a feat whenever something does not go your way, but you will only go as far as being cornered by your demands.

The other way of negotiating is mastering the art of selling. You can sell your idea of a date to your partner without hurting their feelings, without ignoring their views of the date then you win. It takes two to tango! Here, you must learn to allow the other person to have your way! How will you do it without giving up on what you want? So, if you plan to go out at night and cannot agree on which restaurant to go to, then one person must compromise more than the other person. In negotiating, psychology plays a more significant role than thought. First, you must know your partner and study them. You should know the answers to some basic questions. What are their likes and dislikes? What is the restaurant’s atmosphere they would want to spend their date night? Knowing the answers to these questions will give you a head start to go to a place where you recommend. Second, make sure that your partner feels part of the deal. Understanding what the other person wants will help you get what you want as well.

In your professional life, you will negotiate your position. If you are in a meeting where you have an idea you want to pitch, you must listen to every other person. Learn from the people in the room; what are their thoughts and what they want. What is the other person pitching? If you are observant and not hardheaded, you can find your way to your pitch. You must be ready to listen, learn and let other’s lead you to where you want to go. How can you sell your idea to your manager? You begin by allowing them to pitch their idea to you. You practice patience and listen. With every word they speak, you learn and find similarities to your idea. Then, you begin allowing them to mold what you have in mind. Do not throw questions that make them question themselves but ask questions that enable them to rethink their ideas. For example, if someone says I like to have X on my team, do not throw the question “Why?” right on the table. Instead, quickly analyze X’s skill-sets, the team’s requirements that X is about to leave, and the one X will join. You should already know the “Why?.” What is essential here is to ask yourself, is X joining the team in line with your negotiation part? Is this what you want? If yes, then you let the other person have your way; if not, then as you analyzed, you now praise their idea of X, elaborate all the other skills X has, and pitch in the person you see fit into the mix; very subtly! You are still praising X, the idea of having the same skill-set on the team, but moving in Y closer to where X is. Now that you and the other person have established that you have the same idea of X, it is the right time to move X into the position you want. The example of X and Y seems more like a mathematical equation, but you just sold Y and purchased X!

As much as your thoughts affect your outcome in negotiation, your language does too. Your body language is equally crucial in meeting in person, alongside your tone and what you say.

Therefore, studying the person and making them comfortable is part of negotiating and winning.

If you want something, you must equally know what you do not want. Likewise, if you want to win, you must know why you do not want to lose. If you lack this understanding of your purpose and self, your negotiation will stumble over your ego, and you may give way to the other person’s ego to crush yours. In your tug of war, to have the other person settle for what you want, you will not have a smooth run to the end. Every time it gets more challenging when one of you pulls the rope, remember why you began and your objective. The mindset of not being willing to lose will keep you in the game.

In the professional sector, most write-ups on negotiation focus on negotiating a pay raise. Remember, the objective is not the money. The goal is value. The moment you put a price over your head in negotiating or in life, someone will come to buy you out! And often they will pay less than what you asked. The value you bring to the negotiating table should be priceless.

Negotiation begins to end in a deal. What you learn during negotiation is what the other person’s interest is for being there with you negotiating the deal, terms of the contract, pay raise, the time to come back home, and date night!

In the business world, we are taught that negotiation is about monetary gains, and often the term ‘it’s about money’, comes to mind. Yes, on the surface, it is about the money, but as a skilled negotiator and deal maker, you must understand the interest in money and the value it brings to the negotiating table! Ask this question, what is the value of the pay raise both to the person getting it and the person giving it? What is the value of reducing the interest rate on a loan contract? If you do not see the value or have one, you are bound to have two outcomes only! Either you lose, or you win, never to win again!

Here are a few significant areas in which we negotiate; Business Contract, Sales, Politics, Relationships, and Earnings. Every area has a different approach; this approach is called strategy. Therefore, it is vital that you build a strategy before beginning your negotiation.

In building a strategy, we go back to the part where you must know and understand the person or the party with whom you are trying to strike a deal. If you lack this understanding and are focused on a relationship, you are bound to fail in the long term.

In business, you can build your negotiation strategy through data and market analytics. In politics, you can develop your strategy through political analysis. In relationships, you can use psychological analysis, and in sales and business contracts, scope analysis. The common element here is analysis. An analysis is crucial and central to your success in negotiating, but you can only implement it if you have decision-making powers. If you are unable or are not the decision-maker, you will not be successful! For most personal negotiations such as pay raise, job offer, and relationship scenarios, you must fend for yourself; negotiating becomes a bit more personal and is not all business anymore, so you have to be able to understand the element of emotion at a higher level than you would do in negotiating a business contract. Personal negotiations are more challenging to get by than performing negotiation as a delegate for an organization or country. The significant difference is that in scenarios such as job offers, you are the sole decision-maker for yourself, but you represent a more considerable interest in sales, contracts, and politics. So, it is essential to position yourself right and have access to the correct information to make a decision. Successful negotiators at a personal level are often successful organizational negotiators with a higher understanding of emotional factors, but the reverse may not be accurate.

Before entering a negotiation, answer the questions below to better position yourself into a winning pole.

Am I the decision-maker?

Do I know what the other person or party wants?

Do I have an Analysis of the situation?

Do I know what I do not want?

Do I know of any common interests?

Answering these questions will put you in a better position to negotiate the next strategic partnership, the next sales, and close the deal with a handshake that will last. Remember your purpose before you begin.

Begin by being genuine to yourself, answer the questions and re-evaluate yourself.

Are you the decision-maker? If yes, you have the authority to close the deal based on the analysis of the situation. If you are not the decision-maker, you must reposition yourself and your strategy. In such cases, you may not end up being the closing person, or even if you are closing, you will be taking on a message to the other side. If you are in the latter position, understand your place at the table and negotiate differently by being more of a collaborator with the other side making it clear that you are trying to make this work, and you will sing to the ears of the decision-makers what your negotiating party wants your decision-maker to hear. Tough place to be, but it is important to know the answer to the other four questions to win.

Do you know what the other person or party wants? If yes, you can now make a better and more inclusive decision, given that you are the decision-maker. But, if you are not the decision-maker, your job is harder because you must convey that knowledge to your decision-maker, who will not be emotionally aware of the situation and may deliver an ‘unempatheic’ decision that will either break the deal or make you win, never to win again.

Do you have an analysis of the situation? As explained earlier, your analysis will vary from scenario to scenario. You must analyze the other person, the situation, the market, the product, and every element involved in the negotiation. If you are missing this analysis or have this information and are not a decision-maker, you are shooting in the dark. As we answer this question, we also learn that the answers to these questions are interdependent on others.

Do you know what you do not want? Often, we know that we want to win in any given situation and scenario. Everyone wants to win, but not everyone can decipher their purpose of why they do not want to lose. Do you have the answer to that question? Answering this question can change the outcome of your negotiation and catapult you toward getting what you want. Try this same question for yourself in life. Why don’t you want to fail in life? The answer to this question is like a reserve battery when your battery of, ‘Why do you want to succeed in life?’ needs charge.

Do you know of any common interests? Find commonalities and build on them. Your analysis of the situation will help you do that. Knowing what the other person wants and what you do not want will help you find common interests. This is the basis for creating a solution where everyone benefits. Remember that annihilating the other person and party is not negotiation. You enter negotiation not only to get what you want but because there is a greater purpose to the outcome of what you want. It may be a rewarding career, recurring sales, retention, peace, and longevity. Define differences and shared interests and build on the common ground because you can build on those and destroy differences.