Needle-in-a-Haystack Dating Truths
Sometimes, that prick is not actually a needle.
The expression “looking for a needle in a haystack” is often applied to dating. It isn’t easy to find the one person who is right for us when there are so many options and possibilities. Frankly, most of us find that it’s not a matter of too many good choices but far too few of them.
Needle-in-a-Haystack Dating Truths
I’m upfront about the fact that I don’t really date anymore. I’m open to it, but it’s not something I actively look for in my life. I love the life I’ve created, and I find dating apps intolerable. Because I’ve had so much experience as a single person, I have identified a few truths about why it’s so hard to find that proverbial needle in the proverbial haystack.
Most of the Haystack is Convinced It’s a Needle
Everyone seems to think that they aren’t the problem. It’s everyone else. We’re all so convinced we’re the needle when sometimes we’re just a part of the haystack. We lack self-awareness, and it shows.
I’ve identified my ultimate dating flaw. It’s called anxiety. When I like someone and they’re actually really nice, I get a crippling wave of anxiety that makes it difficult for me to continue to communicate. I detach. I found this out the hard way. I was talking to this great guy when suddenly I became that sketchy person who couldn’t respond to a text in a reasonable amount of time with a reasonable amount of enthusiasm. That’s how I discovered that I still hadn’t healed from the last relationship. I was afraid of being hurt, and I absolutely wrecked my chances with a good person because of my behavior — and the lack of communication around my behavior.
I was the haystack thinking I was the needle because I hadn’t yet clued into the fact that I had an area I really needed to work on. But I meet men all the time who think they’re one of the good guys when showing clear, identifiable red flags. They can tell us 100 things their exes did wrong but have a hard time truly identifying their own faults in relationships. They think they don’t have any, so they don’t learn to address their issues in a way that would yield healthier relationships.
Goodbye Instant Gratification, Hello Unlimited Patience
Finding a good match is hard because we all love instant gratification, and we all hate being patient. We want every person we’re attracted to online to end up being The One, and we take it way too seriously when they’re not. We’re disappointed, so we see other people as the disappointment rather than accepting that not everyone is going to be the best match for us.
It takes patience to keep showing up when we’re eliminating potential matches rather than finding good ones. We have to trust the process, and frankly, the process is exhausting. It’s made before exhausting by all the people who just aren’t honest — or are honest but unkind.
Changing Patterns is Hard to Do
It’s tough to change our own patterns. Every now and then, I would see someone on online dating that I almost matched with because of attraction and curiosity. But then, I reminded myself that I am no longer allowed to ignore red flags. I’ve learned my lesson. Now, I have to put it into practice. The temptation to swipe right on the wrong person is there, but I know better now. It never, ever ends well.
We have to see our patterns to even be able to change them. If all our relationships are garbage but we have a type, we need to change our type. And we may need the help of honest friends who are comfortable telling us what it is we’re doing wrong (because, trust me, they see it).
The Hay is a Prick, Not a Needle
Sometimes, we think we’ve found a needle, but it’s just another prick pretending to be one to secure the relationship. Those are the worst! We think we’ve found someone who is a good match only to find out later that they purposefully misrepresented themselves. The problem is sometimes we realize this and don’t immediately end the relationship. By that point, we’re likely invested and unwilling to cut our losses.
But we should — cut our losses, I mean. When we realize that the needle that we thought we’d found is just another prick, we should toss them back in the pile and move on. Honesty matters, and we’ve come too far to spend any more time with people who don’t align with the lives we’re creating.
We Can’t Force Timing
We can’t force the timing of relationships. We can’t make the right relationship appear simply because we feel ready for it. That’s not how life works. And because of that, we sometimes settle. We don’t wait. We decide we can make a less-than-ideal relationship work because it’s what we’ve got on hand. This also never ends well, but that’s a lesson we have to figure out ourselves.
Timing matters. Sometimes, we find the right person at the wrong time — or the wrong person when the timing feels right. They often end the same, which is to say badly.
Some Needles Aren’t for Us
We also have to face the fact that some good matches aren’t good matches for us. They might be genuinely good partners and people we respect and enjoy. That doesn’t mean we’ve found the right fit.
It’s funny how sometimes people beat themselves up for not loving the “right” people. Yet, the fact that we don’t feel that way about them might mean they aren’t right for us. Compatibility matters, and it’s important to make sure that we’re not just settling for a good person when we know it’s not a good fit. Sometimes, we need to have the courage to admit that we’re not a good match even if we genuinely like each other and wish it were otherwise.
Sometimes, We Drop the Needles
Sometimes, we’ve got the needle, but we’re the ones who let it go. We make mistakes. We weren’t ready for them. We didn’t learn how to recognize and cultivate healthy relationships.
I really don’t think there’s just one single person who is right for us. When a relationship doesn’t work out, we will have other chances at love. But it’s important to realize that sometimes we have the needle and don’t recognize that we’ve found it. Or we have it and mess it up. In my experience, all we can really do is apologize and move forward by learning the lesson.
We’re Allergic to the Haystack
Sometimes, we just hate the dating format. I’m honestly better in an actual conversation than I am on a dating app. I know that about myself. I can be off-the-cuff funny at times online, but sometimes, I’m just not feeling it. It can be hard to translate personality on those days when we’re just dealing with life but also trying to connect.
Frankly, many of us simply hate the setup of online dating and dating apps. We want to find love, but we just hate the way we’re having to do it. We might not technically be allergic to the process, but we might be more reticent when it comes to participating in something we find painful and/or annoying.
Dating: Farm Analogies Aside
I’m working on the trigger that makes my anxiety spike and my system shut down. I’m aware it’s there. Now, I communicate about it. I’m healing, and since I’m not perfect, I’m also healing imperfectly.
Dating is hard. Finding the right person is, too. That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile.
Lately, I’m happy on my own. If I meet someone, great. If I don’t, it doesn’t change my happiness quotient. Either way, I’ll keep learning and growing. That’s all we can really do anyway.
