Navigating Survivor’s Guilt After the Maui Wildfires
Learning to cope with a new reality after losing Lahaina Town
On August 8th, 2023 an offshore hurricane pushed through the Hawaiian Islands and caused the deadliest wildfire in modern U.S. history. In just a few hours, without any warning sirens, the flames completely engulfed our small beloved surf town, Lahaina.
Lahaina is rich with Hawaiian history, as it was once the capital of the Hawaiian Kingdom, and perfectly blended with the charm of an old whaler’s town.
Walking down Front Street, you’d hear the rhythm of crashing waves in between the friendly hellos of the people passing by. The mornings usually consisted of saying hi to friends at the coffee shop and heading to the harbor to check the surf. Lahaina was a small town where everything was walkable and you could feel light on your feet.
This was a town where everybody knew everybody.
Lahaina proudly maintained its historical buildings such as the Captain’s Library, The Old Jail, and The Baldwin House which were built from old coral heads and held strong to the true spirit of their era.
On the ocean side, downtown was lined with colorful wooden storefronts and restaurants which all connected as one. A stroll down Front Street usually consisted of popping in and out of all the stores to say hi to friends, or as we call it, talk story.
The harbor was always busy, and stood as a pillar of our community, as the sailing tradition still ran wild in Lahaina.
The harbor was built between two surf breaks, only separated by the boat channel entering the marina.
Almost daily, I would sail through the boat channel and shaka the surfers at the lineup, waiting for their next wave. Often kids would ask to hop onboard with their surfboards and be taxied out to the break.
As a surfer myself, we were always happy to give them a ride.
In the mornings, I would take my dog and a fresh coffee under the Banyan Tree and read for about an hour as the birds sang their morning songs.
Whether you were lucky enough to live in this small community or simply had the pleasure of visiting, you could tell this was a truly special place. The air felt sacred here, and we would often talk about how thankful we were to live in such paradise.
As the tragedy of August 8th grew closer, talk of Lahaina’s water diversion to the luxury hotels in Ka’anapali and the risk of what a wildfire in the dry hills above could do to our town was already being discussed.
Lahaina is no stranger to wildfires. Earlier this year, we had two wildfires that burned for days straight, as ash rained down on the town for over a week.
While fires in the dry brush above have been a problem in the past, it was the last thing anyone was worried about as the storm crawled closer to Maui.
Lahaina is typically well protected by the neighboring islands and hardly ever sees damaging winds. The Big Island usually takes the brunt of the hit, while maybe a few lawn chairs tip over in our yards here on Maui.
As the storm grew closer, schools and outdoor activities were canceled and many planned to spend the day off at home, enjoying a storm day.
As the power went out early on August 8th, many didn’t think much of it. Even small storms are known to easily knock out the grid around the island.
That morning, a small fire arose beside Lahainaluna Road but was quickly extinguished and deemed 100% contained. As the winds increased, the flames rose once again and this time hurled through the air at 75mph, quickly ravaging out of control through the hillside.
No sirens sounded. No text-alerts went out. Nobody knew what was happening until the flames were basically over their roof.
Multiple roadblocks were already in place due to downed power lines, leaving many of Lahaina’s exit routes blocked.
In hours, our small town became engulfed in an inferno of flames as those lucky enough to make it out watched helplessly from behind the shore wall, hiding for their lives.
Within hours — everything was gone.
To gain a greater grasp of the Lahaina fire, The NY Times published a virtual play-by-play walkthrough of the fire’s progression using real-time videos and images taken from those on the ground. You can view it HERE.
Navigating Survivor’s Guilt
We all face tragedy at certain points in our lives, and there is no escaping this reality. Each tragedy we face changes us deep within ourselves, and there is no going back to how it was before.
The reality is this is the new normal, and we have to learn to live with it.
The best thing you can do in the face of tragedy is show yourself compassion, patience, and love as you learn to navigate these new, haunting emotions thrown upon you.
As the flames worked their way down the hill and ravaged Panaewa Street, engulfing the house I had called home for years, I happened to be visiting family on the mainland.
I awoke the next day to countless missed calls and texts pleading to know if I was okay. Confused, I shot out of bed and began searching for answers. I opened my social media to a flood of posts from everyone I knew and loved desperately searching for answers, supplies, missing people, and places to stay. My chest clenched tight and my stomach now felt uneasy as I tried to process what was happening.
I ran downstairs and turned on the TV.
Images of our town, our harbor, and our ohana hiding behind the shore wall tore through my chest like a knife. It became hard to breathe and I crippled to the kitchen floor in disbelief. To this day anytime I see an image of our town in ashes, I can feel the knife twist just a bit more.
Days went by as I mentally spiraled out of control, feeling helpless and so far from everything that meant so much to me. All I could think to do was help, yet all that was in my power was spreading information and fundraising links. Feeling separated from my community during this time of unimaginable grief and sorrow, became the seed of my survivor’s guilt.
My daily hell could only be escaped at night when I’d revisit my Lahaina home in my dreams, holding the ashes in my hands surrounded by the weeping charred palm trees. The only thing that remained was the familiar constant rhythm of the ocean’s waves.
It became obvious that to move on, I needed to learn to face our new reality and healthily navigate these emotions.
I had to learn the art of moving on, whether I wanted to or not.
After wrestling with this for a few months, this is my advice on dealing with survivor’s guilt.
If you or anyone you know are struggling to cope after a personal tragedy, I hope these tips help you regain a sense of control as you work through tough times, in a healthy way.
1. Allow yourself to feel it
One of the most difficult tasks to navigate after the fire has been learning to reintegrate into society and accept this as my new ‘normal’.
Going to work and interacting with the public, most of whom have no idea what you are going through, can be especially tough when you are drowning in grief.
You may often hold your emotions in, put on a smile, and pretend everything is okay to get through the day. It’s important to not feel stuck in this habit, and regularly allow yourself to grieve in a safe place.
Spend time with yourself, and let it all out. The anger, sadness, and hopelessness will become emotionally sticky if you don’t allow them to move through you.
Allow yourself to weep.
Allow yourself to be angry and scream.
Allow yourself to deep-dive in meditation and bring suppressed emotions to the surface.
This energy needs to be released.
Remember, you’re not alone.
Allowing yourself the space to process grief is the first step in healing what you’re going through.
2. Use direct action to help make a positive impact
Immediately after the fires, all my brain could think to do was help.
Within hours the community had put together countless fundraisers, civilian-run supply tents, and a shared Excel sheet with every resident’s name and their status — found, missing, or deceased.
Spreading information to the world to raise money for the affected families gave me a sense of positive action.
On a deeper note — it gives me a sense of hope that our community has a better future than what we face today.
Taking action to help the situation you are dealing with, will be a major step in your healing journey.
Brainstorm ways to be of help out through fundraising, lending a helping hand, or simply holding space for others to speak to you, as you are someone to whom they can relate.
Be the hero for others, that you yourself need as well.
3. Embrace physical fitness out in nature
Depression and grief will manifest themselves through self-destructive habits if given the chance. The best way to take your power back and defeat hopelessness is to exercise to the point where you feel energized, powerful, and in control.
Set some fitness goals for yourself and stick to them.
Start every morning with a hike through nature and a good workout. Whatever you do, do not go right for your phone.
Keep the momentum strong as you start your day to avoid any potential emotional spiral.
Feed your body nourishing foods and clean water instead of numbing yourself with alcohol and junk food.
It may be tough, but staying dedicated to your physical health is key to preserving your mental health.
4. Limit your screen time
From the dawn of time, humans have always endured great tragedy in their lives.
Our ancestors, however, did not have access to phones full of photos and videos for them to relive their trauma with. It’s not healthy for us to continually subject ourselves to reliving what we have gone through.
Staring into a phone all day is the worst way to overcome any blanket of grief.
Put limits on your screen time, and focus instead on being emotionally present and physically active.
5. Find acceptance in what happened & forgiveness for the things you cannot control
The hardest step in the healing process, and undoubtedly the most important, is finding true acceptance and forgiveness in your heart for what has happened.
Getting to this step will take some time.
You will need to feel through all your layered emotions surrounding the situation and come to terms with what has happened.
Ultimately, you must refuse to live like a victim and deny hopelessness whenever it comes knocking.
Making peace with these emotions is the only way to true liberation from grief.
My anger toward the local government’s inaction during and after the fire enraged me. The disappointment in myself for not being there to help gnawed at me endlessly. Ultimately, dwelling on these negative emotions was never going to yield a better tomorrow. It took some time, but I had to learn to loosen my clenched fists of resentment and focus on positive solutions moving forward.
If you had someone or something special to you violently ripped away, it’s understandable to feel forgiveness is not an option. Give it time, and focus on processing at your own pace. Forgiveness cannot be rushed or forced, but when the time is right, you must learn to forgive whatever or whoever it was that inflicted this pain upon you.
You do not forgive for their peace — you forgive for your own.
You must also forgive yourself for anything you wish you could’ve done differently. Given what you had, you acted the best you could in the moment. Sometimes our imagination can get the best of us and the reality of those moments may become reconstructed.
Meditate daily in forgiveness and acceptance. With consistency, meditation will guide you through authentically releasing those moments of the past you are gripping so tightly.
Through finding acceptance in what happened and forgiveness in the very source of your pain, you strip it all of its power over you, allowing you to move forward and heal finally.
You will be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it now
As I traveled off the islands and spoke with people worldwide, I realized how many others could relate to my story with their own version of tragedy.
As I write this article amid a passing storm along Florida’s west coast, I‘ve heard numerous evacuation stories of past hurricanes from our new neighbors. I see a familiar distant gaze in their eyes as they speak of the devastation these hurricanes have caused to the towns they hold sacred in their hearts.
Just last week, while watching the movie Titanic, I couldn’t help but think how the ship sinking was their version of what I was experiencing.
At lunch with my aunt recently, she spoke of the pure terror she felt as she ran from the Twin Towers on 9/11. She too, knows what it‘s like to watch your whole world evaporate into thin air.
Soon I realized, I was not alone.
I‘m going to be okay, and so will you.
You have the power to be the light, which any dark situation so desperately needs.
A Note From the Author
Thanks for reading along and I hope this article was helpful to anyone who may need it.
If you ever feel like things are beyond your control, remember there is always help waiting for you. Whether online or in-person, never hesitate to reach out to a licensed therapist. Remember, you’re never alone.
If you’d like to help those affected by the Maui wildfires, you can donate to them directly HERE.