Navigating Divorce: When only the Ego Moves On
On July 17th, 2023, I experienced the sudden and unexpected passing of my ex-partner. The cause was a heart failure that took him while he was in his bedroom. This tragic event unfolded shortly after I had sent him a text message, inquiring about financial assistance for our second daughter’s MBA studies. Little did I know that this would be one of the last interactions he would read before his passing. As he went about his morning routine, he collapsed onto his bed, leaving me with a flood of complex emotions.
Our History: From Marriage to Separation
Our journey together began in 1991, the year when we married. Over the years, we welcomed two daughters into the world, with the second arriving nine years after the first. Eventually, our paths diverged, leading to a divorce marked by heightened egos and tensions. The decision to part ways was driven by a sense that we could each thrive independently, as our priorities had shifted dramatically. Our marriage dissolved, but unresolved emotions lingered beneath the surface.
Life’s Twists and Turns
In the aftermath of our separation, life took its course. He grappled with health issues, undergoing procedures for heart blockages, and engaged in unsuccessful relationships. Meanwhile, I battled cancer and navigated through my own challenging relationships. While we were no longer connected, our lives continued to intersect in subtle ways, such as him accidentally using my name when addressing his subsequent partners, as relayed by our daughters.
Lessons Learned and Unanswered Questions
His passing prompted profound introspection. Amid the grief, I pondered questions that had long remained dormant: Was he truly a flawed individual? Could our paths have shifted if I had attempted to guide his choices? Would change have been possible for him? In retrospection, it became evident that our marriage had lacked true partnership. We had coexisted, co-parented, and shared assets, yet the core of our connection had eroded over time.
Unveiling the Heart’s Truth
The most challenging realisation was that the façade of moving on after our divorce concealed a deeper truth. While our egos may have outwardly accepted the separation, our hearts remained intertwined in ways we had refused to acknowledge. Memories of our early adventures, collaborative travels, and subsequent conflicts echoed in the wake of his passing.
A Message of Reflection
As I grapple with his absence, I offer a simple message born from my experience.
- Let ego have no place within a household.
- Learn the power of gratitude and humility.
- Embrace the ability to admit mistakes and seek forgiveness. Avoid rationalising wrongs as rights.
- Above all, when building a life together, center your focus on that shared journey, letting trivial matters fall to the wayside. This approach ensures the sanctity of a marriage remains intact.
Moving Forward, Honouring the Past
As I contemplate the future without him, the road ahead seems daunting. The unspoken emotions and unfinished chapters persist, suggesting that moving on will be an intricate process. Perhaps, the truth is that neither of us ever truly moved on from our shared history. Amid this sorrow, I hold onto the lessons learned, cherishing the moments of connection that defined us, even as we moved in separate directions.
In Memoriam: Vijaykumar Arumugam
In memory of a chapter that shaped who we became, I honour the past and embrace an uncertain future. The journey continues, one step at a time, as I navigate the aftermath of loss, armed with newfound wisdom and an enduring respect for the complexities of love and human relationships. VJ, this is for you!
