Navigating Dating When You’re Anxiously Attached

How to tame that thought faucet

Ugh, how inconvenient.

I thought to myself as I left her classroom. I just settled into the comfort of my own space, a flow of my routine, and the solace of my own company. I was satisfied with being single. I felt mildly disappointed when the flutter of butterflies came roaring in like a massive migration to my belly.

I don’t need this right now.

Maya* (name changed for privacy) has a thousand-watt smile. I noticed her right away. She works in a different division and the opposite end of the school so we didn’t really cross paths and interact until recently.

I didn’t think anything of her beyond a sliver of interest.

That was my downfall. Infatuation often comes when you’ve stopped looking.

We had an emergency staff meeting and she plopped herself next to me and said hello. She started chatting about our mutual hobby and suggested we connect over it. I couldn’t stop thinking about her so I stopped by her classroom a few days later to say hello.

There was chemistry. Or at least there was on my end.

We exchanged information and started texting back and forth. I tried to be cautious and not overwhelming; I wanted to play it cool. I didn’t want to come on too strong or scare her off. I’m usually confident and can easily navigate situations with potential suitors when I’m sure of the other person’s feelings.

This time, not so much. I had no idea if she was just being friendly or she was actually into me.

Every moment was agonizing: will she text back? Why did it take so long for her to respond? Did I say too much? Are my drop by visits at school annoying? What did that look mean when I walked by? Am I being too obvious? Not overt enough? That wink, was it friendly or was there more to it?

Dating is the worst. I wish there was a way to just send a note and check a box and get it over with, like in elementary school:

Do you like me? Y N

Can we be a couple? Y N

My mind was flying a mile per minute every day and it was hard to slow my roll. I just wanted to go back to the calm waters of being focused on my own life; not being caught up in the whirlpool of “Maya”. My emotional bandwidth was thin enough already, and the uncontrollable occupation of this beautiful human was demanding more than I was consciously willing to give at first.

When I decided to surrender (I believe there are no accidents in life so this was obviously happening for a reason), I had to take ownership of my feelings and get things under control. I was still the autonomous, powerful bean I was before Maya. I just had to put my butterfly migration into perspective.

Moving forward

I gathered the gumption to ask Maya on a date. She agreed. We went. It was magical. She’s incredible. Lots of alignments. She’s a major “heck yes”.

We text daily, sometimes a few times per day. I try to play it as cool as I can but on the inside I’m freaking out. Why?

It’s been a long time since I was interested in someone and it was mutual. The reality of my manifestation is at my fingertips, and it could potentially be here. She could potentially be my person. This could be the beginning of my next love story. All of these things spark wild excitement.

Then there’s my my anxious attachment.

• Why isn’t she texting back right away?
• Why am I left on read for hours on end?
• Why is she not enthusiastically planning our next date?
• Why doesn’t she text in emojis and sweet gifs like I do?
• Was that last text too much? Am I chasing her too hard? Do I appear, as the kids say, thirsty?

My brain on anxiety

There are 4 types of attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, secure.

Before my last gut-wrenching emotionally abusive relationship, I was mostly secure. Now I am swimming in the anxious style. The biggest joke of all is that most anxious people attract avoidants (which, I’m thinking, is where Maya falls given some of the conversations we’ve had).

I’ve done a tremendous amount of work to acknowledge and discover this side of me, but haven’t ever had a chance to work on it in a healthy relationship. I’ve only been in toxic, soul-crushing, emotionally unstable partnerships (yay). It’s foreign territory to have to deal with and navigate my inner workings as a stable, evolved, self-aware grown-up.

As my insides explode with uncertainty because Maya is new in my life, I’m constantly reminding myself that I want to do things differently this time around:

• Not chase after her for security right off the bat because I can foster that on my own.
• Be patient with her because relationships move at the pace of the slowest person.
• Calm my imagination brain by breathing and staying grounded in the reality of our progress. We’ve been out ONCE. MY BRAIN DOESN’T NEED TO IMAGINE GETTING MARRIED YET, FFS.
• Be present in the newness. The beginning is a magical time too. Don’t miss it because I’m worried about the future.

How to stop obsessing over your potential suitor

Outside of bringing my concerns to therapy, I consulted the internet on how to chill TF out.

I wanted the feelings of burgeoning unsettledness to go away. The disruption to my calm and centered Saturday-nights-in-a-onesie was very inconvenient. I didn’t want to want to go out. My little cocoon bubble of being social on my own terms was fulfilling.

I really didn’t want to have this take so much of my mind, especially since I have no control over what Maya thinks or feels. I’ve been disappointed way too much over the last few years, it’s scary to open up to that possibility again. I tried to zoom out and get a grip on myself.

If I can’t will these feelings away, I might as well help myself get back to centre.

Galadarling says:

Burn it down: write every fantasy you have about the person. Feel it all as you write. Light the paper on fire and free yourself from the burden.

Tap it out: EFT, emotional freedom techniques, aka Tapping, uses vibrations (actual tapping) on the acupressure points in your body to move stuck energy.

Get in the water: Hot bath or cold plunge. Get that nervous system regulated. As long as you want in hot, at least 2 minutes in cold.

Bumble also has some good tips, including keeping yourself busy. Which is why I’m writing this article (LOL).

Things to remember when you start dating someone

1. You have created a story in your head about the person. You don’t necessarily know if it’s true. Your imagination (and maybe your hormones) have decided that she is worthy of your time, energy, and emotions. She has a whole life story that you likely don’t know extensively. Make space for the possibility that she is not the person you built her up to be.
2. Manage your expectations. She may not like you back. You have to be ready for that. Especially if you’re interested in someone at work, what’s the plan if things go south? If you can’t be professional if things don’t work out, don’t pursue the person regardless of how you feel.
3. Keep it to yourself. If you have to talk to other people about the person so you can blow off some emotional steam please make sure it’s people you love and trust. Your support system should have your best interests at heart, so confiding in them should help ease your mind. Just don’t blab to anyone who has a face about how much you like her. You’re not 12.
4. Give the person the B.O.D. (benefit of the doubt). Before you jump off an emotional cliff of assumptions when you don’t hear back immediately or she takes a day to ask you about your next date, remember that she has a life outside of you and there may be other things happening. Sit tight.
5. The uncomfy emotions that are boiling under the surface will pass. You don’t have to chase her and make sure she likes you every second of the day (even though your mind may be in that space). Chill for a second. Gather positive evidence (she called at x time, she made future plans the other day, she wants to see you, etc.)
6. Remember how amazing you are and what you bring to the table. When you’re so caught up in another person, your own beauty often gets put by the wayside. Don’t forget to follow up DOES SHE LIKE ME? with DO I LIKE HER? Please review your brilliant qualities that make you the wonderful, lovable, awesome person you are. Of course she would like you back. But if they don’t see all that you are the extent of your worth, you don’t want to be with her anyway.
7. If it’s truly making you crazypants to not know what your status is with this person, ask! It’s terrifying but you can do it! Write a script, rehearse what you want to say, and speak up. Knowing sooner than later is better than wasting your time pining. This could be your person and your hesitation might be delaying your unification. Conversely, she might not be your match and you’re prolonging finding the right one!

Moral of the story:

How to tell someone likes you back? You can’t. If you want to know, you can ask.

How to get someone to like you back? You can’t. Just remember that as much as you hope she likes you, make sure you like the actual person (not just the fantasy you’ve created).

When you’re wondering if you’re enough for your crush, don’t forget to reflect on whether she is enough for you, too!

Be yourself. If it turns into a “no”, remember that it’s really just a “not yet”. You’re awesome. The right person for you will be available for you at the perfect timing.

As for me and Maya:

I spoke up. We had our first date last week and it was wonderful. She’s an absolute heck yes to move forward. Fingers crossed.