Narcissists Gamble That You Won’t Leave Them
A story about my narc ex’s ex
Narcissists will intensely push their partner to leave the relationship, even if they don’t particularly want the relationship to end. The narcissist essentially dares the partner to leave.
Everything is a gamble that the narcissist expects to win, no matter how poor or unrealistic the odds are, and no matter what the narcissist truly wants to accomplish. Narcissists want to WIN, first and foremost.
Winning is always at the forefront of the narcissist’s mind, and ‘winning’ looks different depending on where the narcissist feels they are today on their self-created hierarchy.
Ultimately it is a power dynamic that the narcissist compulsively establishes to feed his/her grandiosity. Narcissists live moment-to-moment, unconcerned with long-term consequences. They must remain on top, even if they are destroying the relationship that they actually want. Their False Self (the distorted ego) comes above all else.
This is why the face and method of ‘winning’ change depending on what the narc needs to do to propel their ego and keep the endless power dynamic going.
Today, the narcissist’s idea of ‘winning’ may be:
- Getting away with their lies
- Shutting down an argument or a discussion without empathy or resolution
- Conning you out of your money
- Convincing you to provide services for them (rides, housecleaning, etc.)
- Seducing you
- Hurting your feelings
- Withholding their precious attention/affection
I am going to tell you a story about my ex’s ex. For the purpose of this article, we’ll call my ex, Dick.
Dick had 3 official girlfriends (that he will claim) in his whole life (and he is over 50 years old). I was number 3 (whoo, go me!) Entitled and grandiose, Dick the narcissist doesn’t want to be with just anybody. Dick deserves the best.
Naturally, Dick will sleep with just about anyone. There is a difference between what you do and what you admit to doing in the NPD world.
But to wear the title of girlfriend, you’d have to be super special (aka make him look better, offer up, and provide prime supply).
When I met Dick, he trashed his ex-girlfriend to me and anyone else who would listen. He angrily claimed that she used him for his money, went crazy, cheated on him, and left with another man. Which, low and behold, was hardly the case.
Here is the real story:
Her name was Sharon. She was a thirty-something-year-old pretty blond, who Dick had met in a bar. A twice-divorced single mother of 3 children, putting herself through nursing school, she was looking for love in all the wrong places. (Who can relate? ;) Dick took a seat next to her at the bar and charmed his way home with her that night.
In the idealization phase, narcissists are utterly infatuated with their target. In fact, they are hard to shake (at first). Love bombing commenced, and the two became a couple.
Dick was pushing 40 when Sharon became his 2nd official girlfriend in life. His claim to be inexperienced in love gave him almost a cute innocent appeal when he’d make mistakes. She fell in love and everything was grand, for a minute anyway.
The thing with narcissists is that they do not change. A tiger doesn’t change its stripes for anybody. It can’t.
Naturally, problems arose. Dick wanted to do whatever Dick wanted without concern for Sharon. Sharon was often left in awe and confusion but accepted Dick’s lies and alibis.
Until Dick’s power dynamic became too much. As Sharon tried to regain her traction and place herself as an equal in the relationship, Dick worked harder to affirm his grandiosity.
He did not want to be equal. He wanted to be above her, and felt she was meant to be his slave, who did, said, and believed everything he wanted her to. And she did, for a while.
But being that Sharon was a separate, thinking, feeling human being with her own needs, this dynamic did not last too long. The more Sharon began to notice the discrepancies between what Dick said and what Dick was doing, the more the conflict between the two arose.
If she would have just cast her feelings aside, shut up, and pretended not to notice, everything would have been fine. But Sharon wanted a healthy, mature, reciprocal relationship, so she addressed him with her concerns. Which naturally were met with lies, denial, minimizing, and blame-shifting.
A push/pull dynamic ensued.
Things would be amazing, then the rug would get pulled out from under her feet. Narcissists do this purposely to destabilize their victims and to compulsively keep the power dynamic. It’s their way of holding the cards; not letting anyone get one up on them.
The need for power and control (to assert their delusional superiority) is the hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder. This is what makes narcissists so abusive.
They will spit, step, and stomp on anyone who challenges the False Self.
The False Self is the narrative they tell themselves about who they are, and without it would be psychological death.
Sharon was focused on nursing school, her kids, and her relationship with Dick. She had her priorities straight.
She wasn’t stupid. She was confused, then totally bewildered…
Like everyone else who has been with a narcissist, she noticed her energies dwindling the more he played games. Addressing the issues like a mature adult did not get her anywhere with Dick. The more she tried, the more he avoided her.
Emotionally invested, Sharon decided to get to the bottom of this. What was going on with Dick?! Why had things gone from absolutely amazing to completely taxing and unstable? If he didn’t want to be with her, why didn’t he just go? If he did in fact love her why is he acting like this?!
All the usual questions…..
Narcissists give no answers.
Sharon started asking around. And Dick’s ‘friends’ sheepishly indicated that Dick had a drug problem.
So, Sharon confronts Dick. Quick to deny, Dick immediately starts trashing his so-called friends, insisting that they are all jealous of him, always have been and they don’t want him to be happy. He elaborates that everyone has a past and shouldn’t be judged for it.
Sharon, conflicted with her emotions, nagging suspicion, and wanting to believe Dick, agrees to be on Dick’s side.
Needless to say, nothing changes. In fact, things only get worse, as Dick takes control of Sharon’s mind.
Narcissistic abuse is insidious psychological abuse.
Dick finds the best way to remain grandiose and not fuck up his relationship with Sharon is by ‘working out of town’. So, Dick acquires a great-paying union job that requires extended travel. Dick is gone for several weeks to months at a time.
Look at Dick! He makes all this money! And has a hot girlfriend waiting for him at home! Way to go, Dick! People envy you!
The only problem is, Dick comes home with no money. Hmm. That’s hard to explain. But Dick certainly tries to lie his way out of this, blaming everyone else, making himself out to be the victim who did a bunch of work and got ripped off. But Sharon knows better. It is union. They paid him, and she knows it.
Her mind can only wonder where the money went because Dick will never admit it. The drugs, booze, casinos, and strip clubs he partook in, while she was home waiting for him and paying all the bills… absolutely insulting and heartbreaking. She is beside herself.
Before she knows it, he is gone again. The same situation transpires. Sharon becomes more aggressive in addressing this shit show, and Dick becomes more defensive and deflective.
This isn’t working. Sharon is a teary emotional wreck, who is also trying to care for 3 kids, work, and finish school, with the stress of wondering what the f Dick, the narcissist, is doing. She wonders if she is going crazy or what.
Meanwhile, Dick can blatantly care less. He’s sticking to his story. He stands behind his lies. And refuses to discuss this petty shit with his insane significant other any further. She has gone too far questioning his authority. Who does she think she is?!
When Dick feeds you lies, you eat them.
And shut the fuck up.
Sharon is emotionally invested. She loves Dick, but she feels that she is on losing ground in the battle between her head and her heart. She desperately needs to know what is going on. So, again, she inquires with a few of Dick’s friends…
Dick’s long-time friend, John, is tired of being Dick’s alibi. He’s just getting out of a divorce himself because his wife cheated on him and took custody of his 3 kids. John has genuine compassion for Sharon in this moment, and he spills: “Dick is a lying, cheating, crack-smoking alcoholic. You honestly deserve better.”
Shocked, Sharon digests this information. She continues to hear similar statements from Dick’s other associates.
Angrily, she confronts Dick, who pulls a full 180 and manipulates the shit out of her.
Dick hastily tries to say, “Oh come on, I did drugs in the past, how long are we going to go on about it?”
Sharon is not swayed and presses the issue.
So, then Dick angrily accuses her of ‘believing his so-called friends over him and judging him on his past’.
He shames her, tells her he loved her and thought she was different.
Now Sharon is really confused.
She wonders, are his friends just jealous and projecting their misery onto us?
That is plausible…
Sharon ultimately decides to stick by Dick’s side. Life goes on with some makeup sex and a renewed bond between them.
Yet, Dick is a narcissist….
It isn’t long before the shit storm ensues again.
Dick gets laid off from his big-money traveling union job. Home for the winter, collecting unemployment, Dick becomes increasingly controlling of Sharon.
He has a problem with every outfit she wears. He is jealous of her children, her studies, and her job. Dick starts to be a real dick around the house when they’re all there. Dick uses this ‘familial inadequacy’ as an excuse to leave and do the derelict things that Dick wants to do.
Then, one day, when the kids are all at school, and Dick is home alone… Sharon gets off work early.
With the garage door was left open, Sharon entered the house quietly.
She catches Dick smoking crack; red-handed with a crack pipe in his hand and the smoke blowing out of his face.
His eyes widen in absolute terror and disbelief. As do hers. She walks away without a word.
Hours later, when the drugs are gone, Dick panics. He does not want to be the ‘bad guy’. She is the shitty one!
Dick desperately calls and texts Sharon, begging her to speak to him, offering lies, and lame excuses.
He fears she is already out there talking shit! He looks bad now! This dumb bitch is going to dump him for being a crackhead & make him look bad. This is shameful; definitely not what Dick had in mind.
Sharon, in a hella state of cognitive dissonance, lovingly comes back to Dick. Armed with the knowledge that addiction is a disease, she purchases health insurance to get Dick into treatment. She resolves to stand by his side, as he visits substance abuse counselors, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists.
In typical narcissistic fashion, Dick decides Sharon is nuts, and he does not need any of this. So, when Sharon drops Dick off at his Narcotics Anonymous meetings, Dick goes right back out. When the psychiatrist prescribes his medicine, he hides it under the rug, like a child.
Dick refuses to actually do any of the things that he is supposed to be doing.
But he doesn’t come out and say this. He doesn’t flat-out refuse to do it- he just fakes it.
He strings Sharon along so that he still ‘wins’. He didn’t submit. He still gets the girl he is entitled to.
Dick gets off on duping her and everyone else.
People tell Dick how proud of him they are; how they always knew of his great potential. They are so happy to see him doing great! Go, Dick!
Dick eats this shit up.
So what if it isn’t true?! Irrelevant, in the narc’s mind.
Eventually, Sharon realizes that nothing changed with her narcissist. She finishes her schooling, becomes a registered nurse, works mad hours, and is full-speed ahead in her career.
Dick is viciously trying to triangulate Sharon with his female friend Sammi, who he is spending the majority of his time with. Because, honestly, Dick resents Sharon’s success. He needs to remind her that he is king, and he needs her attention more than those hospital patients do! What better way than to start spending all of his time with another woman?
Sharon discovers that Dick’s bestie, Sammi, is not only his oldest and dearest female friend but also a well-known, affluent, local drug dealer. Interesting. That really got Sharon’s attention.
Sharon cried, cursing the drugs that were killing Dick, and the horrible friends that were selling them to him! She contacted Sammi herself, told her what a horrible person she was, and told her to stay away from Dick.
Sammi replied with incredulous hostility, basically telling Sharon where to stick her concern. Things escalated…
Sharon was done.
She offered Dick an ultimatum: it’s Sammi and the drugs… or me. Not both. Either you are done with that, or you are done with me.
Well, this actually tickled Dick’s fancy, believe it or not, because narcissists live in a make-believe world. Narcissists are always ready to challenge a situation. They love the drama.
Believe it. That is about the only thing that keeps the narcissist ticking, is the pretend show they are having in their head at all times in which they are the star. It is pathological and it is sickening.
Dick didn’t take the deal and he wanted to keep playing. Sharon left. Not long after that, she met someone else. Her luck in life and love sent Dick into a narcissistic rage that caused trouble for all involved, up until Sharon filed a restraining order against Dick.
Dick just could not conceive how Sharon had had enough. He practically begged her to break up with him. For 3 years, he kept pushing for it. No matter what she did, no matter how loving she was, or how much she persevered, he took advantage and utterly ruined every chance he had.
All in the name of narcissism, ego, grandiosity….
Not much of a win, if you ask me.
Thanks for reading!