Narcissistic Parents and the Burden of Never Getting Approval

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

The thing about narcissism is that a person that has it may desperately want to be a good person. They may desperately want to be viewed as honorable, as noble, as the kind of person that is seen by the community as someone to be admired. That really is the crux of it and often if they can’t achieve that adoration through their own means then they will instead aim for power. If they can’t have adoration, they will settle for fear.

The worse part of it all is that there is a genuine good person in there that was so damaged by the things that they were exposed to growing up that it twisted their perception and created these defenses which always puts them in a spot where they really stand no chance of achieving that adoration they are looking for and seldom will they get the chance to have unchecked power so they sustain defeat after defeat unable to achieve that which they desperately need — that which would validate them and see them elevated in the eyes of those very people that set them up for this horrific life in the first place.

Time and time again I have seen it where the narcissist is so in step with their narcissistic parent that they will literally throw away the best people in their life and blow the best opportunities simply for fear of disapproval. They literally eat sleep and breathe for that approval from that parent well into adulthood. They are the epitome of brainwashed.

The opinion of that parent is so important to that individual that the thought of disapproval can literally be paralyzing and that thought itself can bring about a deep depression. The sad part is that they will never get to that place of having the approval and love they are seeking because that parent stands to lose if they give it.

That is the way they feel. Its’ the same reason why they are unable to apologize and unable to admit to doing anything wrong. It’s because it would be releasing some power and control to their child. They simply will not do this.

They need that child in that subservient position for their entire life and they will even sabotage that child to keep them there. They often are the masters at the set up to fall and then shame and blame the child for doing so. It cripples their ability to take risks and it actually can drill into them a fear of success.

This is when you’ll see a narcissist almost succeeding at something suddenly to pull out all efforts and focus on something unrelated that they declare to be critical. Sometimes they’ll go so far as to setup the conditions to make that distraction happen and when they do, they will be consumed by it.

At that point when they get fired, kicked out of their group, or drop out of school, they will look for some external reason as to why it happened.

They will look for a scapegoat they can pile it all on to. This is because they cannot face the shame of failure even though they did nothing to prevent it and even did things which ensured it.

You will see this pattern repeat over and over and it will be as the stakes ramp up and as they get closer to actually succeeding — suddenly they will create some type of self-sabotaging issue which inevitably will cause them to break down and fall apart.

Why? Because they are still trying to achieve that point where they get adoration from their parent and love — but the closer you get to your goal the more afraid of it you become.

They are afraid of failing once they attain it and then having no way to explain why they failed and then the ultimate shame which they carry from childhood will be put back on them from that parent in adulthood. That is the equivalent of death in their minds.

If the narcissist wants to be free — they need to shed that need for parental approval and to stop fearing disapproval. To do that, they treatment and a professional because chances are they are unaware that they are in a cycle like this and they are doomed to repeat over and over again.