Narcissism: How to Heal in the Aftermath Part IV — Boundaries
Many survivors first hear of the concept of boundaries much later than the average person, who not so coincidentally never seem to find themselves stuck in these abusive situations. ‘Boundaries?’ Some will repeat it back to you and some like myself, will need to go and read up to learn what a healthy boundary looks like.
I’ve had some survivors comment to me that boundaries won’t make a difference because the truly toxic will erode them slowly and in way that goes unnoticed until it’s too late. I say this is scapegoating and not taking accountability for one's own actions/or lack of actions in preventing the steamrolling.
How Do you Prevent The Subtle Erosion of Boundaries?
The answer to this question is quite simple but it’s one that many survivors don’t like to hear. You don’t have boundaries in place for when you start dating. You have the gates wide open. It’s all there for anyone to see. If you let a person in close to your personal life quickly then you are leaving yourself exposed to boundary erosion.
When you first start dating someone you have to resist your own urges to jump into the relationship. The reason why they take things so fast is because you let them. You are excited and happy, it feels good to be around them and have them lavish so much attention onto you that you don’t stop and think that — well after one night we slept together and then I had them over every night all week to watch movies etc. So for the first week we spent all that time at my place and then they brought a morning bag with a change of clothes etc., then their car broke down so Ient them mine as I had the next week off anyway, and on it goes.
You give that person the trust and the accessibility to you life as though you had been married for 20 years. That is a horribly weak boundary and one that in one way or another, we can all understand and relate to.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries.
Here are a couple of ideas for the first few weeks that will help you establish control over the tempo:
➼ The first date, meet the person at the restaurant and after the date leave by yourself and go home.
➼ Do not plan a second date until the following week.
➼ Don’t be available on your phone for texting or chatting all the time. Make sure you don’t live and breathe that phone in case they text.
➼ Don’t change your habits because of someone new in your life. It’ll help to ensure a grounding point as whether or not things are moving too fast.
➼Always meet them at the place that you are dating and always leave alone in that first couple to few weeks.
These steps all help you ensure that you keep control of the pace and that you control their access to your life.
Most abusers and toxic people will lose patience and they will be trying to rush the relationship to get that initial bond in place. The fact that you control the speed and the tempo of the relationship and that you won’t let them invade into your space will be enough to have them looking elsewhere and then moving on. Although this may seem counterintuitive to the purpose of dating, it is a process very much worth enduring in order to avoid the devastating and one sided destructive end of a narcissistic relationship.
Whenever you get that uneasy feeling when someone says they are going to do something, or because they have already done it? That is your cue that one of your boundaries was just run over. Often we rationalize and give in because we are uncertain why we feel bothered.
Make sure you know what your boundaries are and that you’re clear on them in your own mind as they should be the bare minimum that you’ll accept. Figure out those minimums and stick to them.
When someone rolls over a boundary — don’t just rationalize it away by saying that relationships are give and take. Take back that ground and instruct them that continuing to do so is a deal breaker for you. They have to respect your wishes if they want to be with you and your boundaries are your bare minimum remember — so the boundaries must stay in place and they must respect them.
As time moves on you can give up some of the ground but make sure its a proactive thought not reactive to their reactions. Never accept a boundary violation because its already been done. No, take it back and make them aware that you won’t put up with it.
Toxic people don’t like to be told no. If you hold your ground they will move on and you will be free to find a healthy relationship. Moving slow also prevents you from getting attached prematurely and sucked into that cycle of abuse we all abhor so much.
Homework: Spend some time thinking of your bare minimums. The things you don’t want to bend on and the minimum way that you expect to be treated in order for someone to be in your life. Get to know these and stick to them. Then you’ll start to see these toxic people disappear from your life.