SATIRE

Name’s Captain Dildo

— of the New Hampshire Dildos

I am Captain Dildo

Go ahead.

Search me on your Google or whatever and you’d probably get a bunch of pictures of lady —

SEX — toys. Sorry. Saul — my first mate — is reading over my shoulder and reminding me I need to be more sensitive.

I actually come from a long line of New Hampshire Dildos. No, we did not make a fortune in the sex toy industry. We have been in the fishing industry for decades.

I wouldn’t know about those types of toys in particular. I did have one — just a bunch of balls with a rope through it.

Say it again. Everybody else does.

DILDO.

Do you know how many dildos I’ve gotten in the mail? That’s why I got off Instagram. Turned out the one thing that was supposed to help me with my business, ended up hurting my business.

People would track me down based on where I was posting from and I’d get to port and have packages of dildos waiting for me.

When my crew pulled into a particular port — which will not be named or sullied by my presence — there was a great DONG DONG DONG that signaled a crowd of people to the dock. They had presented me with a whole box of dildos.

There are people who get keys to cities — I get dildos.

At first, they’d treated me like all I’ve captained were double-enders — like a square peg in a round hole. They know I have more experience than all of them combined.

After the first dildo meme hit big, the ice in the boat hold was peppered with pink and blue and black and big and small and fisted—

One time, I got to Port Salerno in Florida and saw a 6-foot inflatable penis just strapped on the dock, whippin’ in the wind — waiting for me.

Now, I have to sift through our haul for dildos. I can’t exactly make my crew do it — ‘Make sure you’re gettin’ your hands on them dildos, mates!’

Do you know how slippery those suckers can get? Slippin’ and slidin’ around with the fish — you grab one end and it pops out the top of your hand —

But, I am thankfully retiring at the end of this season. I took all the guff I was getting and leaned into it.

Saul — who’s always had my best interests at heart — called it ‘rebranding.’ He assured me this was the best way to get back at all the dildo-slinging haters.

Next year, I will be launching Captain Dildo brand fish sticks and — dildos with my face — NOOO, I’m not that stupid. HA! LOL.

They will be dildos shaped like different types of fish — with my name on them, of course.

Do you want more? Click here — no — HERE.