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Abstract

But I learned to forgive. I learned to practise empathy and understand the 7-year-old, I knew she hadn’t intended to hurt Betsy. We never told her that Besty died but I am sure she would have been mortified and filled with remorse for a long time. That idea of empathy, the understanding that people have different values, priorities or ethics and behave in different ways has always helped me to forgive. I did not believe in carrying grudges, life was too short to be resentful.</p><p id="b8f5" type="7">That same idea of empathy and forgiveness was also the reason I stayed in abusive relationships</p><h2 id="1ccb">Abusers use forgiveness against you</h2><p id="ff7a"><i>“You are not being fair, people make mistakes!” “Come on, that was ages ago, have you still not forgiven me?” “I said I was sorry, what more do you want?”</i></p><p id="3167">These are some of the things my ex would say when I got upset about his behaviour. When you are in an abusive relationship, the concept of forgiveness can quickly become a weapon the abuser uses to keep you trapped. The idea that you must forgive them is like permission to continue with the abuse. Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with over 2000 abusive men writes:</p><p id="7386" type="7">“My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more.” (Why Does He Do That? p. 217)</p><h2 id="f5de">Forgiveness requires remorse</h2><p id="9234">I always thought forgiveness was unconditional. Although I am not religious, I was brought up going to church and reading the bible. The concept of forgiveness I had was influenced by the phrases and sermons I had picked up at a young age. <i>“Bear with each other and <b>forgive</b> one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. <b>Forgive</b> as the Lord forgave you.” </i>I thought it meant that you have to forgive everyone and anyone no matter what they had done. But there is one point I never knew: This idea of forgiveness is based on the assumption that the person I am forgiving shows remorse.</p><p id="c92b" type="7">Overlooked in common Christian understanding of forgiveness is the necessary part of repentance by the wrongdoer. John McKinley</p><p id="d22c">One of the most difficult concepts to understand after <a href="https://readmedium.com/13-signs-i-dated-a-narcissist-44d1db6ee3e4">my relationship with a narcissist</a> was that there are people who are incapable of feelin

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g remorse. He never apologised or cared about what happened to me. When he left, it was as if he had turned off a switch, his new victim was all that mattered and I never existed. Part of me was hoping for a long time that I would receive an apology. But I know that it will not happen. Although I understand now <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-a-narcissist-prepares-you-for-the-abuse-6383e7c92873">how abusive he was</a>, in his mind, he has done nothing wrong. <i>He does not seek forgiveness.</i></p><h2 id="5d37">Forgive yourself</h2><p id="46a4">I don’t think I need to forgive him to lead a happier and healthier life. I do not believe that forgiveness is part of the healing process unless it is directed at myself. <i>Forgiving yourself is key</i>.</p><p id="7171">Forgive yourself for not seeing it, for staying longer than you should have. Forgive yourself for moments you were weak and for moments when you might feel week again. Forgive yourself for ways you have behaved or things you have said. Forgive yourself for all the things you feel remorse over. Forgive yourself for never being able to forgive those that show no remorse.</p><h2 id="2210">More from Kara Summers:</h2><div id="b84b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-feel-like-you-are-constantly-upsetting-your-partner-b1e9f5fcd6df"> <div> <div> <h2>Do You Feel Like You Are Constantly Upsetting Your Partner?</h2> <div><h3>Make sure you aren’t the one who is the real victim.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*7hsqJBnmFY3IjI7k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="fc43" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-toxic-relationship-ffb487a213ec"> <div> <div> <h2>A Day in the Life of a Toxic Relationship</h2> <div><h3>Many don’t recognise narcissistic abuse when they are caught in the middle.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*ul7zBaj8k26PDM4k)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Mystery Cove

Chapter 3: And We’re Off

Finally, Tuesday came. Ellie had their bags packed since Sunday night. The couple woke up early. A quick breakfast of tea and toast and they were ready to go by 6:30 am.

They put Leo in the cat carrier and put Mia’s harness on her. Both pets would be staying at Ellie’s parents’ house. Mia’s mother, father, and one of her sisters were there as well. She loved to visit with them. As soon as she saw the harness her dance of happiness started.

“Be still Mia.” Ben laughed as he buckled her in. “I know you’re excited to go to Nana’s.”

There was a knock at the front door. “Morning Louis,” Ellie said as she welcomed their guest.

I was Ben’s younger brother, he would be house-sitting for them while they were away. His Aunt would be there as well later in the day to help out as well. “Good morning sis,” he replied with a smile. “Ahh, you guys aren’t leaving the kids here.” He seemed very disappointed.

“Mia would never forgive us if we didn’t take her over to Nana’s.” Ben laughed.

“Well, at least leave me with Leo.” He opened the carrier and pulled Leo out and hugged him gently. “Come on bro, I will take good care of him. You know how bad I want a cat of my own.”

“Would you like to stay with Uncle Louie?” Ben scratched the cat’s ears and glanced over at Ellie who nodded yes and smiled.

Leo stretched out as Louis set him down. Then quickly headed to his cat perch by the window.

“Yess! We are going to have the best time.” He walked over to the reclined and content cat, petting till he purred loudly.

After a quick chat, Ben gave Louis the keys and list of care instructions for Leo.

Another knock at the door. Mia knew who it was even before it was open. She danced and barked and pranced and wiggled.

“Morning Dad.” Ellie smiled as Mia showed off. It was her father Trevor Barnett.

“Morning old bean.” Her father said with his thick British brogue. He kissed her forehead and then immediately knelt down to pet Mia. “How are you this morning Mr. Barnett,” Ben asked when he saw his father-in-law.

“Doing great son, we just laid the foundation for the cabin.” He stood.

“Nice to see you again Mr. Barnett.” Louis reached to shake his hand.

“Good to see you again too, my boy. How’s that grandfather of yours?” The older man asked.

“Haha, ornery as ever. He was telling me about the plans you guys have for the cabins over breakfast this morning.” Lois replied.

“Speaking of breakfast, I really must dash. Your mother had ours cooking when I left. And I’m not the type of man to let my bacon and eggs get cold.” He leaned forward hugged his daughter then Ben. “You two be safe and enjoy your trip.”

He stepped back and took Mia’s lead. “Louie tell your grandfather I will call him later. And you two,” He pointed back and forth to Ellie and Ben.” You are to call us when you land and when you arrive at your bungalow.”

“Yes sir.” They both saluted the retired sailor.

“Good show. Also, I will be expecting postcards and at least one package of those delicious ChocoDragon chocolate bars, the bars not the hearts. Damn fine chocolates they are.” He put a $100 bill in Ellie’s hand. “Don’t tell you, mother.” He whispered.

She laughed. Her dad was very devoted to his sweet tooth.

“Don’t worry Dad, we will make sure your package is in the mail tomorrow,” Ben said with a grin.

“Good man. Now Mia let’s go. Nana is waiting.” Mia sprung to her feet wagging her tail so hard her fluffy little butt wiggle side to side.

Ellie gave him her bag and they were off. “You kids take care.” He said as he closed the door.

“Our turn dear,” Ben said as he picked up three of their bags, Ellie took her carry-on and purse.

Louis helped by taking the suitcase to the car. “Have a safe trip Bro.” He hugged his brother after putting the cases in the trunk. “Make sure he doesn’t get into too much trouble.” He laughed as he called Ellie who was getting in the car.

“Always,” she smiled. “And thanks for looking after the house and Leo. Thank Aunt Yani for me too.”

“Will do sis, call me when you get there.” He told Ben. “We will. Oh and check the fridge we got half a pizza left in there from last night.” He grinned.

“Gino’s?” Louis perked up

“Where else?”

“Have a safe trip, miss you guys, see you when you get back byeeeeee.” He said over his shoulder as he ran back to the house. “You told him about Gino’s?” Ellie laughed.

“Haha, how could you tell?” They had to chuckle at this. Nothing put Louis on the move quicker than food.

it didn’t take long to arrive at the airport and board Ben’s plane. It was cold and partly cloudy but good flying weather. The flight was smooth and made good time.

Mr. Cardington was there in his private hanger at the intercontinental airport when they landed. Ben was going to keep his plane there till they returned. He gave them the keys to the bungalow, a list of directions, and wished them well.

Arriving seven and a half hours later in Cardiff it was already late. They checked in with everyone and settled down at a quaint little inn for the night.

Rising early the next day for the nearly 5-hour drive to Cavendish Cove. First stopping to purchase and mail Mr. Barnett’s much-beloved chocolates to him. Overnight delivery of course.

At last, they were on their way to the lovely little bungalow. Both were looking forward to it.