My Worst Anxiety, Is Perhaps Connected To My Childhood Trauma
It has its pros and cons but overall it has served me well in life.
I have never really told anyone about this, and this is the first time I’m opening about my biggest fear. Perhaps the only fear that still remains to this day. We all fear something, it is a natural response. But there is something in my life that really caused me anxiety — something I believe has become a part of myself since my childhood.
It has to do with perhaps what I perceived as a child. I remember the event very clearly, this was perhaps when I was 10. It happened or formulated when I was sitting with my grandfather. I was really close to him. He loved and took care of me a lot. I was fond of him and would spend my time always in his company. His words and stories perhaps built a lot many things in my character that I’m really proud of.
The last evening that I spent with him, he told me that he has to rest and he will see me during dinner. After I came outside, he just stopped breathing when my mother tried to ask him if he wanted something to eat. By the time the ambulance had reached, my grandfather had already passed away. This put me in a sudden shock and I was unable to get away from the emotional imbalance that was going to affect me, afterward.
Tears flowed as I kept trying to wake him up, futile efforts. My grandfather’s words are singed in my memory — that entire evening is. It has been two decades, since that unfateful day. I miss him a lot, and we all do. The entire scenes that followed put me in a lot of trauma, I was fairly young then. So whatever you experience in that age becomes a part of you.
I believe this behavior of waking up in the night and checking everyone whether they were breathing okay or not all started during that. This was my anxiety trigger. I would every now and then in the night time during perhaps even midnight when everybody would be asleep come by near their rooms, and see them if they were breathing properly.
Imagine a kid, perhaps fairly 10 to 12 years old anxious about the people in his life wakes up every night to see if his loved ones are alive or not. It is perhaps was prevalent, even when I was living away from home in my dorm. I would always in the nights stay awake and check up on everybody whether they would need anything or not.
This habit slowly transformed into a characteristic where I would not only watch at times but even touch them and ask something, waking them up. I would even startle sometimes my loved ones when they would sleep. As I grew this anxiety became less known, through the years but still to this day, I still walk around my parents or the guest room to check up on the breathing patterns of people whether they are breathing all right or not.
I have never slept a single night when an elder was living with us. The thought of losing someone like that perhaps triggered insomnia and added more anxiety into the mix. Though it wouldn’t affect my daily life it would affect my mental health. But through exercise and keeping my fears in check I would always be able to bounce back with ease.
Over the years, this habit of waking up and checking others gave me a sense of purpose as well. I have been able to avert three suicides when I was away, where one friend tried to commit suicide, by drinking acid. I got to him in time and took him to the hospital in time and he survived. I can’t really call this an extreme case of anxiety but in pressurized situations, I am usually steadfast and strong. This anxiety built three fundamental things in me, that I believe are worth sharing.
Cautiousness
Because of the trauma and the mental blow, I became really cautious and paid extra attention to my surroundings. I would also try to anticipate my behavior and the behavior of my peers. I would check up on them often to see whether they were doing okay or not.
Being aware of what happens around you and inside you — that is the essence of cautiousness through anxiety.
Becoming cautious through this anxiety helped me to avert many a crisis that arose over the years. Though the insomnia is a pain to deal with I fixed that too with filling it with productive activities, like writing poetry, software programs and projects, and vice-versa.
Through my anxiety, I was able to also avert many crises in my life as well such as being cautious while I drove my motorbike, but overall it has helped a lot in all walks of life.
Trust your gut, it never lies.
There have been many instincts where I was able to harness the potential of anxiety to my advantage such as averting near proximity and close range accidents and thus was saved by the “anxious” bell.
Courage
I believe courage is something that I truly admire which I received through my anxiety. There have been times of anxiety, I was able to rush towards danger because I knew that I could persist through the tough situation and perhaps save a day.
Anxiety kept my blood pumping, I think there is another aspect related to anxiety and that is courage. You can definitely become courageous when you use the rush anxiety that gives you and dissipating it in the right manner.
Either it’s my personality or character that influences courage in anxious situations or it can be my experience towards such situations. I always pay attention to what’s going on and thus I’m able to make change happen very swiftly. As courage is perhaps, the most admirable quality that you can polish from your anxiety.
Courteousness
When you’re anxious you tend to frame your words in a thousand different ways before letting them out of your mouth. You envision a thousand different reactions it might have on someone and then you say what’s on your mind. Most of the time, you might not even say anything — staying silent.
My anxiety has taught me to take care of others because of the fear of losing them used to cripple me a lot as a child. But as I grew up, and got older — It got better with age. Now I don’t get the negative aspect that much, but still, in some ways or conversations, it does get triggered.
I have gotten used to it, so it isn’t shown on my face. It’s an internal feeling. One thing anxiety has influenced is teaching me to become much well mannered in life, in times even when the other person might be consistently yelling. I stay calm and patient. I don’t even worry one bit. It has pissed a lot of people, too over the years. Even courteousness can backfire to the, look at me while I’m talking kind of people, thus have to be extra careful about it at times.
Conclusion
Anxiety has influenced me in many ways over the years, it is an ongoing struggle and battle. Now when I have experienced symptoms of severe depression, the mental barriers that used to block my anxiety have reopened through the medications, and my days seem like literal nightmares. But I am trying to persevere through it.
I have only one piece of advice, breathe deeply when it happens. It will help you relax, and perhaps even might remove it altogether. I write my anxiety a thousand times, and most of the times it disappears until the next trigger.
Thank you for reading.
Stay Blessed and Stay Safe!
With Love ❤️
