My Work/Life Training at Home
Every free lesson is a blessing
Once at a corporate leadership conference, one executive said that we could hone our skills by practicing at home. Indeed, I have realized that the workplace is not the only place for learning and development. There are some free lessons at home, especially from parenting.
Look at what happened with my kids’ piano practice, which was often a struggle at our house. “Time to play piano!” I can’t help shouting out in the evening, but that often fell on deaf ears. Why not delegate, I figured. I gave instructions to Daughter, “Take the lead to practice, be a role model to your brother.” She replied: “This doesn’t help. I have leadership, but he has no followership!” Yup, it’s not easy to lead without someone to follow. Leadership and followership truly complement each other, at home, and at work.
Once my son was making a birthday card for his friend. He just started elementary school. He wanted his sister to help draw some stuff (to show off?). But somehow Daughter didn’t like the idea. Son was quite upset and started whining. “What should he do so you can help him out?” I asked Daughter. “Stop whining.” Hearing this, Son cried harder: “How could I stop (whining) if she does not help me?” All right, now we had a chicken-egg problem. Finally, I convinced him to stop crying and simply ask for help. He did. Mission accomplished. It seems a lot easier when we just focus on what needs to get done.
Eating well and establishing healthy habits is something I preach, and I try to set the rule for the family. When I told Daughter to hurry up and finish breakfast or risk being late, she said, “Mom, you told me to chew 20 times.” When it came to grocery shopping, I would be upset if I found out that Dad bought junk food. “But kids want it” was his reasoning. And I saw Son immediately give Dad a big hug. Life is not fair, you have to admit. Their candy craving? I turned to books for help. When I came across a list of junk food that included candy in a family nutrition book, I asked Daughter to read it. “Mom, nobody can live a life without candy,” she told me.
But my nagging about healthy eating seems to have gotten some attention after all. And I had proof, a birthday gift to me from Son. It was two hand-written coupons, for me to use on him: “1: Have to have vegetables only for dinner, no meat, one use only. Disclaimer: excluding parties.” “2: same as above.” I know, influencing culture takes time.
Occasionally I put myself in their shoes and had small wins. Once during a family vacation, I suggested that kids get some candy rolls at a store. Hearing that, they beamed - usually I am not a candy advocate. Soon after this, we heard this conversation from the back seats of the car: “Who is the best, Mom or Dad?” “Oh, Dad plays with us more.” Oh, I need to catch up after being buried in year-long Tasking Forces at work, I thought. “But Mom just bought us some candy rolls.” Conclusion? “So both mom and dad are the best.” I can’t help smiling: guidelines don’t have to be set in stone, and small wins count. Let’s not forget about that at work. Celebrate more!
My daughter once said to me: “Mom, I know one secret of happiness.” “What is it?” “One secret of happiness is curiosity. Life is full of curiosity.” Nicely put, certainly true when it comes to my work. A curious mind would help me be a good detective when diagnosing the root cause of failures. And that goes beyond work.
Words from Daughter can truly get me by surprise at times. I recall once we were playing a family game of Connect 4. And Son lost. He regretted the step he just took, saying it should not be counted. “Making mistakes is a part of life,” Daughter told him. Better said than me.
Parenting is not always this easy though. When I asked Daughter to clean up her room, she responded: “Let kids be kids”. When I told Son to study and work hard, he replied, “it’s not the law.” I’d previously thought about signing them up for the school debate team; now I had second thoughts. Perhaps I am the one who should get debate training.
Sometimes kids do ask for permission. There was a time we were on a road trip and Dad was driving. “Daddy, may I have this lollipop?” Son asked. “No”, “Well, I already licked it”. “Why you ask for permission after you already did it?” Then Daughter chimed in: “That’s the only way to get parents to agree to something.”
Seriously, I often felt I was behind when it came to parenting. Gradually I came to terms with the reality that life is a seesaw, and all we can do is to attempt the dynamic balance and not fall off.
Of course, kids are not the only ones who have offered me free training. When things got tough at work and I had second thoughts, Husband would tell me: “You will do just fine.” Somehow it reminded me of the famous line — “Women can hold up half the sky”. Obviously, Husband is a firm believer in that. Sheryl Sandberg advised women to partner with the right person, as marriage is also a career decision. Just be careful what you wish for.
After receiving all the training at home, I had to give back.
It was around the time Son started 2nd Grade. He was working on a poster in order to share with his class during “Star of the Week”. One question on the poster: what do you want to be when you grow up? “Well, I like to play games on computer.” But that’s hardly a profession. “How about becoming an engineer and writing programs for computer games?” “No, that is too hard. I just want to play on computer.” “Well, if you can write programs, you could make the games more fun.” “OK, an engineer then”. A few days later, after sharing his poster at school, he brought back his “Star of the Week” notebook with pages of comments from his classmates. One of them asked: “Why do you want to become an [engner]?” “How did you answer?” I asked Son. “Because my Dad and Mom are!”
Of course, giving back goes beyond kids. Husband was volunteering as a math teacher on weekends for a few years. I sat in a couple of times at the beginning of his venture. After watching him teach for about 10 minutes, I observed a few areas he could improve and couldn’t help but offer free coaching:
“You speak too fast. You need to slow down so the kids can follow”
“You need to improve your interaction with the kids by asking questions”
“Call them to the front to do practice problems on the whiteboard to encourage participation”
…
I’d say that the above constructive feedback seemed to have worked. And I gave myself credit when enrollment in his class increased.
Training goes both ways after all.
Thank you for reading. I write about culture, work-life learning, and the ancient wisdom of Traditional Chinese Medicine for better living. Click here if you would like to be notified when I publish.