My wife of two years had sex with her friend for six months while we were dating. I’m now stuck on a group vacation with him…
I’m holed up in my room in a ski chalet while everyone in our group is still in the village. I’m a little drunk and feeling extremely fucked up about this situation right now.
My wife “Suzanne” and I met online four years ago. We’d both had some bad relationships, and we both wanted something serious.
Early on, she told me that she was tired of guys bailing after the relationship turned physical and wanted to wait on that front, which I was not just okay with but thought was clever.
[ I also think it is bright. Sex creates emotions that would not otherwise exist and can complicate the dynamic of the relationship. It can lead to relationships lasting longer than they should.]
My most successful relationship before her was with someone with whom we waited a few months, and I appreciated getting to build a friendship to see if we clicked on an emotional level.
[Makes sense to me! Prioritizing sex in a relationship is unnecessary. You’re potentially going to be with this person for the rest of your life; you will have sex eventually.]
Suzanne also told me she understood if I still wanted to date around that time and didn’t expect me to be exclusive until we both explicitly agreed. I told her I was serious about making it work with one person.
Up until last night, I thought that she had felt the same — she never once mentioned seeing other people while we were dating, and based on the way she talked about wanting to build an emotional connection, I assumed (dumbly, I guess?) that she was only seeing me.
[You weren’t “dumb” to assume this. She purposely withheld this information from you because she knew it could disrupt your relationship.]
Now, we’re on this trip with three other couples and her friend Josh.
I’ve always liked him, and we have had long conversations about smoking weed, life, and work (we’re both in tech). I’ve always gotten the vibe that he’s a kind, caring person who goes out of his way to help his friends. He’s a big advocate for people doing therapy and openly discusses his work.
This is where it gets upsetting for me.
Last night, we got back from skiing, and we were all exhausted. I went downstairs to start chopping veggies to help another couple cook the group dinner. Suzanne took a shower, and I chopped and chatted for about 30 minutes. I returned upstairs to bring Suzanne some wine and heard her and Josh chatting in our room — no big deal. I walked in, and Suzanne was in a towel with her leg on the bed, putting on lotion and talking about her job.
[This is insane]
It wasn’t precisely a compromising position, but it struck me as possibly intimate — if she moved a bit one way or another, she’d be giving him a view. She said hi, put on lotion, and grabbed the wine — nonchalantly.
Josh said it was his turn to shower and left.
Sitting here now, I wish to god that I’d just kept my fucking mouth shut. But I said it was surprising that she was putting lotion on, dressed only in a towel, with Josh in the room. She said she didn’t realize it because she was caught up in her story and went on autopilot.
I’ve always known her to be self-conscious — she wears swimsuits that cover much of her skin because she doesn’t like to feel gawked at.
So I was getting the tingles in the back of my brain that something was off.
I said something like, “You’re usually so quick to cover up around people,” and she said, “I guess I just know Josh so well that it didn’t register.” When she said that, there was just something…abrasive? Annoyed? It came out more sharply than I would have expected. I should have dropped it, but I was two glasses of wine in myself and said, “Whoa, did I strike a nerve?” She said, “Let’s just go eat,” but she was now clearly agitated and making a fake smile. At this point, I could feel my stomach get a little queasy and, like I was heading toward a world of pain.
I shut the door and said I could tell something was wrong. She said I needed to trust her and that nothing was happening between her and Josh. I never imagined or implied that there was, so it was weird that she felt she had to make that clear. I felt gross and suspicious, so I said, “I can tell you’re uncomfortable right now; either you tell me what’s up, or I go ask Josh.”
What happened next was the most uncomfortable hour of my life. I need more scotch for this.
She said that she and Josh had a sexual history and that it wasn’t any of my business.
[You should break up. I know you’re a few years into this relationship, but this attitude is disgusting and will only lead to future problems.]
I said that since he’s still in our lives, I deserve to know the context. She said there was no context other than he was someone she felt safe with when she wasn’t partnered, and they would have sex now and then. I asked when they last slept together, and she danced around it before saying, “Before you and I were exclusive.”
I said that was a fuzzy answer because I was exclusive with her from our first date.
She said that she never had sex with him after the two of us had sex. I asked if she had sex with him during the six months between our first date and when we had sex, and she said she had. I instantly felt like throwing up and started yelling a bunch of shit I don’t remember. She just had the most pissed-off and disgusted look on her face the whole time. I finally calmed down and asked her to please give me the entire story, timelines, etc.
She wasn’t fully open, and I had to keep digging to get more information. It was a very nonlinear conversation, but here’s what I pieced together.
About ten years ago, Suzanne’s friend “Rose” (now 40F, also on this trip with us) had gotten out of a string of short, disappointing relationships. Rose started having sex with Josh regularly in an FWB kind of way while still hitting the apps. The arrangement with Josh made it easier for her to forego sex in her dating life, which she found helpful for vetting guys to see if they were severe. Eventually, she did find the man she is still married to, “Eric” (38M). Seeing Rose’s success, two other friends got into the same arrangement with Josh and found some serious guys.
A modern fucking miracle! How about that!
Suzanne said she talked to Josh about trying it, and he was “super good about boundaries” and “making sure the focus was on her finding a long-term partner.” He even gave her advice about guys she was seeing. I said, “So you would go on dates with me, I’d drop you off, give you a kiss on the cheek, you’d go fuck Josh, and then talk about our relationship?” She said that was a crass way of putting it and that he was “so supportive” and made it easier for her and me to focus on “what matters more.”
[Even I feel sick now. It’s not a crass way of putting it. It’s just accurate]
I stayed on the hide-a-bed and told people I was sick and couldn’t ski today. I’ve just been sipping Macallan 12 and writing this in between naps. Feelings I’m having right now: Sadness, betrayal, jealousy, inferiority, drunk, more sad, and notes of pissed off and wanting to flee. But we are in fucking Canada, and I don’t even know the quickest way to get back home.
Do I try to work this out? Do I run? Do I even have a reason to be upset? The drunker I get, the less angry I get, and I can see her side of it more easily.
My wife was banging her friend instead of me when we started dating, she claims, because it helped her not to have sex too early in a relationship. We are on a ski trip with a friend, and I want to run away from my life.
I hear you, bud.
This is a shitshow.
If I were you, I would end the relationship and not look back for three reasons.
She wasn’t honest with you at the beginning.
She wasn’t forthcoming with the information when you requested it
She not only dismissed your feelings when you were upset but she was annoyed that you were annoyed!
That might be four reasons, but regardless, you should need to be with someone honest.
Honesty is the bare minimum in a relationship.
Honesty doesn’t mean just telling you the truth but also being forthcoming and not hiding the truth. Ask yourself if you can trust her again after this.
These are grounds for annulment in my books. She withheld pertinent information from you before the marriage. Information that would have influenced your decision to get married to her.
End the marriage and move on. It will only get worse.
