My wife is thinking of a divorce!

It’s about my top-10 movie choices!

Should I give her one? A divorce that is. I have a sneaky feeling the Judge would dismiss her case based on poor judgment.

She thinks I’m a wonderfully attentive husband and father, and as I cook 99.7% of all family meals, it’s created a small dilemma for her.

Who would cook if we divorced?

Her only reason for requesting a divorce is my top 10 movie selection. She said – “what lunatic would pick that pile of crap”!

I’m apparently unhinged! Personally, I quite like my hinges!

I’ve been ensconced on the couch ever since I ‘Released’ my top 10 movie list. I simultaneously released my top 10 ‘lookers’. She wasn’t on either list. Movies she expected, but I’m sure she thought she’d get the nod for ‘Lookers’.

She says it’s the movie list that did it – I’m not so sure, I’ve seen enough Oscar losers to detect hidden disappointment.

I did ask to see her list or if I was on it – I may get an answer one day.

My advice – don’t do top 10 lists to pass the time, with your partner. It’s not a game you can win! Stick to monopoly. Russian Roulette is preferable – It’s quicker and more clear-cut. Top 10 is a total setup – your top ten beautiful people have to include your current partner – who knew!

How can my wife compare with either Timothée Chalamet or Liza Soberano? I could lie I guess …! I’m apparently ‘morally bankrupt’.

My top 10 movies of all time are (in no particular order):

Bird Cage – Robin Williams

Pink Panther – all of Peter Sellers and Steve Martin’s first movie – Steve gets in for the Haambuuurger scene;

Dumb & Dumber;

As Good as it Gets;

Nacho LIBRE;

Talladega Nights;

The War of the Roses;

Austin Powers – all;

Analyze That – all;

One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest;

Caddy shack;

City Slickers;

The Blues Brothers; and

A toss-up between Ferris Bueller’s Day off and The Producers.

Yes I know it’s more than 10 – but it’s my list!

Unless my wife’s playing, then it’s her rules – as yet unpublished. I did point out that rules have to exist before the game begins – I cited the famous Queensbury Rules, which I thought was conclusive, but according to my wife, who appears to have been promoted to ‘general authority’, if ‘pink panther’ is my idea of a great movie, my opinion on any rule development is moot!

My wife thinks my movie list belongs to someone who’s ‘deranged’. But is it grounds for divorce I ask? Her one decent point is that I can recite lines from movies from 20 years ago, but cannot remember the birth dates of my 4 children.

If that comes up in cross-questioning – she’s got me over a barrel. My rebuttal would be … 1) well there are 4 of them … and 2) dyslexia … but is that a strong enough response?!

My wife questioned the fact I had no dramas; serious movies; or thrillers on my list. My response – Silence of the Lamb could sneak in, but I’ve got that stuff every day if I turn on the TV – politics; Cost of Living Crisis, War, and life is enough of a drama as it is. Movies are my escape. I love comedy.

Now to be clear – my wife isn’t funny. And what she finds funny is borderline “slapstick mutilation”. Is that a genre?

If I tell a joke – a sarcastic smile at best is all I can hope for. However, if I stub my toe and crash headfirst down the staircase – now that’s hysterical. I’m talking pee-the-pants hysterical. She dines out on my misfortune for years. I think it’s immoral to laugh though, the plaster cast isn’t off yet, and she even signed it. I do love her laugh though. It’s like mining for gold – hard to find but precious.

Or she laughs at her own jokes. Who does that? And usually before the punch line – so not only is it not funny, it’s cryptic too, you’ve got to guess the end bit and it’s a requirement that you laugh! How do you laugh at something you’re not even sure of?

I do try.

Let’s not get into stand-up comedy. My wife doesn’t find Mickey Flanagan funny. I should have checked this before I proposed nearly 30 years ago. There is not one English-speaking person in the world who doesn’t laugh at Mickey. Not one! And that’s a historical FACT.

She could just as easily be watching live triple bypass surgery – close up. Not even a giggle. Actually, she has a morbid curiosity about death. Should I be worried?

Mickey’s “tomato sauce/drug deal” joke is world-class. It’s not in the league of Peter Sellers: “Does your dog bite” skit. But it’s up there. On reflection – divorce is back on the table. Maybe I’ll agree to an uncontested arrangement if I can keep the DVDs. I’ll throw in the couch. God, I hate that couch.

So many decisions. I need a light-hearted moment right now. Maybe I’ll watch a bit of Trump on the TV. That always gets a laugh. I wonder if Melania is in his top 10? Would he add her anyway – that would mean he’s smarter than me – naaa, he’d omit her. I bet she’s thinking of divorce!

B