My Vacation to… Nowhere? Depression? My Bed?

Downtown Portland, where’s the restroom, where’s my car, and where can I get some coffee

Tomorrow always starts today. Or tonight. You know what I mean?

If I want to have a great day tomorrow, I should start preparing tonight. What do I need to pack / get ready? When should I go to sleep?

Today, I knew I’d have a day to myself so I needed to start preparing last night.

Instead, I became overwhelmed by anxiety.

It’s a 3-day weekend so I should do something special and fun with my loved ones, right?

Well, most of my friends are married, my girlfriend lives 2,500 miles away, and… COVID. So it’s hard to figure out how to kick off the weekend.

Should I go on a hike, a drive, and adventure, the ocean?

I contemplate these things as my roommate Chris and I lament our current statuses in life. We’re both Christians but hold little to how prominent Christians are conducting themselves nowadays. We’ve lived lives of integrity and love for our neighbor and dreamed of having amazing marriages and families.

Instead, after 7 years, we’re still roommates with the same dreams, still asking the same questions. Still wishing we could spend time with our wives and kids on these days off instead of wandering off on adventures on our own.

I struggled getting to bed. When there’s nothing to look forward to, when I can’t create motivation, I struggle. I took some Magnesium, Vitamin D, Phytocalm, and Ashwagandha before I went to bed to try to calm my system down.

I eventually made it to sleep close to 2am and woke up around 9am with the same motivation, none.

I laid in bed and started scrolling through my phone which tends to send me deeper into my anxieties. And then I watched my church service as they addressed that our pastor was put on leave and under investigation.

I then went to twitter to read more nonsense about lies and cover-ups at Liberty University, my alma mater.

My girlfriend texted me How are you?

Struggling. Still in bed.

I asked how she was.

Pretty good

So I guess it’s one of those days where because we wish we were together, we decide not to communicate in full thoughts to one another. You get it, right?

Eventually I made it out the door and walked up the hill to a park where I sat on a bench. I just wanted to get outside. Get off my phone. Breathe.

Sometimes that’s all we can ask of ourselves, to get up and breathe.

I’m going to go downtown and figure it out. Sometimes, that’s all we can do, figure it out.

I decide to go to Powell’s bookstore and the Kure Juice Bar.

I drive around looking for parking and finally find an open spot. Well, I drive by an open spot and loop back around in hopes that it’s still there.

It is. Step 1, find parking, check.

I start to walk down the street when I remember that… I never remember where I park. I walk back to my car and write down the streets I am parked at.

I walk over to Powell’s Bookstore, only to find a line wrapped around 2 blocks for people trying to get in. I’m a little sad I can’t go in but also stoked I live in a town where bookstores have lines wrapped around blocks.

I walk to the Kure Juice bar and order a shake called Meal-On-the-Go. It doesn’t sound sexy by any means but it seems fitting for being hungry and probably not stopping to eat anywhere. I mean, the parking meter only has 2 hours. Is anyone even checking on it during COVID? Moving on…

I walk around the city thinking about how quiet it is while the President of the United States shouts from 3,000 miles away…. “The entire city (of Portland) is ablaze all the time!!!”

It’s peaceful, serene, quiet.

Yes, it gets a little wild from 2–4am, I’ll give him that, but it’s a quiet and peaceful city for most hours of the day.

At this point, I really need to use a restroom. This seems to have become a staple of all of my mini road trips.

I’m only 45 minutes in to my adventure so I don’t really want to turn around and go home just because I have to use the restroom. And I’ve already paid for 2 hours of parking, so that’s like giving away $2.25 and I can’t let myself do that.

I walk around the city looking for a port-o-potty or a place that might have a restroom open.

I contemplate going in my water bottle or finding an alley. I’m getting desperate.

And then I spot a Whole Foods up ahead, great!

I walk in and locate the restrooms in the back. I head up the stairs to them where I find a lock pad on the door and it says, enter code from bottom of your receipt.

Ok, who gets their groceries and then walks to the back of the grocery store, up the stairs, and then uses the restroom while leaving all their groceries… in a hallway? On the bathroom floor?

I walk around looking for a cheap item to buy so I can get a code. But it’s Whole Foods so… cheap isn’t really a term there. And I start contemplating buying something, walking with it through the store, using the restroom and then walking out of the store with my item… and getting arrested. “I have the receipt sir! I just needed to use the restroom!”

I decide to leave.

I find a CVS, great!

I walk a couple of laps in there and see no restrooms, just a walkway downstairs. I take it, an emergency door starts buzzing and I decide to leave there too.

But thank God for Portland and breweries.

I find a local brewery. I walk inside. I walk to the rest around the corner. And I walk out. Thank God. I don’t drink beer, but next time I do, Von Ebert Brewing is my spot.

I still had about an hour of time so I wanted to go to Never Coffee. It’s a favorite of mine.

As I walk there, I walk by my car except… where’s my car?

I don’t know whether my car is missing or I’ve simply lost it. I probably lost it. Lemme find coffee and then figure it out.

I get to the door at Never Coffee and they are locking it as I arrive.

Typical. It’s 2pm, why are we closing??!

Should I find my car and leave?

I decide to walk to Heart coffee where I order a vanilla oat milk latte and sit outside.

My mini-vacation is now complete. I took a walk, I got a coffee, and I used the restroom. That’s about all I can ask for nowadays.