My Unexpected Sabbatical

Summary

The author humorously details ten whimsical and absurd excuses for their 60-day hiatus from writing, ranging from personal adventures to global issues.

Abstract

In a comedic article titled "My Unexpected Sabbatical," the author shares ten humorous and outlandish reasons for their two-month break from writing. These excuses include the ease of not writing, adopting a dog that demands constant attention, a psychedelic experience, a brief infatuation with Cuban communism, an attempt to become a ranch hand inspired by the TV show "Yellowstone," contracting COVID, developing an addiction to "Stuck Porn," and an ambitious quest to consume unprecedented amounts of fried cheesecake. The author playfully reflects on current events such as the war in Ukraine, gun control debates, and the prevalence of long COVID, while also satirizing their own experiences and the absurdity of their excuses.

Opinions

The author finds not writing to be a preferable and less challenging alternative to writing.
They express a humorous exaggeration about the time it took to muster the courage to confine their adorable dog to the basement.
The author uses sarcasm to describe their experience with LSD, suggesting it was a closet-bound ordeal rather than an epic adventure.
They mock their own brief fascination with Cuban communism, highlighting the stark contrast between socialist ideals and the comforts of capitalist society.
The author pokes fun at their failed attempt to become a ranch hand, involving a misunderstanding with a horse.
They jest about succumbing to a pornography addiction centered around a niche genre involving entrapment scenarios.
The author humorously blames their excessive consumption of fried cheesecake for impeding their ability to type.
The piece is laced with satirical commentary on political and social issues, such as the ongoing debates over gun control and the challenges of the COVID pandemic.

Dogs, Communists, Fried Cheesecake, and Stuck Porn

“Ah, Communism!” Photo credit: some lady who keeps calling herself my girlfriend.

I haven’t written. It’s been 60 days since my last comedic confession, and so much has changed.

When I wrote my last article the war in Ukraine was making headlines, a mass shooting had left the American crying for gun control, and about long COVID was rampant. Thank God we don’t have to worry about any of that anymore.

I should have written, but I have a damn good excuse for not writing. Actually, I have ten damn good excuses to explain my unexpected sabbatical. Here they all are — in the order in which I thought of them. I mean, in the order in which they happened to me.

1 I discovered that not writing is significantly easier than writing.

2 I rescued a dog. A dog who requires ungodly amounts of love and affection. A dog who is so adorable it’s taken me two months to build the courage to chain him in my basement for seven straight hours, screaming at him whenever he whimpers because I’m busy inventing excuses for why I haven’t written medium articles.

3My dog ate my medium articles.

“Mmm. Mediocrity.” Creator: peterleabo from Getty Images/iStockphoto

4Lysergic acid diethylamide. I dropped acid and found myself in Narnia battling an evil witch with the assistance of a talking lion. In the end it turned out I was just trapped in my closet for three weeks, which is no big deal because I’ve been trapped in much scarier metaphorical closet for the last 34 years.

5Communism. I visited the island of Cuba and became a Castro enthusiast after I realized that his ongoing socialist revolution is simply flawless and most certainly not crippled by a series of urgent, irremediable crises in the fields of healthcare, food procurement, economic stagnation, civil liberties, and political repression.

6Communism. I had to flee from Cuba after I remembered I was actually virulent capitalist who enjoys things like air conditioning, freedom of speech, and easy access to deep-fried cheesecake. I haven’t published anything out of fear of reprisals by Raul Castro and his band of hardworking and totally legitimate ruffians.

7Yellowstone. After watching this Kevin Costner creation I attempted to become a ranch hand in Montana. I was asked to leave after an incident with a horse which was misconstrued as being sexual in nature. I assure you now that I was merely attempting to milk the stallion’s giant udder in order to quench my thirst.

“Stay away from my milk.” Courtesy of Sarah Olive from Unsplash.com

8COVID.

9I have fallen into a crippling pornography addiction. Specifically, I can’t stop watching Stuck Porn, in which attractive women find themselves trapped in the prone position between couch cushions, or inside of a dryer, or one time impossible wrapped up in a shower curtain.

How will she ever get out? Courtesy of Steinar Engeland from Unplash.com

10I am on a quest to eat more fried cheesecake than any man has ever eaten before. The excess weight gain is starting to fatten my fingers, thus making typing nearly impossib;kasdkasdjaskdfj.

BACK AT IT

My Unexpected Sabbatical

Dogs, Communists, Fried Cheesecake, and Stuck Porn