Summary

Remington Write details her unconventional marital relationships with two men, Neil and AleXander, emphasizing the importance of maintaining individual friendships and the fulfillment found in non-monogamous arrangements.

Abstract

Remington Write shares her unique experience of having two husbands, a situation that arose from her non-monogamous lifestyle. Her first "husband," Neil, is a gay friend with whom she has shared a deep platonic bond for over 16 years, including travel and weekly dinners. They were once part of a platonic triad with their late friend Peter. Her legal husband, AleXander, with whom she shares a life and an apartment, is described as caring and intimate, and together they explore artistic endeavors and sexual adventures with others. Write emphasizes the necessity of not overburdening one partner with all emotional and social needs, and the value of diverse relationships. She maintains regular contact with Neil while enjoying a fulfilling partnership with AleXander, who respects her need for independence and time with friends.

Opinions

The author values the depth and longevity of her relationship with Neil, which transcends traditional romantic partnerships.
She believes that a single partner cannot fulfill all aspects of a person's life, advocating for the importance of maintaining friendships outside of the primary relationship.
The author expresses a high regard for AleXander, who provides emotional support and intimacy, and is open to her spending time with Neil and other friends.
She reflects on past dysfunctional relationships and acknowledges her current situation as an ideal balance of companionship and independence.
The author appreciates the enriching experiences and adventures she shares with both of her husbands, suggesting that her unconventional family structure is a source of joy and fulfillment.

My Two Husbands

Because one isn’t enough

Joanna of Constantinople’s husbands were consecutive. Mine are concurrent / WikiMedia Commons

I’m not talking polyamory, or more accurately polyandry, although I’m not of the monogamous crew either.

My first “husband” Neil (not his real name) is gay and we’ve been together for over 16 years. The husband I live with and with whom I made it official in the eyes of the IRS at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Reno is AleXander.

I Have a Name, Thanks

Yours is great but it’s yours

psiloveyou.xyz

When Neil began suggesting different outings back in the early aughts I recall asking him why. His answer: “I’ve always had a wife and but Linda went and got married and moved to the ‘burbs. What are you doing Sunday?”

Neil and I have been to London together as well as taking the Coast Starlight train from LA to San Francisco back in 2007. On that trip, we role-played an elderly couple on holiday. He was Harold and I was Mabel and everything gave him gas. We’ll still occasionally slip into those roles to the confusion of anyone who’s with us but it always cracks us up.

Once upon a time, Neil and I were part of a platonic triad with our angry and wonderful friend, Peter, who died in 2012. For years the three of us met for brunch every Saturday, usually at the Village Den, and had our weekly movie nights at Neil’s studio apartment, the Breadbox, next to the Chelsea Hotel. We’d over-order Chinese food from Homes Kitchen and talk and laugh through the whole movie. No one else ever came back for a second movie night with us.

Peter was also along for the London trip which Neil suggested as a little pick-me-up after I had been hospitalized in Bellevue for two weeks with an ass-kicker of an autoimmune disorder.

In Every Pile of Poop there is a Pony

(What two weeks hospitalized in Bellevue taught me)

medium.com

Over our years together I have had several different partners and lovers. Not all were graced with Neil’s stamp of approval but we both always knew it didn’t matter if he liked my partners or not. Some he liked, others he didn’t. But he and I were solid through it all.

We’ve spent countless summer days at Coney Island and countless nights at the theater. I saw my first Broadway musical (“Thoroughly Modern Millie” with Sutton Foster as Millie) with Neil. Over the years he’s probably dropped an easy five figures on feeding and entertaining me. And each May I throw a birthday party for him at my place with name-brand Cheetos, fried chicken from Mama’s on the corner, and a buttercream birthday cake from Make My Cake.

I love Neil and won’t make a common mistake that I’ve made numerous times in the past. When I’d begin a new romantic relationship I’d neglect my friends with predictable results. I’ve endangered and even lost some very important relationships that way.

When I scooped AleXander up in 2010 and began two years of a bi-borough love affair I made sure to still have dinner with Neil at least every two weeks.

Then Neil was diagnosed with cancer

His cancer was caught early enough to be treatable although the treatment beat him up but good. I upped my time with him, making sure I was over at his place at least every Thursday to order food for delivery and to make his bed up with clean sheets. Sometimes, if he was up for it, we’d go down to the diner near his new-ish place at 80th and 1st Avenue. I was one of a crew of friends who came together for Neil during that time.

Five years later, Neil remains cancer-free and we still get together every week for dinner. We also go to talks and occasionally to the theater together. Additionally, I’ll occasionally go over to his place to drink tea and watch as he goes through his pile of mail that has the curious habit of growing to the point of being unmanageable.

When I met AleXander I’d just come out the other side of a year-long relationship with a guy I’d met in Prague. Skyping and two in-the-flesh visits in that year just weren’t enough to keep us going and I was at loose ends when I re-crossed paths with AleXander at a queer sex party in Brooklyn. I’d always liked his energy but, as I have said, he was shy which I mistook for a lack of interest.

Boy, was I wrong!

I’ve never been in any relationship with anyone who’s treated me with the level of care, consideration, and deep intimacy that I share with AleXander. Even when he’s in pain or otherwise not feeling great he still makes it clear on a daily basis how important I am in his life.

Early on I was convinced I had a broken picker when it came to men. One after another abusive or otherwise dysfunctional relationship came and went over the years. In time, I began upgrading. Each subsequent relationship was with a marginally healthier, more stable, more caring partner.

With AleXander I hit the super lotto.

And here’s what I now know about even the best, most solid, most loving and caring of relationships: you can’t load everything onto one person. AleXander and I share a life and an apartment, we create art together, we go on adventures together and have had some awesome sexual romps with other people. He’s my friend and my most intimate confidante, but I don’t expect him to be my everything.

I also don’t expect Neil to remain my closest friend without us spending regular time together on a frequent basis. We get together weekly and talk on the phone three or four times a week.

In this respect, I think AleXander’s past experiences in polyamory serve us all well. While he wants significant daily/weekly time together he understands how important it is for me to have time with Neil. AleXander is also comfortable with me staying out until midnight with friends fellowshipping after my Monday night meeting as well as going here and there with Neil. He has one strong friendship with a former poly partner and, to be honest, I wish he had more of those. It’s not my business, however, and he knows how to take care of himself.

I’ve joked in the past that between Neil and AleXander I have one perfect husband. When I think about it, though, it’s not a joke but a beautiful reality in my life.