My Top Thousand Sex Tips

Why so many? I’m 80-years-old. I’ve been busy.

For Sherry McGuinn who thinks we need more sex on Medium.

Okay, raise your hand if you cringed at the idea of an old lady having sex.

I thought so. Most of you. All of you, in fact, except the old geezers in the back who are so ancient they make me look like a Hollywood starlet.

But if old-people-sex is such a turn-off, why did you click on the article?

Aha! You’re hoping I’ll teach you something new. Something nasty and fun you haven’t heard of before. Because even though you’d rather poke a sharp stick in your eye than think of your grandma getting it on with the old guy in the walker taking the sun in the park, you know that with age comes experience.

And you’re willing to hold your nose and read about a kinky new position to try out with your girlfriend. You just hope to god you forget where you read it when you’re swinging from the chandelier Saturday night with a cucumber…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I get it. When we’re young and randy all the time, all we want to do is play with our crotches or have somebody do that for us. We can’t imagine people even a generation older than us who wields some authority or has a bit of wisdom losing their heads over sex or even giving head, for that matter.

Because all the squirmy, luscious feelings are so new to us, we seem to think we invented them. And we’re keeping it a big secret. That’s why we whisper around the old folks. So they won’t know what we’re talking about when we use sign language for our private parts and what we do with them. You know, making an “O” with one hand and jabbing your other index finger into it.

Haha. Like your old deaf grandpa didn’t do that trick when he was a horny young buck. Or, maybe he did it last week to the gray-haired cutie at the bingo club in the senior center who doesn’t hear too well herself these days but still likes to get it on.

If the kids had it right, of course, we’d have to wonder at all the virgin births, because, you know, like, if they invented sex, where did all the grown-ups come from? But that’s a puzzle for another day, kiddlets.

Back to sex and the wonder of an eighty-year-old knowing anything that could be of value to you in the bedroom.

Well, let me tell you, I’ve forgotten more about sex than you even know.

No, seriously. I’ve actually forgotten most stuff. Do you have any idea what eighty years does to your memory cells? They say it’s because of plaque build-up, but then I read this article that showed many people with serious memory decline had no plaque…wait, what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, the things I remember. It’s true, memory loss is a bitch, but still, I can recall a lot. I’m not bragging or anything. It’s not like I ran through the whole Kama Sutra cover to cover, but let’s just say, I’ve had my moments.

However, the thing with giving sex tips, it’s a little like giving writing advice. If you’ll excuse a digression for a moment while I make my point, I also have a lot of experience teaching people how to craft stories and learn techniques to make their sentences shine.

Often, new writers will ask me which books to read that will help them become better writers. Much as you are seeking help on making sure you reach the gates of ecstasy each and every time. Oh, and your partner, too. I’m not suggesting you’re selfish in the sack or anything like that.

But when people make a request for a book on writing, all I can do is tell them what works for me. No guarantees it will start their engine. The whole subject is super subjective. You read something that hits you where you live, that answers all your questions. That gives you the one nugget that will help you turn your stinker of a novel into a best seller. Naturally, you want to share it with the world.

Suppose, though, you’re just a little late to the party? Suppose the world already knows how to handle passive voice or how to eliminate those pesky filter words from your prose? Nobody would line up to hear your advice. So I’m careful about giving out book lists for young writers. Mine always comes with a caveat. You may not be at the right level of expertise to appreciate the fine points. Or, all these juicy tidbits may be old news if you’re way ahead of the game. You might need a master class if you know what I mean.

It’s a bit like that with giving out sex tips. I could detail the ins and outs of the Venus Butterball, for example, which has many ins and outs, by the way. I might go into exquisite detail, knowing how much gratitude your partner would heap on you for generously bestowing such pleasure.

Yet, you might come back and complain that you were working away and say, five minutes later, you lift your head to catch a peek, and instead of seeing an expression of wild abandon, your lover says, “Well, have you started yet?”

Just because I might recommend a combination of moves and appliances and delicious lubricants that I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying in my time, that doesn’t mean my remedy for a lackadaisical performance is guaranteed to heat the coils in your furnace, now does it?

And then what would happen to my reputation if you rolled your eyes in a snarky dismissal when someone asked you if I’d revealed my secret to the famous VB? People would see me as just an ordinary little old lady. Someone whose glory days are in the past, who phones it in when it comes to giving out advice on how to get it on in the bedroom. Dashed would be my persona as a badass, someone who kicks ageism to the curb, who doesn’t let the shadow of a Medicare card create a barrier to living the good life.

So, sure, I can walk you through many pleasures of the flesh you and your partner(s) can enjoy. But let’s face it. You can just look them up on the internet. I hear pornbutt.com, or is it barnhub.com? Some porn site like that will answer all your questions.

But just so your visit here won’t be a total bust, I’ll give you one of my favorite tips. After all, if nothing else, I’m a woman of my word.

Got a pencil? Here’s one for the ladies, but you guys will appreciate it too. It will help her keep her head in the game. Pun intended.

Girls, when you’re going down on your man, take off your holy medal first. Otherwise, it will keep slapping you in the chin.

Thank you for reading.

I’m an editor and writer on Medium with Top Writer status in several categories. I’m also an editor for the publication, Rogues Gallery. I’ve published 55 titles on Amazon and edit for private clients. If you’d like to hire me as your editor for fiction, non-fiction, or business writing, please contact me here. If you’d like to read more of my work on Medium, click here to sign up for my newsletter. I’ll make sure you don’t miss a word. Thank you for reading.