My “Together Until Death Do Us Apart” Relationship Is an Inspiration for My Son

The young man in the photo is my 25 years old son. He’s the most reserved person I know, he never talks about his feelings. He reaches out to me for advice, to talk about work, friends, his flat, etc. He checks on me daily. But talking about emotions is not for him.

Since he was a kid, my son would never share with me what he felt. He’d tell me details from his day, activities he did or people he knew. But never how situations made him feel.

When he was 6 years old, I had to tell him his cousin lost the battle to leukemia. He held me tight, hiding his face. Then went to his room without saying a word. I respected his privacy and let him cry alone.

When he was 18, he lost his grandfather, the man he loved the most in the world. After breaking the news, I haven’t seen him for days, he went to a friend and only came back when he felt better. We texted a lot, but he had to be away, managing pain on his own.

Later on, he made the decision to see a psychologist, he finally admitted he needed help managing his (silent but active) emotions.

While he was growing up, I read what experts said in the matter, I asked for advice from a psychologist friend. I tried many strategies for my son to open up with me. But nothing ever changed: he wouldn’t talk, even knowing that we could talk about anything. His answer was always the same: “You know I don’t talk about feelings”.

Knowing him well, I always perceived when something was disturbing him. I made him aware I knew, and that I was always there for him, for whatever he needed. He’d come, disguised. In his imposed emotional silence, he always found comfort in me. It was enough for him.

My son has a harsh first layer but under it, a softened heart. He loves and dedicates himself to his longtime friends and, as well, to his girlfriend.

But, after three years together, she broke up with him. It kind came out of nowhere (I’ve seen the signs, but he refused to believe them. Love can make us blind for the obvious). On top of losing his girlfriend, he was betrayed by her. Losing her love was hard on him, but her deceiving was harder.

After he told me what happened, he shut down, he’s not talking about it anymore.

As parents, we try our best to set a good example for our children. It’s a huge responsibility and it’s hard. After all, we are humans. We have good and bad days, sometimes problems and negative emotions take the best of us.

I had a hard life but I did my best as a mother (and a person). Along the way of motherhood, I’ve made a list of evidence, prooving myself I was a good one. Whenever I doubted my parenthood skills, I found reassurance and comfort in that list.

I also have the list I could have done better, but I don’t use it anymore. It’s in the back of my head, I made peace with my errors. Parents aren’t perfect -they’re not supposed to be- and I did the best I could.

Yesterday, with his heart out his chest, crying about his girlfriend, my son told me the most beautiful thing he ever did. He made me feel the proudest mother and woman. This is what he said:

Mon, I even took her to meet dad! Of everything I did, that’s what I regret the most.

(note: his dad wasn’t his biological father, but he loved him as one. We lost him five years ago and, as expected, that’s a pain we never talk about)

When I asked him to explain why he regretted what he’d done, he said:

Because I wanted to introduce him to the woman who was going to give me what you two had.

My body started shaking, tears run down my face with no notice. I’m still grieving, the loss I (we) had was too deep, I’m scarred for life. Far away, I built a new life. I’m happy. Incomplete without the love of my life, but happy.

My partner and I were together for 13 years. During that time, we had ups and downs, we had fights and disagreements, but we always went through things. We were happy together.

We had honest love and deep respect, even for our differences. Along with that, our relationship had one ingredient that, for me, is essential: a sense of humour. Our dark humour matched perfectly. There were always laughs around the house.

I never doubted I gave a good life to my son, that I chose a good stepdad for him. I grew up with my parents fighting all the time, I can’t recall a moment where I saw love between them. My relationship was the opposite, there was always evidence of love and caring for each other.

What I didn’t know was that my relationship is a compass for my son, it’s what he wishes for himself.

Several times he tells me I am the best mother, he publishes on Instagram photos of us together, saying things like “you did a good job” or “this is my hero”.

My son won’t speak with me about emotions, but he shows me all the time the love and admiration he has for me. How a positive role model I was, and still am.

My son’s words were the best recognition I could have, as a mother, a partner, and a woman. I did a good job.

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