My Therapist told me I am a bit of a Sociopath

So … it seems that I manipulate people around me towards doing what I want and I lack empathy, also, I fake feelings towards others, especially my parents.

I am not sure how others react to a conclusion like this. It does kinda hurt, and it is kinda scary.

But let’s start with the beginning.

We were talking about my parents and how is my relationship with them.

You see, my parents have split up for some time now. Before splitting up there were daily fights for about a decade. And when I say fights, I mean fights. My mom lost most of them, of course.

After the split, she tried to work in Romania for a few years, but it was not enough, so she left abroad for better-paid work.

Because of that, and maybe a lot of trauma that she had in her childhood, she build a very impressive narcissistic behavior. This behavior placed all her problems on me. I am sure that she did not intend to do that, but that is what happened.

And all those problems hurt. They hurt like hell.

There were long days, sometimes weeks, when we were on the phone and she would tell me how much she suffers, and how hard it is for her. It made me feel responsible for her pain, and completely useless because I could not help her in any way.

That went on for most of my college and the first years of my marriage. We managed to get her to come home, and here everything continued in the same way. She would guilt trip me and tell me the worst things, like how cursed her life is because she had me as a child. And I would stay there and listen to her because she is alone, she is hurting, and she needs someone to talk to.

On the other hand, there was my father. He always blamed me for their split. He said that I abandoned him and he is alone and miserable because I did not convince mom to stay at home.

Now, my father has 3 more siblings, 2 brothers, and one sister. He is the second one. My grandparents were not the ones to teach their children to manage their emotions or discover their own identity or love themselves.

Everyone had a spot in that family. The spot for the leader was taken by the big brother, the spot for the small, spoiled one was taken by the small brother, the spot for the one that takes care of the family was taken by his sister. Everyone except my father.

And, in a family where everyone was fighting for parents' love and attention, he chose the rebel way of getting that attention. That kinda got him alone and drunk.

I know he suffers a lot. He is alone, he knows that his entire situation is because of him. And I know, he has no idea what to do with this, so he hides it and blames others. His son included.

So ... what happened?

I am glad you asked😎! A few years back, I started to see myself a little more. And I realized that hurting will not do me any good.

So I locked them out.

I cannot save dad. He is too far to be saved by me. So I left him alone. We talk, but I don’t do anything for him.

I helped my mother get back home. Bought her an apartment. Super grateful for the fact that I could do that. I visit, eat lunch and talk. But she is not touching an inch of my soul. And she knows that. It was hard at first, but now she got used to it.

Do you love them?

… is what my therapist asked me.

No!

... is what I said. I don’t want to see my mother. I don’t want to see my father. It does not bring me joy to do that. I do it because there is a duty that I want to pay. And this is the best I could do.

There are a few other ideas that got my therapist to this conclusion. But my problem is another one.

What now?

What should I do with this?

Ok. I am a little sociopath!

Good. I now know this.

So what? Should I change? Can I change? Should I accept? Should I start a TickTock about the life of a half sociopath?

One thing is sure, I am not suffering again like before. And if that means not being a sociopath, then I am going for the TickTock thing 😁.

What do others do in a situation like this?

Either way, I will still focus on the nice parts of life. I will still be grateful for what I am and what I have. I will still tell everyone to look up, see the sky, acknowledge how small and lucky we are, and enjoy the wind’s touch on our faces.

If you want to be grateful, as well, this article might help you

Or if you want to hold true to your beliefs and accept yourself, learning how to say ‘NO’ will help you

No feeling regret and controlling your anxiety is hard. Learn how to live in the present with this article:

If you liked this article and it helped you in any way, then I would love it if you would buy me a coffee ❤️☕️.

Or, if you want unlimited access to all Medium content, feel free to use my affiliate link. It’s 5$/month, and I would receive half of that.