My Therapist Set Me Back 3 Years
My journey to overcome PTSD
NOTE: This article has been lingering in my drafts for the last month. It was challenging to write and even more challenging to publish. Despite what you read below, I still see immense value in therapy and if you are struggling with your mental health, I recommend you seek help from a professional.
My best friend died in September 2013.
A couple of days later, I was diagnosed with PTSD.
Sometimes, it feels like a lifetime ago, while on other days, it feels like it was just yesterday.
With the 10-year anniversary passing recently, I’ve been reflecting a lot:
- On the kind of person I was back then.
- On the struggles I’ve had over the last 10 years.
- On how this event shaped my life and the direction it was headed.
In the interest of privacy for my friend, I will omit any of the major details of his passing. To be honest, they have little to do with this article.
This article mainly delves into my experience dealing with and overcoming PTSD.
The Therapist
The day after my friend passed away, my mom told me about free counselling services offered through her work.
At this point, I hadn’t considered counselling, but I knew something wasn’t right.
The fact that it was free was a big draw to me — What had I got to lose?
I vividly remember the feeling before my first session.
I was sitting in my car shaking (on reflection, I spent a lot of those first few months shaking).
The therapy studio was attached to her house, and I sat there, my heart racing, waiting for her to arrive. I started sharing my story, often breaking down in tears. We engaged in a back-and-forth conversation, and initially, I felt at ease.
However, about 20 minutes in, I noticed she made her second religious reference.
This was the first red flag for me.
To be clear, I have no issues with religion.
But to me, they had no place in this conversation.
What I needed were actionable steps, guided by scientific research, to help me regain some composure in my life.
At this point in my life, all I could remember feeling was fear.
But I couldn’t seem to put my finger on what this fear was.
She asked me the question:
‘What is it that you’re afraid of David?’
As I tried to find and articulate the words, she continued with:
‘Do you think he’s going to come to you?’
What she meant was, did I think the Ghost of my friend was going to appear before me?
This may seem like a ridiculous comment, but for me, in the headspace I was in at the time, it was the most frightening question I’d ever been asked.
The Aftermath
From that moment on, I struggled to be alone.
I lived in a one-bedroom apartment on my own at the time, and I could no longer be there by myself.
I would find myself waiting outside the building for my girlfriend to return from work. On the few occasions when I did have to be in there on my own, I would shake in fear, unable to move, convinced that if I left the room, my friend would appear.
I knew at the time, that my life would never be the same.
I suspected that over time, I would recover and there would be some form of normality in my life.
But what I didn’t predict, were the unexpected changes to my character.
Confidence
For some reason, my confidence and self-esteem were shattered after this.
If I was in a crowd of people at work or in a social setting, I would be afraid to speak up. When I did, I often turned red with embarrassment for no apparent reason.
I just couldn’t figure out why.
On reflection, it was the intense emotion of anxiety that I was unable to control. My body deemed anxiety as a significant threat now. So, when even small amounts arose in my body, I was unable to control it.
What added to this lack of confidence, was that my worldview was completely distorted.
Before that day, I knew what reality was.
I knew what was in the realms of possibility.
Now, all of a sudden, life was completely uncertain.
I’d been knocked into another life, unsure what could happen.
Social Life
As I was in my early 20s at the time, alcohol and socialising with my friends was my primary concern. I remember vividly, drinking to excess 4 to 5 nights a week.
It was a long time before I drank again. As for seeing friends, this also reduced dramatically.
Partly as I felt I would be unable to function in a social setting.
Partly because a lot of my friends disappeared.
I would have expected that my friends would rally around, offering support. However, the reality was a lot different.
The majority hid from me, under the guise that they ‘just wanted to give me my space’.
In reality, they were scared.
Scared to confront an insanely difficult topic. Scared they might say the wrong thing.
Fortunately, I had one particularly good friend. In addition to my now wife, that helped me get through it.
Relationships
I found it very difficult to relate to anyone back then.
I felt completely alone — as if there was no one who could possibly know what I was going through.
I would often look to my parents for guidance and advice. Now, I suddenly had a problem that they had no experience in solving.
My girlfriend (now Wife) clearly had the toughest job. She was there for my worst moments. To pick up the pieces of what I was and help to rebuild me.
As a young couple in our 20s, we should have been enjoying experiences together. Unfortunately, it was a long time before we were able to.
The Recovery
After wallowing in misery for the last few months of 2013, I decided to take action to get my life back on track.
Here are the main areas I focused on.
Physical Health
I joined a local gym, gave up smoking, quit drinking and focused on my nutrition.
I started on January 1st 2014 and I went all in.
I think the main reason, is that this was one area of my life that I had full control over.
It felt so comforting to have a goal to work towards. Something that I could focus my efforts on and see progress with.
Mental Health
Making changes to my physical health had significant knock-on on effects to my mental health.
But, I also spent a significant amount of time trying to work through my problems, partly guided by therapists. However, my biggest improvements came from the work I did independently.
I became fascinated with the human mind.
I needed to understand why we think and behave in the ways we do. I devoured books on psychology. I read every self-improvement book I could get my hands on. I learnt about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
It was a painfully slow process. But gradually, each new piece of information helped guide me towards recovery.
Where I’m At Now?
Right now, I feel fully recovered and content in my life.
The events from that period will always remain in my thoughts, but I can accept them now and they no longer affect my ability to have a functioning and happy life.
However, there are still some lingering effects.
- I tend to always jump to the worst-case scenario. I catastrophise and it takes immense work to keep this under control.
- My body can’t differentiate the different types of anxieties, so I still find it very hard to control. A good example is Public speaking. I used to feel healthy nerves before speaking publicly but now at times, they can be very difficult to control.
- It takes an inordinate amount of work to ensure I don’t fall back into bad habits — Journaling, Meditation, Reading etc.
It took about 7 years to fully recover. Although, I will never really be the same again.
I have no idea if the therapist set me back 3 years — but that’s the figure that springs to mind when I think about it.
My period of recovery, while incredibly difficult, has made me a better person today than I ever was previously. I look back on the last 10 years of my life and I’m immensely proud of how far I’ve come.
I’m also aware that managing myself and my emotions will be a constant job. I will always need to ensure that I focus on my well-being.
If you’re going through a difficult time, please get some help. Start by speaking to someone, anyone.
Don’t suffer alone.
About the Author
My name is Dave 👋
I’m always on the hunt for strategies to unlock high performance and dedicated to assisting others in their journey towards self-improvement.
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