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Abstract

id="cbc2">Happy to know that I would be feasting on a midnight dinner of chocolate chip cookies, vanilla ice cream and Pepsi, I went back to finish my school assignment.Shortly before 9:00 pm, I heard the “blip” on my phone telling me that I had a new message. It informed me that my delivery order had been cancelled by Amazon.<h1 id="0b6a">My distractions have their own distractions</h1>I knew what had happened. It was the same thing that had happened the last two times I went grocery shopping. Amazon Prime tried charging my old bank card. I thought I had updated it (twice) before.I rushed back online in the futile hope that I could rush through and reorder my groceries with my new bank card and still make the cutoff. Of course, I didn’t make it. I would be left either ordering from Door Dash again or resigning myself to a dinner of pumpkin seeds, chocolate, and Sweet Tarts.I was angry at myself and the disheveled disorder I had made of my life as I deleted the five now expired or defunct credit cards from my Amazon Prime account, leaving my new bank card as their only option the next time I ordered groceries.It was near 10:00 pm when I got back to my school assignment. Luckily, I still had two hours before this assignment was due. I finished early at 11:30 pm, with half an hour to spare.I send my assignment off for submission and, firmly embracing my ability to live in denial, congratulated myself on my organizational skills.<h1 id="ce60">De Nile isn’t solely in Egypt</h1>It was then that I heard a loud moan of disapproval coming from an unopened cardboard box leaning against the wall in my living room. I wondered to myself if there was a small animal somehow still alive in the sealed box which had been holding up the wall for the last two weeks.A secondary rhythmic sing-songy moan struck me as sounding an awful lot like the horn section from Paul Simon’s song “Call Me Al.” That, and a strong desire to avoid the noises coming from the box, inspired me to turn on the radio for a few minutes. I needed to put my mind at ease with some music while simultaneously avoiding work and the strange noise from the box.I use my TV for all things musical, so I flipped through several appearances of the words “Echo”, “Alex”, and “Amazon” before landing on the 80s station which was playing Allison by Elvis Costello.“Allison, my aim is true.”The words drifted across my mind. “What’s with all the Al’s crossing my path?” I thought to myself. The 80s station followed Alison with “The Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen.“And Echoes,” I thought to myself. Strange. I shrugged and unlocked my phone to play one game of trivia before resigning myself to the most dreaded task of the day which I had been actively avoiding, checking my work email.<h1 id="5cce">A serendipitous game of trivia</h1>Who was the Greek ruler known for conquering Persia? Alexander the Great.What do you call the phenomenon where a sound gets repeated, reflected back at you? An Echo.Which president has a current popular musical about him? Alexander Hamilton.What storehouse

Options

of information in Egypt was famously burnt to the ground? The Library of Alexandria.What sense do bats use to determine the distance and location of objects? Echolocation.What’s the name of the world’s largest rain forest? The Amazon.“What’s with these questions?” I thought to myself.I shook my head and put down my trivia game. I flipped past Amazon Prime on my TV as I turned it off, resigning myself to check my work email.As I went back to my computer, with the trivia game fresh in my mind, I wondered to myself, “I wonder how much having an Alexa can help with trivia.”I sat down and clicked on Firefox to open my browser. Before going to Outlook to check my work email, I started doing a little research on Amazon’s Alexa.<h1 id="3df5">Even paranoid agoraphobics should keep an open mind</h1>I had several preconceived notions already running through my mind: I bet it costs about $300 bucks. There’s probably a monthly subscription. It will probably spy on me just like the NSA and FBI.“Finally!” came the voice from the unopened cardboard box in the living room.This time I recognized it. It was the familiar voice of my unnamed spirit guide. He’s not always here, or at least, I can’t always hear him or make out what he’s trying to communicate to me.Then, the penny dropped. He had been bashing me over the head trying to communicate Alex Echo to me for several hours.“That’s interesting,” I thought. “I don’t recall any of my spirits guides ever supporting capitalism much less Orwellian surveillance and mind control before.”Then the following thought crossed my mind, “You know, if I get an Echo Alexa, I bet the government will spy on me less than they do now.”“Think of how much easier it will be for them just to listen in on the conversations in the house instead of having to fire up all that expensive mind monitoring equipment they’re using now.”Suddenly, Alexa didn’t sound so terrifying.“Watch,” I said to myself, “there’s probably a brand new release that just came out yesterday or something.”<h1 id="6f05">Intriguing coincidence?</h1>My ‘duckduckgo’ search (I try not to use Google for obvious reasons) confirmed my suspicions: the new Amazon Echo Dot Generation 4 complete with Alexa had, in fact, been released today.Even better, there’s no monthly subscription and it’s under$ 100 bucks.I promptly thanked my spirit guide, naming him Echo Whalesong in the process and proceeded to purchase a brand new Echo Generation 4 complete with my favorite government spy and future girlfriend, Alexa.I sat back satisfied that soon my life will be more organized than I can possibly fathom right now.“I hope I still have a job tomorrow,” I thought, “ I’m going to need one to support my new and improved, well-organized trivia master Yuppie (do we still use that word?) lifestyle.”It is thanks to the efforts of Echo Whalesong and the support of the spirit world that I might even hold this job for a whole year! That’d truly be something to be amazed about.</article></body>

My Spirit Guide Told Me to Consider Buying the New Amazon Echo, Fourth Generation

The perfect gift for your paranoid agoraphobic friends

October 22, 2020.

Little did I know how my world was about to change. I had been sick with fever most of the day, sleeping until just after 3:00 pm. Something was off, I was having difficulty concentrating. I had fallen behind at work and missed a deadline for a school assignment.

My life, somehow, despite having fallen to new lows over the past 6 months was still managing to fall to even deeper lows, a previously unknown level I’d never explored in my life.

I did some research before hastily cobbling together my report for school, then sat down exploring Door Dash for what must’ve been nearly an hour before deciding on what to get for breakfast as it approached 5:00 pm.

Organization and distractions.

I looked through the three notebooks that I had bought recently for the express purpose of organizing my life. Originally, one was supposed to be exclusively for work, one for school, and one for all other activities and ideas.

Unfortunately, ideas and remembering deadlines don’t come at me as well organized like that. I don’t have work ideas, then school ideas, then other ideas. They come intermingled, and that’s just what I had done to my notebooks.

Rather than simplifying my life, I had made it even more complicated. I attempted to raise my spirits by shoving aside my life, playing a trivia game on my phone. It gives me positive affirmation through the display of happy green checkmarks playing triumphant music when I answer a question right.

I needed the immediate positive feedback that what I was doing with my life was appropriate. The kind of feedback that only an isolating, distracting, and deceitful trivia game could give me, considering the state of affairs in my real life.

6:00 pm, time for breakfast.

I played until my 6:00 pm breakfast arrived. After breakfast, I logged into my school account to check and see if there was anything else I had missed. There was. Luckily, it was an assignment due by midnight. That gave me 6 hours to work on it. Phew! I got lucky.

I worked on my nearly overdue school assignment for two straight hours before taking a break to go grocery shopping online. The intricate way I manage to mismanage my time means I only have time to grocery shop online, never in person. Besides, the wasted time, my anxiety gives me the additional excuse I need to justify the expense. I need an assistant, badly.

At about 8:30 pm I finished filling my cart with the four basic food groups: ice cream, cookies, potato chips, and Pepsi. Just enough to put me over the $35 minimum required for free delivery and hit the checkout button just in time to make the cutoff for the last delivery window (10:00 pm to midnight) of the night.

Happy to know that I would be feasting on a midnight dinner of chocolate chip cookies, vanilla ice cream and Pepsi, I went back to finish my school assignment.

Shortly before 9:00 pm, I heard the “blip” on my phone telling me that I had a new message. It informed me that my delivery order had been cancelled by Amazon.

My distractions have their own distractions

I knew what had happened. It was the same thing that had happened the last two times I went grocery shopping. Amazon Prime tried charging my old bank card. I thought I had updated it (twice) before.

I rushed back online in the futile hope that I could rush through and reorder my groceries with my new bank card and still make the cutoff. Of course, I didn’t make it. I would be left either ordering from Door Dash again or resigning myself to a dinner of pumpkin seeds, chocolate, and Sweet Tarts.

I was angry at myself and the disheveled disorder I had made of my life as I deleted the five now expired or defunct credit cards from my Amazon Prime account, leaving my new bank card as their only option the next time I ordered groceries.

It was near 10:00 pm when I got back to my school assignment. Luckily, I still had two hours before this assignment was due. I finished early at 11:30 pm, with half an hour to spare.

I send my assignment off for submission and, firmly embracing my ability to live in denial, congratulated myself on my organizational skills.

De Nile isn’t solely in Egypt

It was then that I heard a loud moan of disapproval coming from an unopened cardboard box leaning against the wall in my living room. I wondered to myself if there was a small animal somehow still alive in the sealed box which had been holding up the wall for the last two weeks.

A secondary rhythmic sing-songy moan struck me as sounding an awful lot like the horn section from Paul Simon’s song “Call Me Al.” That, and a strong desire to avoid the noises coming from the box, inspired me to turn on the radio for a few minutes. I needed to put my mind at ease with some music while simultaneously avoiding work and the strange noise from the box.

I use my TV for all things musical, so I flipped through several appearances of the words “Echo”, “Alex”, and “Amazon” before landing on the 80s station which was playing Allison by Elvis Costello.

“Allison, my aim is true.”

The words drifted across my mind. “What’s with all the Al’s crossing my path?” I thought to myself. The 80s station followed Alison with “The Killing Moon” by Echo and the Bunnymen.

“And Echoes,” I thought to myself. Strange. I shrugged and unlocked my phone to play one game of trivia before resigning myself to the most dreaded task of the day which I had been actively avoiding, checking my work email.

A serendipitous game of trivia

Who was the Greek ruler known for conquering Persia? Alexander the Great.

What do you call the phenomenon where a sound gets repeated, reflected back at you? An Echo.

Which president has a current popular musical about him? Alexander Hamilton.

What storehouse of information in Egypt was famously burnt to the ground? The Library of Alexandria.

What sense do bats use to determine the distance and location of objects? Echolocation.

What’s the name of the world’s largest rain forest? The Amazon.

“What’s with these questions?” I thought to myself.

I shook my head and put down my trivia game. I flipped past Amazon Prime on my TV as I turned it off, resigning myself to check my work email.

As I went back to my computer, with the trivia game fresh in my mind, I wondered to myself, “I wonder how much having an Alexa can help with trivia.”

I sat down and clicked on Firefox to open my browser. Before going to Outlook to check my work email, I started doing a little research on Amazon’s Alexa.

Even paranoid agoraphobics should keep an open mind

I had several preconceived notions already running through my mind: I bet it costs about $300 bucks. There’s probably a monthly subscription. It will probably spy on me just like the NSA and FBI.

“Finally!” came the voice from the unopened cardboard box in the living room.

This time I recognized it. It was the familiar voice of my unnamed spirit guide. He’s not always here, or at least, I can’t always hear him or make out what he’s trying to communicate to me.

Then, the penny dropped. He had been bashing me over the head trying to communicate Alex Echo to me for several hours.

“That’s interesting,” I thought. “I don’t recall any of my spirits guides ever supporting capitalism much less Orwellian surveillance and mind control before.”

Then the following thought crossed my mind, “You know, if I get an Echo Alexa, I bet the government will spy on me less than they do now.”

“Think of how much easier it will be for them just to listen in on the conversations in the house instead of having to fire up all that expensive mind monitoring equipment they’re using now.”

Suddenly, Alexa didn’t sound so terrifying.

“Watch,” I said to myself, “there’s probably a brand new release that just came out yesterday or something.”

Intriguing coincidence?

My ‘duckduckgo’ search (I try not to use Google for obvious reasons) confirmed my suspicions: the new Amazon Echo Dot Generation 4 complete with Alexa had, in fact, been released today.

Even better, there’s no monthly subscription and it’s under $100 bucks.

I promptly thanked my spirit guide, naming him Echo Whalesong in the process and proceeded to purchase a brand new Echo Generation 4 complete with my favorite government spy and future girlfriend, Alexa.

I sat back satisfied that soon my life will be more organized than I can possibly fathom right now.

“I hope I still have a job tomorrow,” I thought, “ I’m going to need one to support my new and improved, well-organized trivia master Yuppie (do we still use that word?) lifestyle.”

It is thanks to the efforts of Echo Whalesong and the support of the spirit world that I might even hold this job for a whole year! That’d truly be something to be amazed about.