Summary

A trans woman recounts a profound spiritual experience where she met a feminine divine entity after her soul left her body, which contradicted her fundamentalist evangelical upbringing and gave her hope and acceptance as her authentic self.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of a transcendent experience that occurred during a moment of intense despair in her childhood. At a young age, she grappled with her gender identity, which conflicted with her religious indoctrination and the expectations of her fundamentalist evangelical family. Despite excelling in religious activities, she struggled with her true identity and prayed fervently for a change in her physical body. During an emotional plea to God, she describes her soul leaving her body and encountering a nurturing, feminine divine presence within a pinkish cloud. This encounter, which she perceived as unconditional acceptance and love, stood in stark contrast to her religious teachings and gave her a sense of peace and joy. After returning to her body, she found her physical form unchanged but was forever transformed by the experience. The author reflects on this event as a pivotal moment that sustained her through decades of living as a male in a patriarchal Christian world before she could openly embrace her feminine identity. She invites readers to embrace the mystery of her experience and acknowledges its role in her survival and transition to living authentically.

Opinions

The author's religious upbringing was at odds with her gender identity, causing significant distress.
She felt that her true self was not aligned with her physical body and longed for a transformation.
The divine entity encountered was perceived as feminine and nurturing, contrasting with the patriarchal God of her religious teachings.
The experience provided a sense of unconditional love and acceptance that was absent from her life up to that point.
The author views her encounter as a gift that offered hope and a reason to continue living despite the challenges of her gender identity.
She believes that the entity she met could represent the wholeness of her own soul or a re-experience of the unconditional love within the womb.
The author values the mystery of her experience over a need to explain or define it, suggesting a personal spirituality beyond conventional religious contexts.
She encourages others to follow her publication and share their own stories, indicating a desire to create a community of understanding and support for those with similar experiences.

My Soul Left My Body & I Met God

What happened was totally contrary to my religious indoctrination

When I insisted at age three that I was a girl, my mother assured me that little girls don’t have penises. I screamed back, “Of course, little girls can have a penis! I have one!” My mother then went to see a counselor who told her my gender confusion was just a brief phase and to do nothing more than tell me it had to be a secret.

Because I was forbidden to be my authentic self, I threw myself into being the perfect child, which included excelling in everything to do with church. My family was ensconced in fundamentalist evangelicalism. I had relatives on both parent’s sides who were pastors, Sunday school teachers, and missionaries.

I learned everything I could about the religion and was praised for my verse memorization, speed at Bible drills, and overall zeal. It was an escape that allowed me to fly under the anti-LGBT radar of my family and associates. Of course, what I really loved the most was reading books with female protagonists, like Nancy Drew, the Wizard of Oz, and stories about princesses.

Each night, I implored God to fix my body. I fantasized constantly about all the ways my real body would reveal itself. I hoped I’d wake up from a coma and be a girl or that I’d find some zipper or hole that would allow me to remove the boy's skin and let the real me be revealed.

Puberty was the worst thing that ever happened. I was horrified, especially with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be getting my period and growing breasts. By then, I was reading Judy Bloom’s Dear God, It’s Me, Margaret, repeatedly. I was obsessed and in anguish.

My prayers became almost violent in their fervency. One afternoon, I was lying on my bed. I began telling God that I either needed to turn into a girl or I would end my life. I was serious.

My one-sided conversation continued. Tears were flowing. I could not be ignored, even by God.

Suddenly, my soul broke free from my body. I believed at that moment that I had died. As I rose, I saw my body motionless on the bed. My view of things was 360 degrees. I passed through the ceiling, through the attic, through the roof, and could see the tops of trees all around as I continued skyward.

At the same time, I could see the blue sky and clouds, as well as the tops of houses, the streets, and my neighborhood. I continued rising until I popped through Earth’s sky. It became dark despite a million stars in the distance.

A nebulous pinkish cloud appeared. I rose until I was enveloped by it. I finally stopped and was in an open space within the cloud.

I was not alone.

I could not see the entity I had just encountered, but It comforted me. I knew this was the entity that was the “God” I had been praying to. To my surprise, the energy was feminine. It was nurturing, knowing, and wholly (holy) accepting.

There were no words, not from me nor Her. I basked in Her love. What she poured into me was beyond language. I was at peace, and it seemed like an eternity passed.

If this was heaven, it completely differed from what I had envisioned. It was more, much more.

The pure joy erupted within me. All I could do was laugh. As I laughed, She did too. I was where I wanted to be forever.

Nothing needed to be explained. I had no questions and no concerns. Nothing mattered. I was the real me, enmeshed within the real God.

The sequence eventually reversed. I emerged from the cloud and descended. Through the sky, into Earth’s atmosphere, then towards my city and my neighborhood. I passed through the roof and back into my room.

I returned to my body and gasped. I laid there a long time, still consumed with joy. Finally, I reached down. I fully expected my body to be female. Tragically, my body did not change.

I don’t remember telling anyone back then. No one would have believed me, and they would have mocked this magical event that was the most wonderful thing ever. I treasured it in my heart.

Most notably, what I experienced did not in any way make sense within the religious context that I returned to. The thought of God having a distinctly feminine energy would have been heresy to everyone in my life.

I continued playing the part of a male in a Patriarchal Christian world. Secretly, I contemplated what great truth had been revealed to me.

Decades passed. I outlived and overcame the unhealthy parts of my family and upbringing. I finally began presenting outwardly as my authentic feminine self.

Over the years, I’ve tried to make sense of this seminal event. I’ve thought maybe in my anguish, my spirit re-experienced the unconditional love within the womb. Most recently, it has occurred to me that maybe the entity that I encountered was the wholeness of my own full soul.

Either way, I don’t need to figure it out. The best path is to embrace the mystery. It was what it was. When it happened, I was seriously contemplating ending my life. I don’t think I would have survived if I had not been given that great gift.

My experience with the Divine continues to sustain me.

I am a trans woman, author, and former attorney and pastor. I’ve had an amazing life and look forward to telling you many more poignant and amazing stories. Please follow me and consider buying me a beverage by clicking here. Thank you.

Please follow this Publication, Beyond Religion: Soul Journeys and submit your own story. Just ask in the comments, and you will be added as a writer. Thank you.