My Social Justice Proverb
Why some people cannot pull themselves up by the bootstraps, and how I did

May I never be so comfortable in the world that I believe everyone has an equal opportunity to thrive. May I never be so happy that I can’t understand the misery of others. May I never be so confident with my intellect that I think I have all the answers.
This isn’t the serenity prayer. It’s my social justice proverb.
Positive psychology, gratitude exclamations, and affirmation overdose are toxic when used as excuses to hold onto a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. Too often, society ignores the struggles of victims trying to reclaim their lives. I don’t want to be one of those people.
Earning My Wings
I’ve written five books, and have traveled much of the world. I have an ivy league education, and my husband and I both have Ph.Ds. My family takes international vacations every year.
This was not my life trajectory as an African American child born into poverty in the early 1960s. I was born into a family of six older siblings and an absent father. International travel wasn’t even a part of my imagination. My world was limited to church, school, the concrete playground, and one-week summer trips to visit my grandparents in the south.
I am not an anomaly. I am a witness.
My parents reconciled their eight-year breakup that began while my mother was still pregnant with me. I remember meeting my father for the first time when I was seven years old. By then, I had already experienced my first sexual abuse.
I have more accumulated adverse experiences than most people with my achievements. I have more successes than most people with no adverse experiences. I am not an anomaly. I am a witness. Anyone can make it with the right support, and no one succeeds without some support.
Born Without Boots
My life could be much different, considering my past. I’m sometimes asked for my secret to success, given my harsh background. However, no one ever asks how I came to have so many adverse experiences.
I was victimized by more than individuals. As a deprived inner-city child born less than a decade after desegregation, systemic oppression targeted me long before my brother did. Although times have changed, systemic oppression of race and gender still has a significant influence on wealth and opportunity.
The powerlessness that comes with a lack of opportunity makes environments vulnerable to an array of dysfunction. However, the privileged tend to judge the dysfunctional responses while supporting the systemic powerlessness.
We blame the disenfranchised for interfering with the progress of the country even though they are the most powerless within the system. For example, we complain about the welfare system that supports the poor, but ignore the cost of bankruptcy that the wealthy are privy to, including unpaid debt for higher education loans.
The powerlessness that comes with a lack of opportunity makes environments vulnerable to an array of dysfunction.
Perhaps we bully those who have less than we do because we have access to them. They are made visible to us. We get to intrude and participate in decisions about their lives. We can call the police when they make us uncomfortable, vote against their interest, insult, and assault them without discretion. They are too powerless to respond with anything other than indignation.
Despite the emerging field of epigenetics, we claim that people should pull themselves up by their bootstrap no matter the circumstance. Epigenetics informs us that the environment is the bootstrap. I started out in life without boots or straps. So that principle did not work for many people around me, nor me. Everyone lived in survival mode.
When Gate Keepers Open the Gates
My senior year in high school, a counselor whom I had never met, and a math teacher whom I adored facilitated my higher education journey. A school that was 99% African American had very few ivy league applicants in 1980. When I got accepted to Cornell University, my mentors made sure I had a way to attend and succeed.
I didn’t change. But how the world saw me changed.
I was not the smartest student in my graduating class. There were eight others with higher grade point averages. They applied to in-state schools only because no one encouraged them to do otherwise.
Even after getting accepted, Cornell University was not my first choice. My teacher and counselor put a lot of pressure on me to go. They had uncomfortable social justice conversations with me about race and opportunity, as they were both white.
My teacher remained close in my life until after I graduated, and my career took off. I graduated in four years and finally earned my bootstraps. I didn’t change. But how the world saw me changed.
As the youngest of seven children, I was the first and only to go to a four-year college. No one in my family knew how to write a resume or apply for jobs out of state, or to graduate school. But, I had no problem finding a succession of mentors with my ivy league degree.
Divergent Paths
My best friend, who graduated third in our high school class, dropped out of college after our sophomore year. She could not afford tuition. We were slated to be roommates at Penn State before my mentors re-routed me to Cornell University with a full scholarship.
My friend married a police officer and was murdered by him before we turned 35. He had never been physically abusive, only unfaithful. At the time of her demise, my husband and I were working on our Ph.Ds. while homeschooling our two children.
The difference between my best friend and me was some twisted combination of fate, luck, and circumstance. In any competition of brilliance or hard work, she would have won. I wish society had more empathy for people whose bootstraps are cut in the middle of their climb.
All Roads Lead Home
I give back to humanity because I believe the world can change, and I am a part of the change. For ten years, I’ve been holding space for survivors by writing for and engaging with them daily. I’ve never earned a dime from my work with survivors. But, the potential to change the world is priceless.
I am aware that rules are made either to let people in or to keep people out. So, I pay attention to who is being kept out, and who is being advantaged by being let in. I do not take for granted the privileged spaces where I have been let in.
Being Misunderstood
Systemic powerlessness, environmental dysfunction, and individual targeting for maltreatment vary life outcomes among all humans and subgroups. I find that people are inconsistent in their offering of empathy to the negative variances. Some people who support the argument for racial reparations to rebuild the African American community do not support my work with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse from a feminist perspective.
Adult survivors are overwhelmingly female and are four times more likely to be targeted for sexual and domestic violence. As a subgroup, they are less educated and earn significantly less money throughout their lives than other adults.
Fortunately, my husband went to therapy with me while we were still dating in my late twenties. He also encouraged me to earn my Ph.D. He dreamed of us being a dual-degree family from the time we were married. Even he, at times, has struggled to show adequate support for my healing journey.
We are not willing to understand the problems that we are not ready to help change.
Brilliant women who commit their lives to dismantling the patriarchy make illogical and insensitive arguments that maintain race privilege. They justify police shootings of unarmed citizens by citing a lack of cooperation. They cannot see the similarity to blaming women for their rape based on their clothing or sobriety at the time.
Perhaps we inherently know that empathy requires action. We are not willing to understand the problems that we are not ready to help change. I am forever indebted to all those who have understood and supported my life journey. I repay them by never assuming that my hard work was more important than their support.
I will never be so comfortable in the world that I believe everyone has an equal opportunity to thrive. I will never be so happy that I can’t understand the misery of others. I will never be so confident with my intellect that I think I have all the answers. This is my social justice proverb.
References:
Bakari, R. (2019). Microaggression: Foul and Harm. Medium. https://readmedium.com/microaggression-foul-harm-3267633cbfee.
Bakari, R. (2020). Intersectionality and the Rift Between Black Women and Men Over Sexual Violence. Medium. https://readmedium.com/intersectionality-and-the-rift-between-black-women-and-men-over-sexual-violence-8c6ad78f2dc9.
