My Single Parent Household Drove Me to Toxic Masculinity

Single-parent households are becoming more common in today’s world. The western family structure is beginning to break down, and has been breaking down for years now. Data shows us that since the 1960s, both the United States and the United Kingdom have seen rises in single-parent households.

Single-parent households are amongst some of the most vulnerable in all societies. And With women heading the majority of single-parent households. It is even harder.

I have been a victim of a single-parent household. Now I am not saying I do not have a great mum, but my childhood could have been better. I appreciate her very much. She worked extremely hard to give me the best she could, and I will always be indebted to her hard work for raising me.

After meeting my father in St. Lucia at the age of fifteen, she believed it was love. Unfortunately for them, I came along. Coming from a conservative Christian home in the Caribbean left my mum in a difficult position. She could not abort the baby, and her parents wanted her out because they felt shamed by her.

She managed to find herself in the United Kingdom with my great grandmother. Who would soon become my primary parent as my mother finished school. Although courageous and strong, my mum was still a sixteen-year-old with little understanding of the world.

My mum is a wonderful woman, but that is not the point here. Hardly anyone would entrust a child to a sixteen-year-old, but that was my reality. My mum made some terrible mistakes with me as I was a child. And it is only now I see the negative effects of those mistakes.

Some of these mistakes led me to toxic masculinity, and my environment made me susceptible to it.

Be Better Than Your Dad

As a child, my mum would not mention my dad often. But whenever she did, it was always in a negative light. He was either a coward, not supportive or did not love me. These negative connotations around my father pushed me to do my best to not be like him.

But, I did not know what that meant as a young boy growing up. I had never had children of my own, and I was still trying to understand what it meant to be a man because I had no role models. My mothers anger towards my father grew on me. The pain of not having a father led me to hatred for him.

Besides, I believed it was all his fault. The reason why I grew up in poverty or had poor grades at school was all because of him. At the age of ten, I remember crying myself to sleep in anger that all the other kids seemed to have great fathers. Yet, I was left with a father I had to become better than.

I was too young to think about how scared he may have been. Or how hard it was to tell his parents that he is going to be a dad. And these thoughts did not cross my mother’s mind also. She was still hurt and in pain from the whole situation.

So, through pain and much anger, I found myself trying my best to be better than my dad in all the ways I knew I could. From my perspective, it appeared that my father was a weak lowlife. He could not take responsibility for his actions, and he could not support my mum in any way.

I remember my mum telling me that he only sent £100 for me to live on for 18 years. My childhood self was thinking, “What a broke idiot.” Not realising that he was probably only 17 at the time.

So, as a young child, I put it upon myself to be the best man I could be. And no child should be thinking like this at all. The pressure is way too great, and the stakes are too high. Yet, I had no choice. I had to prove to my mum that I could be better than the man she hated so much. Little did I know, I was turning into a toxic person.

As a child, I was poorly behaved in school, hard to talk too and unteachable. I hated being told what to do because I wanted to be my own man. In my head, school was a waste of time. I needed to start earning money as soon as possible and not be broke like my father. My competitive nature also developed at an early stage in my schooling career. I hated losing because my dad was a loser.

My life goal as a child became very clear. Do not be like your dad, and most importantly, be better than him. Can you see how this could lead to toxic masculine traits?

I had to learn that we should aim to better than our parents, but our drive should not be hatred and pain. When we are driven by hatred, we can never be satisfied. My drive was not coming from me, but coming from hate towards my father. And as long as that hate remained, I would continue to suffer in my pursuits to be better than him.

Never Show Weakness

From a child, I began to associate all negative traits with my father. But weakness was probably the biggest one. There was a school bully called Conor in my school. He was slightly bigger than all the other kids and had a very arrogant attitude.

He was always getting in trouble for picking on one of the kids or inflicting physical pain on someone. Teachers did their best to make sure that Conor and I never clashed. They knew if that happened, the school would probably come burning down. Unfortunately, the teachers failed in their attempts.

Conor was holding the door open for everyone, and I said thankyou whilst I walked through. But then he stuck his leg out and tripped me up. Now, most kids would scream, “Miss!! Conor just kicked me!” But I had to show everyone that I was bigger and better. I could never tell a teacher I was upset. That was a display of weakness and something my father would probably do.

So, at that moment, I did what I knew best. I sized up to him, and a massive fight broke out. That day my mum decided to remove me from the school. I got in massive trouble with my mum, and she was in tears asking me to please behave. But I did not care. In my head, I was better than Conor. I showed strength, not weakness.

It took me until the age of 16 to cry when I was upset. Whenever I felt upset with something, I would soak it all up and repeat the words, “don’t cry.” These toxic masculine traits were being shown in me between the ages of five and ten. And I was nowhere near manhood.

It took me years to realise that it is okay for a man to show weakness. And that it is fine to be upset. Also, it is okay to cry sometimes and you are not a girl if you do so.

I found that true masculinity is having the courage to express your emotions and not to hide them. The hardest pill I had to swallow was that my father was not weak, but he was just a vulnerable teenager. Just like my mother, he had no clue what to do, and I wouldn’t either.

Be The Provider

When my mother moved into our small flat in London, she needed a lot of help. She was all by herself trying to juggle university, a job and looking after me. Without much support, my mum relied on me heavily to help her as much as I could. That meant making breakfast for both of us or cleaning the small apartment sometimes.

I realised very quickly that my mum was overworked, underpaid and struggling. As her only child, I figured it was my job to get her out of all of this. I wanted to provide for her in a way my dad never could.

My only role models of masculinity were Superman and Batman. We could not afford a TV for a while. But when I went to my friend’s house, I was able to watch the episodes. They always seemed to be saving the day or a vulnerable lady in trouble. As a child, I internalised this as me needing to be my mother’s superhero.

I could see how hard she worked to put a meal on the table for me, often going without a meal for herself. So, it was my role to be her superhero and be a provider for her. From that point, my view of masculinity was very narrow and rigid. I needed to get a high paying job and be a provider for my future family and mother.

This narrow view led me to neglect my own safety needs and support. Because Superman and Batman appeared to never be weak, I figured I had to do the same. As a man, it was my duty to protect, not to be protected.

But, it came as a shock to me to realise I was so wrong. The reality is I am a human first, male second. And humans need support, love, care and protection no matter what their gender.

Closing Thoughts

Over the past years, I have seen a fight against toxic masculinity from society. And I believe it is a good thing. It is helping men realise the true meaning of masculinity. Not to mention improving the way women are viewed in the world also.

However, sometimes people are insensitive to those who may suffer from toxic views. This is why I wrote this article. I want people to know that toxic masculinity, in most cases, is not something men choose to do.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances, many men are roped into this way of thinking. I still struggle with some toxic traits which I need to unlearn from my childhood. Not all men who are toxic do it out of spite or ignorance. Some men are hurting and are in pain, with toxic masculinity being their only way out.

Instead of completely shutting down people with these views, we need to make more time to understand them. Learn why they think like this and why their views are different.

Hopefully, this article has shed some light on the subject. And given you an alternate view of toxic masculinity.