Summary

The author reflects on his high school experience, regretting not pursuing a romantic relationship with a girl named Esther due to his shyness and insecurities, and how this memory stayed with him into adulthood.

Abstract

The author recounts a missed opportunity with Esther, a girl he was attracted to in high school. Despite their mutual flirtation and the chance to connect at a movie and at work, his fear and lack of confidence prevented him from making a move. This inaction led to a moment of confrontation and ultimately a lost connection. Years later, social media reconnected them, but Esther did not remember him, reinforcing his regret. The author emphasizes the importance of self-confidence and taking action to avoid such regrets, sharing his personal growth and eventual success in relationships after overcoming his insecurities in his fifties.

Opinions

The author believes that his insecurities about weight and learning disabilities held him back from pursuing romantic interests in high school.
He acknowledges that his inaction and failure to make the first move hurt Esther's feelings.
The author suggests that self-esteem issues are often perpetuated by the labels and beliefs we accept from others.
He advises others to act on their feelings and not let fear dictate their actions, as life is too short for regrets.
The author reflects on the importance of self-love and the impact of negative self-talk, particularly during the challenging teenage years.
He encourages people to be proactive in their interactions with others, especially those they are interested in romantically.

My Shyness in High School Led To One of My Greatest Regrets

High school wasn’t fun at all

Photo by Daisa TJ: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-with-closed-eyes-standing-near-rowanberry-tree-3812830/

It was a weekend night at Yokota Air Force Base in Fussa, Japan. Like a lot of high school kids, I went to the Base Theatre to see a movie. I purchased my ticket and turned to get in line. That’s when I saw her.

Her name was Esther. Like me, she was overweight. She was different from me in that she never seemed to have a problem getting a date.

We got along great. What was my problem?

We often talked and flirted when we saw each other in the smoking area at school. I was obtuse and stunted, I never dated, and I was mostly interested in beer and cigarettes but I was obsessed like all teenage boys with girls, I felt the chemistry, but I was too chicken to do anything about it. Things heated up when Esther got a job bussing tables at the Non-Commissioned Officers Club where I was a dishwasher.

We would laugh and tease each other having a good time on the job. I had strong feelings for her and it was obvious she was digging me as well.

What was I afraid of? I have no clue

I saw Esther as she walked to the ticket window alone. A few yards separated us. I went inside the theatre and took a seat. I saw Esther sit down on the other side of the theatre.

“ Get off your ass Lawson,” I screamed to myself. I don’t know what my problem was. I was a senior in high school and I never dated. I was insecure about my weight and my learning disabilities. Girls obsessed me.

I was too scared to get off my ass to go sit with her

I didn’t have the confidence to do anything about it. I sat rooted in the seat damned near having a stroke or a heart attack as my inner coward won the war.

I enjoyed the movie and went straight home alone afterward. I put it behind me. I somehow forgot about losing the inner war. I saw Esther a few nights later at work.

Esther was not happy at all, and she made that clear

She brought a tray of dishes back and slammed them on the counter, throwing the silverware down the shoot where a tub of water was waiting.

She went back to the dining room before I could talk to her. When I had the chance I completed the loop of cluelessness by asking Esther if she enjoyed the movie.

I asked if she enjoyed the movie, really?

She slammed the tray she was carrying down on the counter. “I thought it sucked,” she snapped. She looked me in the eyes and took a breath. “You know, guys are supposed to make the first move.”

She turned around and stormed off. I turned around and kicked something and turned the air blue with my curses. I didn’t have the confidence or sense enough to salvage the situation.

She got her revenge years later

Esther and I never got together. That would have been the end of the story if it wasn’t for Facebook. They say that revenge is best served cold. I got what was coming to me.

Thirty-something years later, I got a message on Facebook from my brother. He had graduated from high school a year early and went on to get two bachelor’s degrees.

My family loved Japan, and my brother was able to go back

He and his family were living in Japan at the time. My brother told me that Esther was on Facebook. I sent her a friend request. “ Do I know you?” she asked.

I told her that we knew each other in Yokota, Japan. She said she didn’t remember me and she didn’t accept my friend request. I have to admit I was disappointed.

The disappointment was tempered by my sense of humor and philosophic attitude. “ I had it coming.” I thought to myself. I never thought of Esther again.

I was a late starter, but I made up for lost time

The funny thing? The shyness and insecurity didn’t leave until I was living alone for the first time in my life. I was in my fifties. “ This is bullshit,” I told myself.

I was working the midnight shift as a security guard in Florida. I started answering personal ads. I was meeting people and going on dates.

I thought more than once, “I wish my confidence was this high when I was in high school.” I have many regrets in my life. I regret accepting the labels that my family and teachers gave me.

I have made mistakes, and I have let myself down

I regret not studying as hard as I should have in high school. I regret a lot of things. I’m sixty-three years old, and I still am upset with myself because Esther waited for me to make the first move.

I didn’t make the first move and that hurt her. I will always feel bad about that. I’m married now, and it’s a good marriage. I met the woman I married on Facebook.

Esther would get a kick out of it, but she doesn’t remember me at all

The Esther I remember would laugh her ass off knowing she lived in my head for years. I hope she found a good man. I hope she has had and continues to have, a good life.

I will close this story with some heartfelt advice. Watch what you tell yourself. You’re not as fat, dumb, and undesirable as you think you are.

Talk to her, ask her out, because life is too short for regrets

If you enjoy being around her, talk to her. I promise she will not bite. If you can talk to her around other people you can talk to her on a date.

If your heart tells you to approach her, for God’s sake get off your ass and do it. Life is too long to live with regrets. I let my insecurities and low self-esteem rule my life and it didn’t have to be that way.

Final Thought:

The teenage years can be terrible. I had struggles with self-esteem because of my weight. I also had horrible acne and I was in Special Ed because of learning disabilities.

I could have overcome those if I had watched the words I told myself.

Love who you are. Get out and meet people. Talk to her because she’s waiting for you to make the first move.

Live a life with no regrets.