My Relationship With Sleep (or Lack Thereof)

How I fought my insomnia and won

My parents always tell me I was the worst baby.

From the day they brought me home, they say I never stopped crying. The only time that I did was when I was being held by one of them. I would cry and cry, day and night, barely sleeping at all.

Years later, not much had changed. I was a young child struggling to fall asleep every night. I struggled with feelings of anxiety whenever bedtime would approach, as I knew what was to come. It was a constant cycle of me trying to sleep, not being able to, throwing a tantrum, then getting yelled at by my parents. Nobody was able to sleep because of me and nobody knew how to help me. And this happened every single night until I would fall asleep a few hours before I had to be up for school.

It’s not fair. Why can they all fall asleep and I can’t?

I would struggle with feelings of guilt (for keeping my family awake), jealousy (for not being able to fall asleep like they could), and anger (at my body for not letting me sleep).

I would complain of constant headaches due to lack of sleep and had permanent bags under my eyes. I remember my vision completely blacking out a couple of times in class when I was around eleven years old. These were terrifying times.

This continued until I reached high school. I started going through puberty at this time and was actually able to sleep. I started sleeping a lot, mostly on weekends, but I was almost as tired during the day as I had been when I barely slept.

Then came adulthood. My insomnia came back, however only in phases. I could go a couple of months sleeping very well, then a couple months where I would wake up multiple times in the night due to nightmares, then a couple of months where I could barely fall asleep at all.

It was exhausting. Mentally and physically. In the months where I would sleep well, I would still be in a constant worry that my insomnia would return. Then when it did, I was devastated. I was as angry as I had been as a child, jealous of everyone else who was able to sleep.

I decided that something had to change. I had to figure out how to help myself.

I determined that my one of my largest issues was overthinking. My brain never stopped.

What do I have to do tomorrow? Am I prepared for that meeting? Remember that conversation I had today? Ugh, why did I say that? I should have said this instead. Did I remember to lock the door? I should go check. What if someone breaks in?

The thoughts were endless.

My other large issue was my fear of being tired. I would worry that if I didn’t fall asleep before a certain time, I would be so tired the next day. When it would take me long to fall asleep, I would start to panic.

So how could I fix these issues?

1. Meditation

This is a lifesaver and what I would recommend to anyone that has any issues with sleep or stress. Meditation is my key to de-stressing and clearing my mind of the thoughts that clutter it before bed. Meditation reduces your heart rate, blood pressure, and increases your body’s production of melatonin and serotonin, which is are hormones that prepare your body for sleep. I’ll admit, it did seem silly to me the first couple of times I tried it, but I guarantee that it helps.

2. Stop sleeping in (even on the weekends)

My mindset was that if I’m not sleeping enough during the week, I’d make up for it on the weekends. I would sleep in on the weekends, sometimes until noon. This was a bad idea. It messed up my schedule and I was never able to fall asleep early on Sunday night, which would ruin me for Monday. Then I’d take a nap after work and restart the cycle. Not to mention, I have way more time to do things on the weekends now.

3. Invest in a weighted blanket

When I bought mine, I was willing to try anything. Weighted blankets are proven to reduce anxiety and lessen your chances of waking up during the night. From personal experience, I do think they help. I use mine when watching TV to calm down before bed, and when I’m sleeping as well.

4. Exercise during the day

This is another big one. I am not very active. I work an office job then come home and spend most of my time online, either writing on watching Netflix. Adding an hour, or even a half hour, of light exercise every day drastically improved my sleeping habits. Not only does sleep reduce anxiety, but it is also proven to increase your sleep time and your quality of sleep.

Final Thoughts

I do sleep much better and more consistently these days however, it’s not perfect. I still have nights where I am constantly checking the clock and I still wake up tired on many mornings. However, I am nowhere close to where I used to be. Fixing my sleeping habits has improved my quality of life. I am happier, more patient, and the bags under my eyes have faded. I am more confident and productive. I know that I will have bad nights, but I also know that they will come and go. I know that not sleeping for one night is not the end of the world. And I know that everything will be okay.