My Relationship Changed When I Started Doing These 5 Small Things
Be the change you wish to see in your relationship.
Do you ever feel like you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining your own?
Oftentimes in a relationship that’s going south, people like to blame the other individual for the problems rather than taking a step back and analyzing the picture as a whole.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years now, and there were a lot of things I did wrong at the start of our relationship. As time has progressed, we’ve both learned a lot.
However, I can confidently say that it wasn’t until I started making changes within myself that our relationship started blossoming. With that being said, here are a few things that have been helping me in my journey towards having a happy, healthy, and successful relationship with my partner.
I started focusing on myself more.
I’ve always been incredibly independent and introverted, but when I started dating my boyfriend, it felt natural to share everything.
I stopped doing things I used to do when I lived alone, and it wasn’t necessarily intentional, but at times I found myself missing my alone life because I valued everything I did in my own solitude. I also realized that if I was feeling this way, he probably was too.
It wasn’t anything drastic; it was little stuff. I missed having self-care days and going to workout classes alone. I missed getting lost in a good novel and staying up till 3 am to finish it.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of your personal interests and have them blend in with your partners. It’s not a bad thing — when your partner is your best friend, you tend to do most things, well — together.
Instead of watching TV together every single night, I started reading a few nights per week before bed, and this actually encouraged him to start reading too.
I started scheduling self-care appointments like facials, mani&pedi’s, taking yoga classes, and things of that nature that don’t exactly interest him but are highly enjoyable for me.
In addition, by adding alone time into your relationship, the quality time you end up having with your partner becomes that much more special.
“Take a step back and start focusing on yourself. Take one day per week to yourself. You will find that the time apart will bring you closer and keep the relationship fresh. You will also have more to talk about when you are together if you experience new hobbies or spend time with friends.” — Relationship Expert Jennifer Seiter.
Instead of waiting for him to make plans, I started arranging dates and special outings.
After a few months of dating, I realized my boyfriend wasn’t exactly the best at planning things.
At first, I tried to change him in this aspect. I wanted him to be that guy who always had an idea for what we should do, but the truth is, we’re both incredibly indecisive, so I couldn’t really expect him to have grand plans for our date nights when it takes me hours to decide on what cuisine I want to have.
My girlfriend complained to me one day over brunch about how her partner never plans anything but complains about how they don’t do anything, and the thought hit me:
“What if we just started taking the reigns and made the plans ourselves? Why wait for them to come up with a date night idea when at the end of the day, we’ll probably dislike their ideas and come up with one of our own?”
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years now, and every now and then, he plans a fun outing for us, but I usually plan date night plans, and honestly, it’s easier on the both of us — and I genuinely love planning where we end up going.
I’ll initiate intimacy.
You don’t always have to wait for your partner to be the one to initiate sex or intimacy — some guys like it when you make the first move.
I used to believe guys always had to make the first move — but being in a relationship has shown me that not only is it fun to be the seducer at times, but your partner will love it.
Upon doing some research, I learned that a primary reason behind why women don’t make the first move is because women don’t often feel desire until they’re already aroused.
Dr. Nicole Prause, a sex psychophysiologist and neuroscientist and who studies arousal and orgasms, says,
“Women just have fewer internal cues telling them ‘hey, you are having a little sexual response to that, think you might want to have sex?’ Men often feel desire first and then get aroused. For women, it’s the opposite. Often, women don’t feel desire until they’re already aroused.”
Also, initiating intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Intimacy is about love, bonding, closeness, and ultimately making your partner feel appreciated, wanted, and desired.
Wrapping your arms around your partner while they’re doing something, rubbing their shoulders while they’re working, kissing their cheek when you’re waiting in line for coffee — these are all small acts of intimacy that can make your partner feel good.
“If you forget to touch your partner every day, the passion in the relationship dwindles to nothing, leaving each of you feeling unloved, unnoticed, unattractive, and unwanted, thus causing arguments and frustrations.” — Jessica Storey.
I try to add romance into our daily life.
My partner is a bit of a workaholic, and that has affected our relationship many times.
When you first start dating someone, love envelops you. You’re constantly thinking about your person and putting everything else on the back-burner.
You’re going on dates, texting around the clock, constantly smiling, laughing, and showing up as your best self. As the relationship progresses, things tend to fall through the cracks.
My partner started working more, and while I know and love this part of him — it was still hard to be okay with being put on the back burner.
We fought several times about this, and eventually, I realized that he wasn’t putting us on the back-burner intentionally — he’s just the type of guy who grinds in his business, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Instead of complaining, I started voicing my needs and doing little things to add romance into our life again. I asked him to go on cute coffee shop dates during his breaks, or we’d take a 30-minute beach walk and chat about our individual work.
When he comes home in the evening, I’ll try and set the mood with candles, music, and sometimes I’ll cook his favorite meal.
It’s really the little things.
We both try not to put the blame on the other.
In Dr. Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, he says criticizing your partner is one of The Four Horsemen that predicts divorce.
Criticism attacks the core of a person’s character, while a complaint focuses on a specific behavior.
When we first started dating, I would constantly say things like, “You don’t do X,” and I’d always blame him for our arguments.
Psychologist Gwendolyn Seidman says using “I statements” alongside “behavior descriptions” will help you shift the focus from blaming your partner to showing them how you feel.
“If you can express your experience in a way that does not attack, criticize, or blame others, you are less likely to provoke defensiveness and hostility, which tends to escalate conflicts or have the other person shut down or tune you out, which tends to stifle communication.” — Francine Montemurro.
Instead of saying things like, “You never listen to me,” you could utilize a more constructive statement such as: “I feel like my concerns aren’t really being heard or seen. I feel a little neglected.”
I statements place the focus on how you feel rather than blaming your partner, and behavior descriptions focus on specific behaviors your partner is engaging in rather than a particular character flaw.
These tactics are direct, but they don’t impugn your partner’s character. At the end of a conflict, your partner won’t feel like you just punched them in the face over something you dislike or disagree on.
These are just a few of the things I’ve implemented in our relationship over the last few years.
Author Dr. Harriey Lerner says,
“If you don’t change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur. Change starts with you.”
Be the change you want to see in your relationship.