Satire
My Plan to Retire on my $1400 Stimulus Check by Living on Mitch McConnell’s Lawn
Time to kick back and enjoy my new-found wealth!
The American Rescue Act is passed and we’re finally getting our stimulus checks. For this unemployed 30-year-old renter, that means only one thing: I’ll never work again, suckers! With my pockets soon to be flush with $1400, here’s how I plan to retire in style.
Housing
Since I’m retiring young, it makes sense for me to downsize and focus on finding an excellent location. That’s why I’ll be living out my golden years in a REI Solo Tent, which I’ll purchase second-hand off of Craigslist, pitched on Mitch McConnell’s front lawn behind the rhododendrons.
Cost: $300
Medical Care
Early retirement means planning for health care, so I’m budgeting the most for this. It’s important to make sure you’re covered well into your old age, which is why I am buying 72 industrial sized bottles of aspirin. Those 4,567 doses should get me through my retirement or the next 11 years, whichever comes first.
Cost: $512- no shipping, I’ll pick it up myself
Entertainment
One word: binoculars. Since I’ll be stationed a close (but respectful) 15 yards from the McConnell-Chao house, I should easily be able to view the television in the den with a pair of field-glasses. I want to spring for the middle-tier birding binocs, so I can get the full 4K experience. Watching from afar is not only cost saving but necessary; Verizon’s service area ends over by the topiary bust of Reagan so Fios isn’t available in the tent. Plus, Mitch and I like all the same shows: QVC, Perry Mason, and the weather channel. There won’t be sound, but I like to write my own theme songs and hum along.
Cost: $60
Food
Eating out can get expensive, so instead of going to restaurants I’ll be taking my meals chez McConnell. Each evening I’ll don a different mustache and present myself as a dinner guest, knocking thrice upon the door and calling “Mitch, Mitch, open your fridge”. The McConnell’s have been cursed to feed any mustachioed visitor who arrives thusly to their fill. This is the root of the republican senator’s concern: Before I had $1400 I didn’t have the time or resources to come take advantage of this sorcery. Now? It’s dinner time, baby!
Cost: $50- for mustaches
Clothing
Not worried about it. Either Elaine Chao will grow fond of me and lend me one of her snazzy pant suits, or I’ll spend my time rollicking nude in the flowerbeds. Win-win.
Cost: $0
Transportation
I’ve always wanted to learn to skateboard, and now that I’m retired I finally have time! I’ll want to invest in a rad board, set aside a few dollars for wheel repairs, and purchase a rope and carabiner to attach myself to Mitch’s town car for longer trips. This is not a handout, as he’ll be able to use the carpool lane when I tag along.
Cost: $86
Pets
Companionship is vital in retirement, and as much as I’ll love my dinners with the McC’s I’ll want someone at home. Luckily, the yard is filled with critter friends who I’m sure will be more than happy to join me in my new casa. While taking in a wild animal is free, a responsible owner budgets for pet food, treats, and vet care. My first instinct is a squirrel, but something keeps making me think of turtles. It just feels right.
Cost: $380
“Phone”
Two cans and some string, just in case Mitch wants to set them up between our house/tent to chat.
Cost: $12
Taxes
I’ll be honest, I’m not planning on paying taxes. I know the McConnell’s will pay property tax, and since I’m retired I won’t have income anymore. I will still give back to my government though, by retrieving Mitch’s Wall Street Journal from his mailbox each morning and placing it gently on his front stoop.
Cost of early retirement: Priceless ($1400)