My Phone Makes Me Feel Increasingly Sick
I can’t bear this constant noise anymore.
It hit me right in the face. I realized that my phone was making feel increasingly sick.
I was trying to fall asleep, but it was one of these nights when my thoughts refuse to leave me alone. I would turn around and roll over in my bed, feeling like I couldn’t find any good position. Except it was my mind that wasn’t in a good position to sleep.
While my thoughts were wandering unimpeded, they suddenly focused on one thing. It hit me right in the face. I realized that my phone was making feel increasingly sick.
I’ve already discussed feeling something like a veil obstructing my sense of reality. As if I was here, conscious, but not entirely. The more I try to step into reality, the more I can feel this veil hampering my senses.
I refuse to live my life this way, half-in, half-out. I desperately want to step into reality. Not staying stuck in my head. I want to feel the world around me.
I tried being more mindful. I tried focusing on my breath. I tried meditating in due form. Everything helps, and at the same time, nothing helps.
The reason why just hit me. At least, a good part of the reason. With no possible doubt. My relationship with my phone is harmful.
Back when a phone was a phone
I wasn’t born with a phone in my hands (hopefully), like most of the kids nowadays. But I got my first phone back when I was 10. I was going to school far from my home town. I needed to call my mother at the end of the day so she could pick me up and let me know if she was late due to work.
Back then, a phone was still a phone. You could call someone, send and receive text messages, and play some snake kind of games. You couldn’t even store some music. It was limited to its purpose: communicating necessary information in a quick, simple way.
Once I got home, I would just leave it somewhere and forget about it until the next day.
I had several ones like this. There were times when I used it more. I texted my friends just for the sake of chatting, but nothing more than a handful of messages.
Then, phones became smart
When I held my first iPhone in my hands, it was like a little revolution. Suddenly, I no longer had to make complicated combinations with my fingers to compose — that’s the right word — text messages. The screen was tactile! During my whole childhood, I was taught not to put my fingers on screens, and suddenly I had the right to!
The design was appealing and well-thought-out. Everything was easy and, even more, entertaining. I would play games — real ones — takes photos, and listen to music.
My relationship with my phone remained however healthy. I still preferred my books.
[A small leap in time]
Now, we have Instagram, emails, Whats’app, and Messenger. That’s what I check the most when I unlock my phone. Sometimes, I just want to answer a text message, and as soon as I’m done, rather than putting my phone aside, my thumb takes control and opens an app on reflex. I then find myself checking things I don’t even care about.
I receive between 250 and 350 notifications a day. That’s more than 10 in an hour. You can double it, as I sleep at night, so it doesn’t count.
They mainly come from text messages. I love text messages. I love chatting with my friends and family, all day long.
But it’s making me sick. Inwardly sick.
Each time I check my phone, it makes me feel 20% of what you feel when you’re car-sick. It’s difficult to explain. My eyes hurt by focusing on a tiny screen too close to my nose. And I feel… disoriented. Out of reality. Out of touch with myself.
I’m even beginning to develop a certain apprehension every time I have to use it. And strangely enough, it doesn’t happen on other screens. This clearly shows that it’s not the screen that’s the problem, but the dimension in which I place myself when I use my phone.
“Adults in the US spend an average of 2–4 hours per day tapping, typing, and swiping on their devices — that adds up to over 2,600 daily touches.” — Trevor Haynes for Harvard University
An attempt to bring the silence back
Before going to bed, I put my phone on Airplane mode. Tonight, as I did it — yeah, I got up just to write this, I told you I couldn’t sleep — I suddenly felt my peace of mind coming back. You know, like when there’s constant background noise, something low, that you don’t even notice. Until it stops. As soon as it stops, you hear the silence. And you feel your ears being relieved.
I felt exactly the same. Suddenly, everything became calm again. Suddenly, I was left with myself, and myself only.
My theory is the following: every time I unlock my phone, I cut myself off from reality. I step into another world. I do this so frequently that I end up living almost entirely out of reality. Apart from a few windows on the reality that are the result of a lot of effort. Out of reality has become my default mode.
These unceasing solicitations disturb my peace of mind. Constantly interrupt my inner rhythm. Every time I receive one, I’m getting out of myself, even for a second. I can’t help but find myself in an external current. And every time, I have to start over the process of connecting with reality.
At the same time, these notifications put me in a waiting state. The notifications trigger the brain’s reward circuit. It becomes addictive. Receiving a message gives you some form of pleasure, and you end up constantly keeping an eye on your phone, even though you’re not expecting anything important.
“Dopamine is a chemical produced by our brains that plays a starring role in motivating behavior. It gets released when we take a bite of delicious food, when we have sex, after we exercise, and, importantly, when we have successful social interactions. […] Every notification, whether it’s a text message, a “like” on Instagram, or a Facebook notification, has the potential to be a positive social stimulus and dopamine influx.” — Trevor Haynes for Harvard University
The only solution would be to cut myself off from my phone for a while. Re-learning how to have a healthy relationship with it. Re-learning how to occupy myself without it. Stop taking it out of my pocket every time I’m left with idle time. Not checking my emails 20 times a day when I don’t need to.
I feel a constant temptation to check if I haven’t received something. Something that could fuel my reward circuit, add some spice to the hour.
I’ll start with a little experiment. Spending 48 hours with my phone off. I am now convinced that my phone is the source of many of the little discomforts I am currently experiencing. Let’s try to dry up the source.
I want to reconnect with myself. With my mind. With my thoughts. I want to listen to what they are whispering to my ear. And to hear them, I need to shut the constant noise.
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