Bad Customer Cervix

My Perverted Request Made Them Blush

And Run Away From Me

As a former dancer, (no — not THAT type of dancer — not that there’s anything wrong with it), I’m no stranger to pain. Those gravity-defying twists and turns in ballet and modern dance were a pain in the neck. Literally.

One remedy I’ve found is having a really firm pillow. Especially one that provides more of a solid support than my er…untrustworthy ex.

Ages ago, a masseuse educated me about the cervical pillows he sold. A more scientifically engineered version of a rolled up towel to provide the much-needed therapeutic effect for a wrecked neck. It was a life-changer. But once it got worn and soft, I needed my next fix and was on a mission to get a new and firm replacement.

By this time my masseuse had moved to another city. No biggie, I thought, as I went to a medical supply store seeking out the specialized neck roll. I had no clue at the time that cervical not only means neck, but also pertains to the female cervix (the neck of the uterus). And that’s where my troubles began…

I guess that’s why in retrospect, when I nonchalantly requested the product, the store clerk looked dumbfounded. She turned as red as her chipped candy apple nail polish. Looking panicked and slightly disgusted, she scuttled off to go get her manager, whispering something in his ear while staring me down. He didn’t look much older than his teenaged direct report. He sauntered over with a bit of a smirk, inquiring what kind of cervical item I had asked about.

I obliviously went on to describe it: “Well, let’s see. It’s long and hard,” as I held my hands about eight inches apart from each other, demonstrating. “And I simply can’t sleep without it! I even pop it in my suitcase when travelling because I need it so bad. Oh — and… uh the color doesn’t matter, since it gets hidden in my pillowcase. But that reminds me. My boyfriend said the one I have at his place is looking rather shabby, so I better get a couple!”

The manager turned fifty shades of red and awkwardly waddled away like Charlie Chaplin avoiding the paddy wagon. In turn, he escalated the situation to his boss, the wise-looking woman at the front of the store, who I assumed was the owner. He whispered something in her ear, while looking over at me with accusatory eyes.

The owner gave HIM a dirty look and came over to the counter where I was unknowingly putting on my one woman show. Without hesitation, she reached down and grabbed a package behind the counter and handed it over. What a relief! It was perfect and I told her I’d take another one as well. It looked something like this…

Not an endorsement of this particular brand — just an example of what I was trying to convey!

When I went to pay, the employees I freaked out who had run away from me, were now at the cash, and started blushing again. Cluelessly, I proudly announced, “This rock solid bad boy is exactly what I was looking for! I can’t wait to use it in bed tonight!” as I strutted out with a satisfied grin.

Thank you for reading my story!

Thank you to Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) 😬at https://medium.com/doctor-funny who did absolutely nothing to improve this story.

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