
‘Midsommar’ Is My Favorite 2019 Movie
If only I ran the Academy Awards…
I’m going to watch the 92nd Annual Academy Awards tonight even though the Academy of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences snubbed my favorite movie of the year. That movie is Midsommar, a romantic-comedy about human sacrifice.
Seriously, in what kind of world is natural born art genius Florence Pugh nominated for Little Women and not Midsommar? She should be nominated for both and she should win both. But I have no control over this.
Pop culture experts are predicting it will be a big night for movies like 1917 and Parasite, with the latter being more deserving than the former. Honestly, all the movies nominated this year are either excellent or perfectly fine. Us and Uncut Gems should have gotten nods, I suppose, but whatever. There were so many great movies last year.
So these are my 2020 Oscar picks if I had the reality-warping Infinity Gauntlet. *Snap* Here are the nominations and the winners I want to see in the world. They are 100% wrong but you know what? They're also 100% right, in their own way.
Best Picture
Midsommar
Best Actress
Florence Pugh, Midommar
Best Actor
The Dumb Boyfriend Who Gets Stuffed Into A Bear, Midsommar
Best Supporting Actor
The Funny Nerd from The Good Place, Midommar
Best Supporting Actress
The Older Lady Who Impatiently Pushes The Dumb Boyfriend’s Butt During The Creepy Sex Orgy, Midsommar
Best Director
Ari Aster, Midsommar and also Hereditary, another effed up movie about how older people eat the young
Best Original Music Score
Bobby Krlic, Midsommar
Best Original Music Music Score That Makes You Feel Like An Ancient Bottomless Evil Is Driving You Mad
Bobby Krlic, Midsommar
Best Picture Ever Set In Sweden
Midsommar
Best Disturbing Opening Scene That Makes You Feel Really Weird For The Next Two Hours And Change
Midsommar
Best Sacred Death Hammer
Midsommar
Best Gratuitous Head Trauma In A Feature Film
Midsommar
Best Communal Screaming By A Death Cult
Midsommar
Best Pagan Competitive Dance-Off Ritual
Midsommar
Best Ceremonial May Queen Flower Cocoon
Midsommar
Best Feature Film About What Should Happen To Men Who Dismiss And Ignore Their Girlfriends
Midsommar
Best Movie That Explains White People
Midsommar
Best Use Of Psychedelic Mushrooms In A Feature Film
Midsommar
Best Scene Featuring the ‘Bloody Eagle,’ A Viking-Era Torture Where A Person Is Flayed Alive, And Then His Eyes Are Gouged Out And Replaced With Flowers
Midsommar
Best Scene Featuring A Sacrificial Murder Church Set On Fire
Midsommar
Best Scene Featuring Two Dudes Who Suddenly Realize The Elders Have Lied To Them And Then Burn To Death
Best Happy Ending To A Feature Film, Maybe Ever?
Midsommar
Best Battle Angel
Alita, Alita: Battle Angel





