My Partner’s Dad Confused Homosexuality With Sexual Assault
An awkward moment on our first day led to many awkward encounters and an ultimate decision
I was walking into unfamiliar territory. My partner’s dad lived in Erie, Pennsylvania, and before July 2018 I had never met him. I went over to the city a couple of times the year prior when Mike went to live with him for a bit while I stayed in Chicago. But at that time, I only saw Mike and was too afraid to meet his dad.
I came up with this idea when we lived in Chicago where I was working a comfortable and stable job at Verizon Wireless. It wasn’t enough money, though, to keep us afloat in an expensive city. We had to make a move. Sacramento, California, where we had moved from, was way too far to go back with our tails tucked between our legs. We probably wouldn’t have been able to afford the journey anyway.
We decided on Erie, begrudgingly because Mike knew first-hand how his dad was. I had to be convinced, but I didn’t really know what I was walking into. I guess I had to see it for myself so finally Mike agreed and we made it down. Mike had described his dad as “kind of difficult,” “a little ignorant,” and “quick to anger.”
In my first encounter with him, we talked to him as his son had just told him that we intended to move in until we could save up some money. We knew that the situation wasn’t ideal. The house was a mess. His dad smelled, and as I said previously, he was a grumpy, ignorant, and angry person. The move made sense for us financially, though.
I tried my best to be polite and open-minded as I could barely stand the smell of what seemed like it could either be the house or the man in front of me.
His dad really did stink, damn, has this man showered?
I was trying so hard to hold back gags. I have a chronic condition that makes them come out uncontrollably, and I’ve managed it my entire life but I haven’t been able to fully control it.
“So, Adam, you have a nice place here,” I said while lying through my teeth but finding something nice to say to the man I’d just met.
“No, I don’t. This place is a dump. And I don’t swing that way. So don’t try that gay shit with me, son,” he retorted, bringing out a bit of that temper that Mike had told me about.
“Excuse me, what was that now? What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.
“You gays like to hit on straight men and get them to do stuff with you. You like my son. Who’s to say that you don’t want to try that shit on me one of these times?” He sounded mildly irritated at my request to clarify his position.
“First of all, I love your son. Secondly, that’s not a thing. I’m gay but I know who to and who to not hit on. If I make a mistake, I correct myself and apologize. I was just being polite. Your place really is kind of a dump. I just couldn’t think of anything else to say. You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Mm, hmm. Sure. You tell me that now,” he mumbled.
“Let’s just drop this. I’m not a sexual predator. I’m gay and in love with your son and that’s that. Can we get settled in the room so I don’t have to sit with this conversation anymore? You can continue whatever conversation you need to with your son. I’m tired and I just can’t do this right now.”
“Sure, you guys are in the room in the corner. Don’t do any gay stuff in there and don’t sneak out at night to try anything on me.” He was basically just making mocking jests at this point.
I thought to myself, “Sure thing, old man, I wouldn’t be able to bear the smell of getting too close to you anyway and I think I’m just going to keep to myself most of the time and do my own thing anyway, so you won’t have to worry about me.”
“Yeah, no problem,” I said. “I’ll see myself out of here.”
Mike sat and talked to his dad. They caught up and after a few hours of him distracting his dad, I didn’t have to hear anymore when I came back out. I clearly hovered over my partner to give him an embrace and kiss on the top of his head. I intentionally gave him a loving gesture in front of his dad to show that man that I loved his son and didn’t have any interest in doing anything sexually against his will.
The move seemed to be well-received. He said nothing to me after. And they just sat there talking as I sat there next to him quietly on the couch. We watched some TV and then went to bed.
The next morning, I came out to go to the bathroom by myself without Mike acting as a buffer.
“Hey, Gerald,” said his dad apologetically. “I want to apologize. I didn’t really know what to expect. Mike’s never brought home his boyfriends, or partners, to meet me before. I met one of his exes but it was for a couple of minutes and he didn’t really feel comfortable around me. I hope I didn’t scare you.”
“Oh, I’m fine, Adam, honestly, I didn’t know what to expect either and I was just tired from traveling. I’m sure that your intention wasn’t to suggest that all gay people are sexual predators or that I, in particular, was a sexual predator. You just didn’t know what to say at the moment meeting one of your son’s boyfriends for the first time. We’re all good.” I was hoping to meet him where he was trying to go.
“I’m glad. You seem good for Mike. I don’t want you guys to have any trouble because of me,” he said, sounding sincere.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. Good talk. I’m going to go back in and check on Mike,” I said, wanting to rush back, not wanting to ruin anything.
Little did I know that the next ten months would be a lot of this. A lot of accusations, misunderstandings, and starting and stopping agreements to understand the other side. I tried to quell these by either not being out there or being out there enough to talk to him and try to connect.
We failed in the end, because of an inconsequential event. Well, at least something inconsequential to a normal person set him off, and that led to him eventually kicking me out. It doesn’t matter what the actual event was, but I should’ve seen it coming after the awkwardness of the first day. Something stemming from either his anger or ignorance often led to crazy back-and-forths with either me or his son — the entire time we were there.
I’m almost certain now after having over four years to think back, that he’s still convinced homosexuals are sexual predators and that he only called a truce to try to appease his son. I don’t honestly feel like I ever belonged in his house. And no matter how nice I was to him (which was a lot), nothing changed his mind and those actions might’ve made him more suspicious of me considering what he originally thought.
We ended up moving out and finding our own place a couple of weeks after the big blow up, and we haven’t looked back. Mike hasn’t talked to his dad since then even though I haven’t given him that thought, and we don’t ever try to go back and readdress the awkwardness of that first day. Some people are just going to stay stuck in their ways, no matter how much you prove to them otherwise.
I obviously never went up to Adam and sexually assaulted him.
Hell, I couldn’t even get close enough to him most days because I couldn’t hold back my disgust. Mike did confirm to me at some point that he doesn’t think his dad has showered in 30 years, if not longer. I never heard the water running when we lived there. The point is, there are plenty of Adams in this world. Old, miserable, ignorant, and stuck in their own ways.
Although it is probably worth it to try to connect with them, sometimes it’s best to just know when to cut the ties with them completely. I’m sad that my partner doesn’t have a relationship with his father anymore but considering we both helped him in many ways and he probably ended up still thinking that I was a sexual predator in the end doesn’t make me regret our decision to cut out that toxicity.