My Partner Is A Cop
And I don’t know how to talk to him about what is going on
My polyamorous partner Nat is a law enforcement officer. He lives and works in a smaller town in a fairly conservative state. I want to talk to him about what’s been going on in the world since the needless death of George Floyd, but to be honest, I don’t quite know how to go about it. I’m not concerned about how Nat feels about police brutality, because I know he is a man of integrity who would never condone cruelty or needless violence. I feel confident that he is as disgusted as I am about the actions of Derek Chauvin and the other officers who put professionalism aside in favor of cowboy domination antics.
But the last time I tried to talk to Nat about an article I’d read discussing the importance of greater de-escalation training, I could feel his discomfort, and so I didn’t push it. The response he gave me seemed to have the subtext of, “You aren’t in this world, and so you don’t really understand.” There certainly is nothing more condescending that trying to explain someone else’s area of expertise to them, and I have no desire to be condescending, but I did wish that he had been receptive to a more open discussion, even though that’s really not the type of thing we’ve ever talked about in the past.
It’s not even so much that Nat is unwilling to talk to me about his world because he doesn’t think I can understand it the way that he does. It’s more that it’s difficult for him to talk about anything that is close to his heart, and he takes his profession very seriously. He’s no longer on the street, working now in administration, but he’s proud of what he does and how he serves his community. A few years ago he was chosen for a citizenship award by the local Rotary group, so it’s not that Nat doesn’t think that abusive policing should be taken to task; it’s just that it’s hard to be reminded of the dark aspects of something that you strongly believe in and see as a force for good.
The “thin blue line” is supposed to be a manifestation of Serve and Protect, holding back the chaos in society for the benefit of all, but it’s also easy for that sentiment to take on an Us vs. Them mentality and for that blue line to bleed over into a “blue code of silence”, where officers do not report on each other’s errors or misconduct. I do not believe that Nat would shield a fellow officer who had done something wrong, but I do think he has a hard time talking about the fact that sometimes officers do — at least to me. When he speaks of those that he supervises, he refers to them as “my people.” They are his team and in some ways his family — as are fellow officers everywhere in some respects. To speak ill of them to outsiders feels wrong to him, I think. It feels disloyal.
Unfortunately, I think this is a part of the issue that allows the culture of police work in this country to be problematic. Individual officers and precincts or departments may not tolerate abusive behavior, but until it is universally condemned and called out as unacceptable, it will continue. I don’t feel that I can or even should say that to Nat, however. On some level, he already knows it and is grappling with it in a way that I probably do have no real concept of. The world is speaking that loud and clear. It’s not necessary for me to do it also.
We’ve never really talked about politics very much, or things that are in the news. It’s one of the unspoken compacts of our relationship that we try to focus on things that we both enjoy and that bring stress relief and not stress induction to our lives. When we met, he was looking for a way to blow off some steam, and my other partner James and I were looking for some sexual exploration by way of an MFM threesome. None of us ever intended for it to be anything but casual and fun, but here we still are 5 years later, and despite no longer living in the same time zone, Nat and I are in a committed partnership, and James is still friendly with him. James and Nat were never lovers, but Nat is very much a part of our extended family and we both care about him a lot.
Even though I felt like I didn’t really know what to say to Nat, I didn’t want to let any more time go by without letting him know that I was thinking about him and that I support him. This is what I finally did say, “Sitting outside for my regular evening nature bath and thinking of you and all the craziness in the world right now. The pain in the collective is intense and hard to keep at arm's length. The pain among those who are honorable and expect more from their peers is also palpable. I don’t really know what to say except that I honor you and the life you have chosen at the same time that I want better for our nation and our world.”
His response was one of great appreciation for the support. Even in his town, the protests and just general tension have been front and center, compounding some other things in his life that are causing him stress right now.
“Thanks for thinking of me,” he said. “To be honest, it’s been a completely shit week!”
I think it’s been a bad week for most people, and my intention is certainly not to prioritize his discomfort over the pain and despair of anyone else who is rightly distraught right now. That isn’t the point — it’s not a contest. It’s never a contest. Life is always more nuanced than that, and I am fully capable of seeing and caring about more than one facet of an issue. My heart is with the protesters, but it’s also with the people in uniform who are having to reckon with some of this stuff from the inside. It needs to be reckoned with, even by those who would never do or condone such behavior, because, without their concerted effort, nothing can shift for the better.
This morning, I saw a clip of the Chief of Police for the city of Houston tearfully talking to the crowd about how this kind of brutality was unacceptable. I think it was breaking his heart in the same way that it is squeezing Nat’s — that anyone from an institution you love and believe in would do something so blatantly cruel and unnecessary. At the same time, there are some people in uniform who are responding with defensiveness and a continued attitude of violent domination. They are responding to their own discomfort the way that the dominance hierarchy has taught them to — by doing whatever they can to gain the one-up position in what they perceive to be a zero-sum game.
I firmly believe that things will not improve on any front, be it racism, sexism, homophobia, or general bullying of any kind until we make better progress on creating a different kind of social system — one that is not predicated on the violent domination of others in a social hierarchy. But I also believe that this has to largely come from the inside. The entire society, or at least the bulk of it, must embrace a new way to live and to relate to each other, and that starts with those who are closest to their particular aspect of this problem leading the way.
I support Nat and am not pressuring him with too many questions right now not just because I love him, but because I think we need to water the grass in the places where we want it to grow. I believe in him and I trust that he is doing what he can to find ways to be a part of the solution. In that, I want him to feel seen and supported. The rest of the world has every right to be less tender.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2020 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.
