HUMOR

My Panera Delivery Included a Brownie and This Rabid Honey Badger I Didn’t Order

Dear Panera Survey Invitation:

Thank you for the opportunity to express my feelings about a recent delivery order I placed. I hope this little box is sufficient to list the several errors which have left me less than satisfied and also placed me in mortal danger.

I chose a Pick Two© half turkey sandwich and a cup of Mexican corn chowder. The chowder was not great. A chef would say that the cream base broke during the cooking process. I, on the other hand, would say that it looked like a cup of cat vomit.

What’s more, the little tortilla strips that came with it were stale. It felt briefly like I was chewing leather. Blue, salty leather.

I also ordered two delicious bear claws, one for me and one for also me.

What I received was one bear claw, a brownie, and this rabid honey badger that I’ve managed to trap under my desk with an office chair.

I understand that sometimes substitutions are necessary. I guess you hope the customer isn’t allergic to chocolate and also doesn’t mind being mauled to death by one of nature’s most perfect killing machines.

What I really object to is that you won’t re-deliver my turkey sandwich and take the honey badger back to wherever it came from.

Instead, you offered to put my name “in a book”. Then, the next time I place an order — maybe six months from now when I scrape together another $30 for lunch — I’m supposed to remember that you fucked me out of my turkey sandwich and left me with a rabid honey badger to deal with in the middle of a work day.

Frankly, I seriously doubt that a “book” even exists. Maybe you keep it next to the sorting hat where a unicorn keeps tabs on incorrect deliveries with a pink glitter pen.

I can practically guarantee that when I roll up and tell the person at the counter to “check in the book” for my name, this is the look I will get:

So instead, I’m going to leave a one-star Google review, where I can wallow in my misery with all of the other people who have received brownies they didn’t particularly want although they ate them anyway and actually they’re pretty good but not as good as a bear claw, and then I’m going to wrestle this rabid honey badger out into the parking lot so it can terrorize the neighborhood and it’s ALL PANERA’S FAULT.

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