My Own Eulogy
Brandon Ellrich (Heads up — I’m not really dead)
Since I’m dead, the least you could do is scroll all the way to the bottom of this page to make it count as a “read” in Medium’s statistics. For more information, read “Views vs. Reads on Medium.” Thanks.
What can I say about Brandon Ellrich, besides the fact that he’s dead? He lived much of his life in a state of misery and in the state of Missouri. He grew up in a conservatively Christian family in a rural area, which did not bode well for his queerness.
His Early Years
He spent many years of his early life in the closet, trying on his mother’s shoes, which should have been quite a clear indicator of his sexual orientation. Many people, however, cannot see past the ends of their noses, upon which sets their rose-colored glasses.
Nevertheless, he was loved unconditionally, by his family and some friends — until he came out. Then, he was loved conditionally, by his family and some friends.
He grew up on a farm but for some strange and unexplainable reason, the homophobic, judgmental, racist attitudes of his father did not appeal to him and so he did not follow in these manure-lined footsteps. Surprising, yes, but there it is.
His Success
He was preceded in death by the love of his life, Joe, as well as all of his siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. But let’s not make this about them. Brandon lived to be 130 years old, making him the oldest living person on record, except for all those really old guys in the Bible. What did they eat, I wonder? I wish Moses would’ve included a book between Genesis and Exodus called Dietus. That would’ve been helpful.
He was unbelievably rich and famous, loved and adored by his many, many, MANY fans across the world, which is why we’re holding this funeral virtually. There is no venue on earth that can accommodate such a large and dedicated mass of people.
One would scarcely guess that the beginning of his illustrious career would have begun so humbly. He went from an unknown book and a few posts on a blog to the gargantuan throng of people that devotedly follow his every move.
He was an EGOT winner in addition to receiving every known award in writing, including the Nobel Prize. His philanthropy and charity work is unmatched. Nothing negative can be said of him, except by that one writer from The Washington Post who lost his job and everybody forgot about anyway.
His Memorial
We are all glad that Brandon was alive to see the statue erected in his honor for his 130th birthday, where now thousands of mourners have gathered to pay their respects.
Much of his fortune will be left to his gorgeous and talented 29-year-old husband Brock, who we all know as last year’s winner of best actor at the Oscars.
Some of his money will be distributed among a few of his great-great-great-great nieces and nephews, but only the ones he liked and didn’t ask him for anything. The rest of the fortune will be given to the cat rescues he established all over the United States, the “Friendly Feline Farms.”
There will be memorials established for some of his first followers: Lark Morrigan, Buddy Gott, Robin Wilding, Benighted, Normal Earthling, Bruce Coulter, Aditya, Brett Jenae Tomlin, Melissa Gray, Jill Eng, Rusty Shackleford, Jason Provencio, Jordan Lewis-Iles, Randy Pulley, Lynn L. Alexander, Lu Skerdoo, Jessica Lucia, and many more — all of whom are long dead and forgotten now.
It is a sad day for humanity, but we shall strive to move on with our lives despite the void left by this one-of-a-kind human being. Nay, this angel on Earth, this larger-than-life presence that will evermore be remembered and missed.
Goodbye, Brandon, and thank you for gracing us with your astoundingly generous gifts, talents, and contributions to the human race.
Psych! I didn’t really die. If you’d like to write your own eulogy, tag me in your post.
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