My Only New Year Resolution is More Self Acceptance

What if we’re all okay — scars and all?

It’s that time of year again — the magical new beginning where every other person is talking about their intentions for radical changes. I hate it.

Everyone striving together to change habits, give something up, start afresh, be better, be someone else. So much pressure. Then, a few weeks or months later — so much collective failure. So much guilt.

For some of us, it’s true, the New Year is a symbolic opportunity for a new beginning, and some of us are galvanised into successful life changes. If you’re one of those people, then that’s wonderful, but this story isn’t for you.

This one is for all of us who live with the weight of the past, those of us who are simply doing the best that we know how with what life has thrown at us. Those of us who feel like we have failed at the challenge of Life.

I was certainly one of those people, and there are times when I still find myself caught by my inner critic whispering,

‘Why can’t you do better?’

Only now, the voice of my good mother — my inner wise woman — speaks more clearly, and she’s the one I listen to.

This morning I was contemplating all of this and thinking about recovery. How we expect to recover from illness, external injuries and surgery. Our bodies are always working in the direction of healing. We expect to heal and are hopeful on our journey to future wellness.

Yet, many of us don’t heal. Some illnesses are terminal. Some injuries leave us disabled for life, or with symptoms which require ongoing medication. Somehow we accept all of this and are sympathetic to ourselves and others when we are physically unwell. So why is it that we have such a different attitude to the wounds that we carry on the inside — the ones that others can’t see?

Instead of wasting my energy on self beratement, and constant attempts to do better in some areas of my life, could I instead see my scars as doorways to a different kind of opportunity?

I’m curious about why we are so hard on ourselves when it comes to recovery from trauma, difficult life events and mental illness? We have unhelpful expectations of ourselves and others, that we should be ‘over something by now.’

‘That was years ago, surely you are recovered?’

Or worse still, the silence from the people around us who prefer not to acknowledge our history, or the injuries we have suffered. It makes for uncomfortable conversations, and it’s so much easier to chat about how we are making successes of our lives in the here and now.

This is one of the reasons that I love being a therapist. I welcome your pain, past and present, with kindness and curiosity — it’s okay to be with what you feel. What happened to you matters and there is no shame here.

Without going into details in this story — I am revealing more in other stories I have written and other stories that will come — here are some of the things that I’ve been through:

Rape, unwanted pregnancy, giving a baby up for adoption, raising another five children within all of the illusions of a fundamentalist church, being abandoned by that church, losing my husband, my home, my country and subsequently three of my children to abduction abroad, three suicide attempts, mental illness, M.E, breast cancer, and more — so much more.

So when I catch myself wishing that I could do better in many areas of my life, I ask myself this:

‘Why do you believe that there should be no remaining scars from the inner wounds of your past?’

My left breast is changed and scarred from cancer surgery, yet when I look at myself in the mirror, I feel no shame that it will never look the same as before. I look at my breast with acceptance and gratitude that the cancer is gone. Of course there are scars, and I observe them with pride because they bear witness to what I have come through.

Can I also hold my emotional scars with the same contemplative compassion? It’s true that that over time they have faded, but even in their faded appearance I know that they are here to stay.

Instead of wasting my energy on self beratement, and constant attempts to do better in some areas of my life, could I instead see my scars as doorways to a different kind of opportunity?

When our hearts have been broken apart by life, we eventually have the choice to use our experiences for empathic connection with others who are hurting, but could they also be a pathway into a form of devotion to ourselves?

I’m a natural empath, but offering that same understanding and compassion to myself has been a lifelong challenge. I’m getting better at this as I make conscious choices of patience, kindness, and celebration of the fact that I’m still here — even thriving. That in itself is a miracle and I deserve all the gentleness that I didn’t receive in my youth.

So today, I’m not making any resolutions to change. Instead, I’m giving thanks for who I am and the blessings of being able to write here on Medium, and best of all, connect with others in a world that needs a whole lot more love.

Finally, spreading the Medium love, may I also recommend the superb writing of J Oliver Dempsey