COPING

My Old Ladies Are Getting Younger, but I’m Not — and that’s OK!

What I’ve learned from my “enlightened” but not-much-older new recruits — and how they can help YOU age better, too!

I am in Paris, waiting until it’s late enough in New York to wish Betty a happy 91st birthday. My original old ladies — women like Marge, Zelda, and Sylvia were old enough to be my mother. My first, Henrietta, was 75 to my 43. So it’s a bit of a shock when I realize, Betty is only twelve years ahead of me.

I’ve been collecting old ladies long enough for me to become one myself!

And over the last year, I reluctantly started accepting applications from women in their late eighties. I’m coming up fast behind them — 79 in a few weeks — but they’re still ahead of me on the journey.

This story is about why I finally relented — and, more importantly, what I’ve learned about the edges of aging by allowing (relatively) younger women to join the ranks of my old ladies.

Why I Once Rejected the Too-Young

From the moment I told Rhoda about my old ladies, she lobbied to become one.

I understand why. Who wouldn’t want to be among such great “girls,” pushing 90 and beyond, still engaged with people and involved in life?

Rhoda certainly qualifies in spirit and practice. A former gynecologist — recently chosen chair of her 65th med school reunion — she’s articulate and outspoken when a situation calls for it. She swims, plays bridge and canasta, and has a wide and rich social circle.

We met at my south Florida condo, both of us “snowbirds.” Last year, when she heard I was planning a short winter visit to “Wincing Towers,” my not-so-pet name for our building, Rhoda sent me this text:

Thought we’d get together since at 89 I must be one of your “old ladies.”

Rhoda has a point. Yet, for at least a decade, I’ve told her, “You’re too young.”

I repeatedly rejected my sister-in-law Judy for the same reason. Judy started piano again, at 68. She has a busy social calender, between Mah Jong, Pilates and managing her and my brother’s household. She’s a force to be reckoned with, someone I respect for how she “does” life.

But Judy is only six years older. How could she be one of my old ladies?

Reconsidering the Age Limit

Rules of thumb are made to be adjusted. I’m often the oldest and, sometimes, the only grandma in the room. Add another 20 to 25 years, and…well, you do the math.

As the years chug along without my permission — and faster than I prefer — it’s harder to find women 20 years older. I have to make do with an increasingly smaller age gap!

Besides, Rhoda and Judy are great women. They’re here now, available to me. Why not shore up the ranks of my old ladies with women in their eighties?

I know Zelda would approve. She, who almost made it to 105, once said to me:

“I pick up interesting-looking people, honey, because at my age, I need to replenish.”

I’ve lost a few precious old ladies along the way. Granted, one is never a substitute for another. But why not add Rhoda and Judy to the pack?

And there are others…

Patricia Ross, whom I met on Medium through our writing, inspired me to rethink the age limit in the first place. Also “only” six years older, Patricia has lived a long, interesting, and challenging life. We’ve chatted cross-country on Zoom. I love her mind, her ideas. She’s someone I can learn from.

In my building in New York, I’ve come to know Alicia, a savvy, successful real-estate agent who also sings cabaret, and Audrey, a retired lawyer about which there is nothing in the least bit “retiring.” She recently told me about her new boyfriend and confided that she was having “the best sex of her life.”

All three women are in their 80s and still in the game, so why not also include them in my growing battallion of “good” older women?

More inspiration…

As I consider widening my old-lady lens, Bobby Hutchinson, a fellow writer — and until now a complete stranger — happens to leave this message in response to a story describing how I’d like to die:

Wow, me too, Melinda! I’m 82, and my desire is happy, healthy, dead. Sounds like your old ladies managed that. I figure death is a big adventure and it’s something we should think about with anticipation.

Another eightysomething. Another kindred spirit. Another woman living until she dies. She feels instantly familiar and likeable. Though younger than my typical old ladies — barely four years older — adding her inspires a name for my new recruits:

My old-ladies-in-training.

We’re all “in training” for a sport we never imagined playing.

Age isn’t “just a number,” as the anti-aging industry would have us believe. Age is a reality — a boot-camp that starts in youth — arguably. at birth — and becomes more challenging over time. Age unfolds differently for each person.

How will you age? Or me, for that matter? It depends the particular cocktail we’ve been served by life, a mix of genes, experience, and habits — with a dash of luck.

We are conditioned to hate the idea of becoming “old” both because it’s not young — the Gold Standard in an ageist culture — and it means we’re closer to The End, a prospect we’d rather not ponder.

But we must; at some point, it’s all we got, sistah! As the old joke goes, old age is better than the alternative.

And from one who’s cultivated a phalanx of good older women since 1986, take it from me: Aging is better when you have olders ahead of you — faring reasonably well in the journey, giving you hope!

It isn’t easy to be old or in training for it. In some circles, the word itself is spoken in hushed tones, like cancer was in less-enlightened eras. Are we really afraid that saying old aloud might bring it on?

If we buy into ageist stereotypes, old is a smorgasbord of undesirable offerings and outcomes. No wonder a woman (my age) once commented that it must be “boring,” if not “depressing” to hang out with old ladies.

As if only age determines whether a person is good company — not her personality, her presence, her sense of humor, or her coping skills. Being old wipes everything away.

Except that it doesn’t have to. In a recent Facebook post, Sue Hitzman, a fitness professional in New York, wisely suggests that we need to rethink our attitudes:

When I was 11 my Great grandmother died and my idea of getting older changed. I didn’t want to celebrate a birthday. “Why would we want to celebrate getting older? A birthday just reminds us we are aging and one year closer to the end?” I said to my mom.

“Maybe we need to change the narrative, Sue. We celebrate a new year to come, where anything is possible and everything is new..” my mother replied.

Anything is possible. If you’ve made even to 80, you have already passed “go” several times as you made your way around the game board. You’ve encountered the unexpected. You also know that fretting about being “old” is nonsense. It is what is.

If you’ve made make it even to the age of 80, you know that it’s not a matter of aging “successfully” or “well,” as if we’re calling plays in a game or watching a rocket launch. There are no “anti-aging” miracles, only false advertising and time itself.

Healthy aging — better yet, think of it as “enlightened” aging — is about embracing what Bobby Hutchinson calls the “big adventure.” The ride is different for each of us, the destination unknowable, some of the possibilities thrilling, others daunting.

Until we reach a higher consciousness that allows us to see into the future, aging is a crap shoot. We must accept what is….as it happens.

The Right Stuff

My old ladies — the originals and the ones I’ve just let in — are all different from each other and unique. Still, they have similar qualities, too, which enable them navigate the unknown. We all would do well to emulate them:

• They experience loss and limitations, and instead of complaining, they continue to engage fully in life as best they can.
• They take responsibility for themselves, cherish their independence, and ask for help when they need it.
• They create projects that allow them to feel useful and productive.
• They connect with and care about others. For as long as they’re able, they venture out into in the world.
• They adjust. They might plan outings less frequently or relegate chores to others. But they still do for themselves.
• They keep learning and stay open to new ideas even when it feels like a struggle.
• They get that there are no guarantees. You can eat right and have a heart attack. We get what we get — all you can do is keep going.

Perhaps most important, my old ladies, even the “young” ones, know how lucky they are.

I once asked Marge if she felt “guilty” for all her blessings — a comfortable home in a building she loved, good people around her, resources.

“No, she answered quickly, “I just feel grateful.”

How to Recruit Your Own Old Lady (or Man)

Admittedly, my old ladies are a cherry-picked lot, chosen by me. We bonded over writing, clothes, tennis, cooking, Broadway, and similar values. Most of them are of the pull-yourself-up bootstrap generation — the GI’s.

Unless you’re already old like me 😊, your much-older friends and acquaintances will be of a different era — for example, if you’re a Millennial, you might recruit a Boomer.

All that matters is that the person is farther along than you on the path, casting a beacon to illuminate territory that you, too, will eventually traverse.

Maybe you already have older people whom you respect and admire in your social circle. If so, reach out to them. Have phone or video chats; make lunch dates.

If you haven’t yet cultivated relationships with much-older acquaintances, the “good” ones are easy to recognize. They keep on keeping on, no matter their birth year or what life throws at them. They have a sense of humor. Strike up conversations. Ask about their life. Listen.

And before you say, “Oh, but that’s easy for you. You are an extrovert who isn’t shy about picking up strangers,” let me stop you.

I am a notoriously friendly person with a huge appetite for relationships. However, one doesn’t need a large contingent of old ladies (or old men) — just one. Even better, a few. You can do it. And you won’t be sorry.

If you need more help finding an old lady, check out…

Please, if you learn nothing else from this story, heed its key takeaway:

In your daily comings and goings, be the lookout for at least one “good” old person who catches your eye and can help light the way. It will be a win-win for both of you.

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